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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Buying a house, blending family and finances

59 replies

Undecided16 · 16/04/2024 23:05

I am in the process of buying a house with my partner of 2 years and we have 2 children each from previous relationships who live with us individually full time.
We have not spoke about finances until the last few days and it has gone sour!
when we worked out the finances, she suggested 65% of our wages each month however this means that I pay almost £2925 per month and she pays £1300. I didn’t think that was fair although she does receive child benefit and tax credits which she will lose if we move in and I am happy to pay more however I think £1700 a month more is excessive if we are going in together. She receives DLA for both her kids which is £1300 and child maintenance totalling £530 on top of her wages. I receive £400 a month DLA for my son and have a rental income from a property which give me £800 a month on top of my wages.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that paying £1700 more a month on a house that we both own 50/50 although we both matched the deposit for the mortgage.
please be honest

OP posts:
Shoutinglagerlagerlager · 17/04/2024 02:47

Yes you are being unreasonable and what does the children’s DLA have to do with any of this?

Why are you buying a house with someone who is neither a spouse nor a partner in any real sense of the word? Sounds like separate households with separate finances would be best.

Newestname002 · 17/04/2024 04:11

OP really thinks we're stupid.. 🌹

Wallywobbles · 17/04/2024 04:30

My income is at least double that of my partner's.

He pays for all things car related but I bought our current second hand cars one of which is electric. We each have our own mortgage on the house which I admit is weird.

I pay for all bills and holidays. Because he can't afford to and I can. It still feels unfair to both of us in some way. His savings have been chipped away by 20k over this time. When my money runs out he picks up the shortfall.

He does so much work at home
And helps with the sheep and horses which are mine.

We both have 2 kids but mine have all but left home. They'll both be gone by July this year. We've been blended for 8 years. And I've always paid pretty much everything because I want us all to have fun.

Our mortgages will be gone in a couple of years. Thank god because we will have 3 kids at uni in September this year.

He is the only partner I've had where I've wanted to share everything.

grinandslothit · 17/04/2024 04:54

Don't buy a house together.

scoobysnaxx · 17/04/2024 05:09

Could someone link the other thread please, I'm interested to read it as this post is ridiculous enough!

PineappleTime · 17/04/2024 05:16

I don't know about the finances but blending families for the first time by BUYING a house together is insane.

MrsKwazi · 17/04/2024 06:00

People actually take a lot of time posting. Not stupid either. Creating this type of tread really really pisses me off.

What was wrong with the advice on the other one? Do you need convincing? Validating?

2 years is waaaaay to early to buy a house together. Some people wait longer than that to introduce their kids to a new partner!

Don’t blend your families, it has disaster written all over it.

Why are you so desperate to do this anyway? What’s pushing you?

SkyBloo · 17/04/2024 06:07

Reality is, in my experience not many people actually want to pool finances with a lower earning partner (effectively subsidising that person to a higher standard of living) unless its the parent of their children (or anticipated parent of their children). It generally leads to resentment.

The exception is where the higher earning gets other forms of "value" from the partnership (so a higher earning partner might do this where low earner is a younger, more attractive person, or where they are not working out of the home & are willing to do the bulk of childcare and domestic labour.

jeaux90 · 17/04/2024 06:52

OP blending families is a really big decision. Been with my partner 7 years and we have not blended yet as the timing hasn't been right for our kids.

I'm glad you are pulling back in doing this now, it's the right answer to wait, besides, he sounds like a bit of a bully the financial situation is really unfair.

Financial independence is so so important as a woman, don't give your house or finances up lightly.

Starseeking · 17/04/2024 07:36

Ignoring the figures 65% of each of your base wages is fair. It's not your DP's fault that they earn less.

It sounds like you're expecting your DP to live in poverty while you live in luxury, which cannot be right for you sharing a life with someone you claim to love.

Orophile · 17/04/2024 07:46

You forgot to mention you want her disabled 16 year old daughter to pay rent from her PIP!

I am presuming this is OP from the reverse previous thread.

If you go ahead with this move you are both going to resent each other whatever you decide.

LemonySnickets · 17/04/2024 08:25

Domino20 · 17/04/2024 00:37

Everyone told her to bin you off mate.

I hope she did/does!! Earns waaaaay more than her plus rental income plus 100k bonus.....and he's going after her kids PIP money! 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩

scoobysnaxx · 17/04/2024 08:43

Thank you @TeaKitten

Lesterall · 17/04/2024 08:47

WTAF is the point of this? Thread about a thread. If you are the partner you're a tosser and your partner should dump you. Definitely not buy a house with you. But I guess you're actually the Op of the other thread trying to get different answers.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 17/04/2024 08:48

I’ve also read the other thread.

On the off chance you are the op’s dp I just want to tell you that trying to take money from a disabled child is utterly scummy behaviour. Leave this woman and her dc alone and go and find someone else to fleece.

Voiceofreason4u · 17/04/2024 10:53

Having read through the pages and pages of responses on the other post, there are a few things that would help the reviewers and responders.

Are you saying after being in a relationship with someone for 2 years, viewing and putting and offering on an house. Getting mortgage agreements etc - you have not discussed repayments once? How have you both got into a position where you have a house being purchased and not discussed this?

What are your motivators for moving in together ?

Why are you feeling it’s unreasonable for her to pay less when she earns so much less?
surely if it’s a relationship and partnership it should be treated as one and not treated like a business deal.

the figures flying around are confusing. 30k, 100k - bonuses, stocks, dla etc.
why is a % of annual work income not satisfactory ? with a package of over 200k surely it’s a comfortable lifestyle?

Do you plan to marry your partner? Have children? Then what? Will you view things differently?

The other poster mentioned you currently both have your own homes. How different will monthly outgoings be on a joint home for you?

your partner is set to loose CB and Tax Credits as you are a high earner, already reducing her income. Why would you think it fair for her to give up the children’s disability benefits ? Are you giving up your child’s benefits ? Why is it fair for her to be worse off and you have large bonuses and shares/stocks sitting there ?

in short - what are you losing financially by making this move? Or is it more if a principle thing where you feel it should be 50/50.

Either way, lots of discussions should be had before moving forward.

beanii · 19/04/2024 11:37

Both work out your total monthly income and go from there.....

Lotus3 · 19/04/2024 11:52

Hahahaha, not mentioning your 200k+ income. Yes, you are a 🔔🔚.

If you're the OP, quit trolling, we're not dumb.

If you're the partner trying to sort your domestic dispute, you are 1000% in the wrong. Pay a fair share (70:30) and leave the kids out of it or just cancel buying a house.

MILLYmo0se · 19/04/2024 12:12

Who on earth thinks it is responsible parenting to be buying a home with a partner of only 2 years when there are children involved?! If you were both single and taking this step after 2 years I'd still think ye were a bit mad and giving yourselves a huge financial handcuff to each other too soon, but to be trying to blend your children into a family so soon is selfish imo.
Re the finances, the partner earning less is daft to contemplate moving in, the high earner sounds like an ass

AnotherEmma · 19/04/2024 12:14

If this is a genuine post... YABVU. I told your partner she'd be mad to buy a house with you.

Notamum12345577 · 19/04/2024 12:22

Undecided16 · 16/04/2024 23:05

I am in the process of buying a house with my partner of 2 years and we have 2 children each from previous relationships who live with us individually full time.
We have not spoke about finances until the last few days and it has gone sour!
when we worked out the finances, she suggested 65% of our wages each month however this means that I pay almost £2925 per month and she pays £1300. I didn’t think that was fair although she does receive child benefit and tax credits which she will lose if we move in and I am happy to pay more however I think £1700 a month more is excessive if we are going in together. She receives DLA for both her kids which is £1300 and child maintenance totalling £530 on top of her wages. I receive £400 a month DLA for my son and have a rental income from a property which give me £800 a month on top of my wages.
Am I being unreasonable thinking that paying £1700 more a month on a house that we both own 50/50 although we both matched the deposit for the mortgage.
please be honest

Surely an equal amount of your income is fair?

zeibesaffron · 19/04/2024 13:20

Testina · 16/04/2024 23:07

🥱 don’t ask people to be honest if you don’t want to share your £207K earnings (excluding rental income last year) in your list of details.

This ⬆️ and the fact you want to take DLA monies from a teenager, you have more than enough to live off and would happily see her with very little!!

I hope what she said on her other post is true and that she has stopped this process!

YourRedPombear · 20/04/2024 06:08

Yes YABVU you forgot to mention your 100k bonus and that you want your partners 16yr old to pay rent out of her PIP when she is STILL in FT education!! Whilst you are saving your sons DLA payments!! What the fuck are you on seriously!! Yes u pay more as you earn considerably more, if you want your partner to pay 50/50 then you’re going to have to buy a house you can both afford. She needs to sack you off tbh with that mindset

Undecided16 · 20/04/2024 11:18

thanks for your comments, we have resolved it now and she has agreed to give me the PIP to cover the difference.

OP posts:
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