To regret having children??

[LG123]

I know it's done to death but I'm exhausted.

I'm a lone parent, please don't ask about my children's fathers - not around and that's the end of it. Don't want to be berated for my poor choice in men. I was diagnosed with PND the other week so that will be making it worse but;

My 5yo is too much to the point I'm exhausted, my 6mo has his little challenges but is far easier than my eldest (for now). She doesn't SHUT UP and is constantly talking - excessively. No words for the amount of energy she has, she doesn't have an off button, when I send her to bed she doesn't sleep and will often refuse to go - good sleeper as a baby but since 9mo old she's been terrible. Friends and family have noted how bouncy she is and how much she talks, I'll ask friends to meet and if I have the kids they'll say I don't have energy for little lady today (just baby, no problem). She just exhausts me, it's like sensory overload by the time we're in from the school run that's it I'm ready for bed!

When I do get a break I get judged and berated by most people I know and I'm just burning the candle and both ends - no idea what I'll be like post maternity leave!

Sorry if I'm rambling but I'm half asleep all the time, she's just so intense and I don't know what to do. I honestly never thought I'd say I wish I never had children

@GoawaySunrise oh piss off perfect mummy.

Once upon a time, I enjoyed being a mum. Right now I'm so close to the bloody edge I came to vent and ask advice.

As your name states - GOAWAY.

If you actually gave a shit about her kids (which you do not) then you would try and help her instead of berating her for having a perinatal mental illness and therefore making her mental illness worse. Mums with PND often feel like they are terrible mothers, having people tell them they are will only make them even more unwell which doesn't help anybody. PND is treatable. The OP needs support to change her situation.

@pinkunicorns54 yeah I'm on medication, was prescribed straight away just hasn't kicked in much yet. I thought all the negativity would just go away but it didn't, I got so close to the edge I had to get help x

Who looks after your children when you’re out getting pissed on a Saturday night?

Oh go on now. She's quite fine to show at the pub, just not to work around her responsibility.

@Universalsnail it can be the cinema, out for dinner, watch a show etc.. drinking is involved most weeks yes but I don't drink to the point where I feel like shit the next day because it just makes me feel worse and like you say, it sets me up for an evening worse week. I just wind down in that time and I enjoy it.

As for childcare, I'm waiting on a nursery place and can afford one or two a days a week until I go back to work and he goes full time but during the day I don't find it as tough - because he's much easier and he isn't pecking my head all the time. She has been like it though and hasn't got worse since the baby so I didn't think it's based on pining for my attention or not being stimulated/burned enough energy during the day - she's hyper regardless of what we do!

@GoawaySunrise excuse me? Of course I am, it's the only time there is any reprieve! I get on with my responsibility regardless of how I'm feeling inside. My children aren't neglected if that's what your insinuating

You're just here to be an arsehole and enjoy making people feel worse. I hope your children don't end up like you🖕🏻

@Feelingreen you think I leave them on their own? 🙄

They are with grandparents. And I don't just go out and get pissed either. It's a some time to myself while they're in bed and the time that the childcare is available.

I'm truly not. Maybe you should look back about what you've said. I know it's hard, I do. You sound very young so it's probably doubly hard

@GoawaySunrise I'm not a young mum. I'm in my thirties. I know what I said and it was more of a vent at other people expecting me to be at home all the time with no break just because I'm a single parent. I love my children but I'm in the thick of pnd and I've never felt so low. It's hard because I'm on own, no one to share the burden with and at the moment I just wish I hadn't done it to myself.

I'm sorry then. I was uppity when I shouldn't of been. I just think if you talk about them like that, then you'll always think that way. Trust me, I know you need the break

At the end of the day, you did do it to yourself and now is the time to dig your heels in and make it work, not feel sorry for yourself.

Use your Saturday nights and nursery time and grandparent time to get some sleep and focus on self care….now isn’t the time to start going out regularly on a Saturday and resuming a social life, you have a six month old baby. Now and again fine, but going out for drinks every Saturday with a baby that age? I don’t know anyone that does that.

If you have a five year old and a six month old baby by two different dads your five year old has been through a lot. Give her some stability and quality time and see if her behaviour and sleep improves.

Id be looking to make some more mum friends, socialising with your baby and try to get some acceptance from your new life and try to make the best of it and enjoy it. There’s no point fighting against it.

@Feelingreen there is no enjoying it when you have pnd, it's just about getting through it ATM for me.

She's always had my attention and quality time, we have that now and no it's made no difference. She's a happy affectionate child who is well behaved, she's just over hyper and excessive with talking to the point of exhaustion. Probably gets it from me, mum says the same about me. I have an attention deficit disorder which wasn't diagnosed until adulthood.

I don't just go out for drinks, as I've said it goes from watching a show, to the cinema, out for food, the gym or whatever. Yes I have a drink most weeks but no more than a couple of glasses of wine. Just like people do at home - I don't drink at all home.

Just keep going with it. If going out works for you then go for it. It will get better, and easier it just takes time!

But pnd aside, I’d think about focussing on providing a stable environment for your kids where you’re always , not coming home drunk and not jumping into new relationships. For a lot of women, they end up doing the bulk of childcare whether they’re in a partnership or not.

I could have gone out every Saturday but chose not to because my six month old didn’t sleep through every night and I wanted to be on call for that. But I took the chance to catch up on slee when I could if grandparents were around.

Dont let your five year old see any more broken relationships or half siblings now.

@Feelingreen you're assuming that I come home drunk. I don't. You're assuming that my daughter sees 'new relationships', she doesn't. She's never met either of these men, not her own father (his choice) and not the baby's. My babies father was the first time I'd had sex with since conceived my eldest.

Baby sleeps through, so for that I'm grateful. If he woke through the night then I probably wouldn't go out each week.

She's doesn't see the broken relationships and she doesn't understand that baby is a 'half brother', to her he is just her baby brother.

I really hope it kicks in soon for you!

You don’t need to explain yourself, you need support not judgement and not people making assumptions about your life.

My mother had PND after having me and I was apparently very similar to how your daughter sounds.
I didn’t sleep, talked constantly and was an absolute bundle of energy, I imagine it was hard to love me when I was so exhausting!
it’s no surprise that I was diagnosed with ADHD - but not till I was an adult.

My mum took meds for PND kept going and I didn’t learn about how much she was struggling till I was an adult. I’ve no resentment and just complete respect that she managed to cope and kept parenting when she felt so low.

My mum told me things improved as I got older and went to school full time, she also made sure I had lots of time with friends so I could witter at them and not her. I wasn’t the best at keeping friends because I was apparently so exhausting and hyper but eventually I had a long lasting friendship with a neighbours child which helped because when I was over there my mum had a break and when she was at our house I was distracted. Are there any friends like that who can keep your daughter company?

Are you friends with other mothers? You say people struggle being around your daughter as she’s so full of energy but are there any activities you can get her to join where you can also build friendships?

I don’t think you should feel bad at all for having a night out every week. If your daughter is looked after and it gives you a break and makes you feel like more than just a mother it’s fine. Most of the people who criticise have never been a single parent and have no idea how exhausting it is and relentless, if your daughter is neurodivergent on top of that then I think you’ve done amazingly well to get so far.

You’ve come on here for support and to vent and I think it’s really shitty that people have given such judgemental responses when you’ve been brave enough to disclose how you feel and admit you are struggling. It’s obvious you are trying and don’t want to feel like you do but some things are out of our control.

Please ignore any negative responses and take what you can from the positive. People don’t understand that giving you judgement has the capacity to make you stop disclosing your feelings and bottle them up, that’s more dangerous then venting on an anonymous site.

If your mother is happy looking after your daughter then I imagine you have a good relationship? It sounds like you haven’t been honest about how you are feeling though if you are lying about appointment times for a break rather then explaining you need more help.
If you have a good relationship then open up if you can, I think if she knew exactly how low you felt then she might offer more help on more honest terms, she has also been through this with you and might have some really helpful advice!

I really hope things improve for you and you feel better soon. Keep pushing for support anywhere you can find it and I’m sure you’ll look back and be proud you survived like my mum did.

Completely agree with this (which is a lot more eloquent than I could have managed). Ultimately parenting is hard work, especially on your own, and we have to survive it. Do what you need to be the best parent you can. The negative comments you get are likely from people who haven’t ever been the sole or primary carer for young children, especially one with suspected ADHD, or whose children are older now and they’ve forgotten what a slog it can be.

On the other hand I have a friend whose little girl was very similar up to a certain age and then just calmed down and is pretty easy to deal with now. We were actually just saying today you wouldn’t think it was the same child. They do change a lot and grow out of things as they get older, so there’s hope!

Did you say you have ADHD op or something similar? If so I’m not surprised you’re struggling so much with your daughter. You need space and quiet, you sound so overstimulated. Do you take medication for your adhd (if that’s what you have?)

I am not a parent but OP the judgmental reponses you are getting are beyond disgusting. Most of us are supportive of you FWIW. I don't think YABU for having occasional feelings of regret.

@Poltershighclimb99 hi yes I have ADHD. I take Ritalin. Quiet? What's that??

@Minimili thank you so much for that, I do have mum friends yes but I'm finding it really hard to be sociable at the moment.

Mum is happy to look after the children yes, unfortunately I don't talk to her about my current mental health state as she just doesn't really get it, or doesn't believe in mental health unless it's her own if she's struggled/stress. It's not possible I can feel this way in her eyes.

I really appreciate the support, even from internet strangers.

Really sorry you are overwhelmed, I hope the meds help soon.
Is there a SEND at the school you could talk to? They would be able to have chat during the day without your eldest there. These staff should be there to provide support as well as a route for diagnosis if she has ADHD. They may be able to suggest after school clubs nearby to give you a break and potentially get her into a hobby or activity that can channel the energy.
At that age, any day the sunshined we were off to the park afterschool to burn off as much energy as possible. But then they can go too far and be a frantic tired hungry mess after. Being a mum does feel neverending hassle at time. But they grow and change, so its unlikely to be the same forever, it just feels that way as some stages are particuarly hard.
Good luck!