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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you'd reply to this text

42 replies

Biggybigbiggles · 16/04/2024 21:16

Sister and I are both early 30s. She has one DS, I have no children but multiple nephews on DP side and love children.

We have always been close friends with a few blips along the way.

I've felt since she's had a baby I can't win. I'm either in the way and 'Don't understand' or 'not showing enough interest' in her DS when I do visit (I've flown to see her 4 times in 12 months at her request, she's been here once).

I've just gotten to breaking point after flying abroad to see her and her DS for 4 days and thought we all had a lovely time reparing some hard feelings both ways.

I've received a wall of text about how disappointed she is that I didn't open nephew's presents that I brought out with me next to him, she's annoyed I didn't play with nephew much and she doesn't think she has the energy to make it work between us anymore.

The days typically involved me splitting time between my parents, my sister and nephew, and my oldest friend who flew in to see nephew at sister's request also. I'd say I spent 3 hours every day playing /holding/ feeding nephew and we went out for dinner one of the nights also.

I took lots of pics out there and sent them to sis today saying how gorgeous nephew is and that I loved her.

I'm completely hurt (bawling) and just feel like this is the straw that will make me go NC for a long while.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Biggybigbiggles · 16/04/2024 21:17

ETA, nephew is 1.

OP posts:
LemonySnickets · 16/04/2024 21:18

How would I reply? I probably wouldn't bother tbh! 🤷‍♀️

Leave her to calm down. She'll get in touch when she wants to.

Dacadactyl · 16/04/2024 21:20

Depends on your past relationship tbh.

If my sister sent me that I'd call her and say "what are you playing at then?"

But if you don't have that sort of relationship, I'd not respond and wait for her to get in touch, like the PP said.

Harara · 16/04/2024 21:21

This is strange behaviour given that you say you were close friends before she had the baby. Has she always been tricky, or does this feel like a personality change on her part? Could she be suffering PND or is maybe find parenting/sleep deprivation etc difficult and it’s making her difficult?

quizzys · 16/04/2024 21:23

PFB syndrome I think.

Sister seems to have form for being self centred and she may be experiencing some post natal depression or similar.

Leave her be, but I think I'd send a text in a couple of days along the lines of "

"I really enjoyed being with you all, sorry to hear that you don't feel the same about the visit. Anyway, you know I care a lot for you, nephew and xxx whoever, so I'm here at the end of the phone or text if you want or need to talk".

Then leave it for a while. Seems you can't do anything right anyway for now, so give it time to cool down. Sorry this is happening, but you need to keep your self respect and not give in to this type of behaviour/disrespect towards you.

CustardySergeant · 16/04/2024 21:23

I would point out all the things that were in 2 paragraphs in your post, i.e.

"The days typically involved me splitting time between my parents, my sister and nephew, and my oldest friend who flew in to see nephew at sister's request also. I'd say I spent 3 hours every day playing /holding/ feeding nephew and we went out for dinner one of the nights also.

I took lots of pics out there and sent them to sis today saying how gorgeous nephew is and that I loved her."

I can understand why you feel heartbroken at the text she has sent you. Is that something you can say to her or not?

Jellyx · 16/04/2024 21:25

It sounds like she's having a hard time and taking it all out on you. I would genuinely ask her how she's doing??

Now if she continues to act like this then I'd let her know you care about her, want her to be well, you're there for her but you're not going to listen to silly criticisms.

Merryoldgoat · 16/04/2024 21:25

She sounds like she thinks she’s a superstar - I have family members like this and I don’t talk to them anymore as it’s exhausting.

To be honest I’d reply not very nicely and tell her she’s self absorbed and I’m bored by her attention seeking bollocks but I’m a cunt.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2024 21:25

Op, did you post before about your sister, last week-ish maybe, about how awful she has been?

Maybeicanhelpyou · 16/04/2024 21:26

“Recollections may differ!”

GrumpyOldCrone · 16/04/2024 21:27

I wouldn’t reply. I’d wait until I was planning to contact her again anyway (e.g. someone’s birthday) and then proceed as if she’d never sent the text.

When I was younger I wanted to fix things like this. Now that I’m old and cynical I find behaviour like your sister’s childish and manipulative, so I ignore it. I wouldn’t hold it against her, but I certainly wouldn’t reply.

Feelingreen · 16/04/2024 21:28

Depends on your relationship before but if this were my sister I’d be asking her if she’s okay because it seems like she’s not and taking it out on you…

MonsieurSpade · 16/04/2024 21:29

Other people’s dc are mostly interesting only to the parents and grandparents.
Your dsis is ridiculous.

HaggisBurger · 16/04/2024 21:30

Youve posted about her before. At length.

Original poster
Biggybigbiggles · 16/04/2024 21:30

We were close but it's always had a finicky edge. There's a lot of treading on eggshells and delicate wording (from all of the family).

She's done some really damaging things before (i.e. I once got invited to a mutual friend's wedding as bridesmaid and she went ballistic at the both of us and made up stuff I'd apparently said to friend to turn her against me).

And then there's a side to her that is my biggest supporter and my rock. I feel guilt ridden a lot of the time.

We both take ADs and have done for years however she's openly said multiple times having a baby has given her a purpose and joy in life like she's never experienced.

She has a great DP and gets daily babysitting FOC from my parents. Holds down a really good job too.

OP posts:
TheShellBeach · 16/04/2024 21:32

I remember your other thread about this.

I think your sister has PFB syndrome.

Nothing she's done has been reasonable.

I think the advice on the other thread was to go LC.

Original poster
Biggybigbiggles · 16/04/2024 21:33

Yep, this is a follow up to that thread.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2024 21:34

I think the advice on the other thread was to go LC.

It was and I really wish you'd listen. At this point, you are allowing her to treat you this way. She's a bully and she's abusing you. Ignore the text entirely and block her. You need to take a massive step back to show her this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/04/2024 21:34

She sounds like very hard work. And a real friend would not tell lies about you to deliberately cause trouble for you, that's just plain nasty. I think you'd be wise to put a bit of distance between you. Don't be afraid to push back. Your feelings matter, you don't have to always capitulate to her whims. It sounds like your family are aware what she's like too. It's hard when it's family, but you deserve to be treated better.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/04/2024 21:34

Biggybigbiggles · 16/04/2024 21:33

Yep, this is a follow up to that thread.

Then you know what you need to do.

Greywitch2 · 16/04/2024 21:35

Can you forward her text to your Mum with the comment, 'This is so hurtful, I don't have the energy to respond to her any more. I'll be going very low contact. Perhaps you need to check on her, because this isn't normal behaviour'.

Sandwichblock · 16/04/2024 21:35

I wouldn't try to reply to that. Nothing contentious has ever been made better by text.

Maybe just, "I enjoyed seeing you and love you both/all, hope you're OK."

Then, if it were my sister, I'd call in a few days to try and find out what's wrong, but if my sister sent that I'd be really worried about her.

Original poster
Biggybigbiggles · 16/04/2024 21:36

I think I'm finally at the point where it just feels OK to step back. I just struggle with the guilt element and wanted to make sure I'm not being u reasonable to feel hurt and angry.

OP posts:
DinaofCloud9 · 16/04/2024 21:36

She sounds bloody awful.

PassingStranger · 16/04/2024 21:37

News. You don't need to be in contact just because you share parents.