Don’t want to relocate

[Supermomma17]

Hi,

my husband and I are have different opinions on this and I’m seeking others who perhaps been in the same situation.

he want to move us from Scotland to West Yorkshire and I’m said I will consider it which I will do and have been doing for weeks now but there is absolutely nothing there that makes me want to give up our lives and jobs here to live there. I’ve made a list of pros and cons and the cons for me are far outweighing the pros. For him the pros outweigh the cons but he’s looking at it from an emotional point of view not practical.

the reason he want to go is support woyh our 3 children which we don’t have here.. not consistent enough anyway ( ie help after school, in the mornings. When kids are sick etc when we need to work) his mum could provide that for us.

all his friends have lives and I think from an emotional point of view he thinks that will pick up where he left off 12 years ago but going from my experience of becoming a mum with all the good will in the world friendships are hard when you all have kids different ages and live in different places, life gets busy! I don’t think we will have the social network he thinks we will have.

which brings me to my side of things! I love where we live: I’m happy all be it lack of support for kids but he does put a lot of barriers in place re leaving them with people. 2 of the have additional needs so they are hard work but they are settled here, have friends and clubs and don’t cope with transitions well. We have special base placements for one already and the other is on the process of trying to get that. We have medication for them which our gp writes prescriptions for so we don’t need to pay privately for them. I’m scared to move them for the lack of asd /adhd support in England or so I’ve been researching/seeing!
also the area in which his mum lives just isn’t for me.. call me snobby, call me whatever you want but the area is grim. To make this work we need to be close enough for her to help and I get depressed just visiting the area.. the nicer parts are usually little villages which I just can’t live in. We live in a big town with nice amenities and a huge network of local facilities. The thought of village life isn’t for me at all. we have a beautiful home, in a beautiful safe , small quiet estate. I’ve been searching for properties for a month or so now and nothing is jumping out at me.. housing is more expensive and smaller or same size as we already have so we will need to up our mortgage to buy a bigger property. Again the thought of increasing our living costs just now to gain the same standard of home as we are in just now is filling me with dread. I know I’m looking for reasons not to move and I suspect there are issues here other than moving.. ie loss of control etc but in truth I don’t want to move! I’m willing to consider its which I feel I have and for me it’s made me clearer I don’t want to do this. To leave all our lives, jobs, schools etc to relocate with very little security in that being a good thing for us. I’d rather struggle with the kids then downgrade our lives for a bit of help.. I mean the kids will grow out of this stage! We’ve worked so hard to provide a good life for our kids to throw it’s away and move to a place I’m unhappy in… the cost of moving would be unrealistic to easily move home. Renting is impossible due to the kids school, it would tie us to that catchment area or not far out to find a property we love and I’m aware the house for me has to be better than what we have.
am I being totally unreasonable coz I’m putting barriers in the way? Has anyone been int he same situation where you both have differing opinions on moving? How will we even agree on this ?

I haven't read all the replies but what jumps out to me in your OP as a parent of an SEN child is that the only factor that really really matters from everything you list is that you have support (placement/medication) already in place where you are for SEN kids. That is not something you should ever give up. It's harder and harder to access and you would be moving to a completely different education and NHS system. It could take a very long time or prove impossible to access the same support. There is a very good chance of your DC suffering and being significantly set back by this. I would not even consider it.

Also, it's quite clear you would hate it and resent DH.

So his argument for that is the children need should have the childhood and relationships with grandparents that he had… he grew up in a small mining town in thw 80/90s, grandparents round the corner from him, stopping in there every day after school etc, staying over whenever he wanted, his granny was like his second mum and he wants this kids to have this. I had that too and yes it was lovely, however I feel this move is coming from nostalgia more than the facts. He’s not forcing me by any means so I don’t want anyone thinking he is, we simply can’t agree and I feel quite bad that if we don’t move I’ve controlled that for my happiness not his or the kids.. I worry that there is just so many cogs that need to be spinning together at the extract same time to make it successful and I’m 45 I just don’t want this sort of stress at this time in life.. our kids are 9 and 8 this year. The way i is see it is that 2 years from now we won’t require so much help as we more or less coming out the thick of it. Yes grandparents around like that would be lovely but times have changed, it’s not like this anymore for a lot of families. I defo will be pitching the visiting more.. I mean I work every 2nd one weekend he could be down there one of those and seeing all his friends and having a break.. or we could all go down on my weekend off and just disappear for a night or 2 like you said!

If you have good support for your SEND children, it would take a LOT to make me move. I'm not in WY, but the system in England is largely crumbling. Some areas are better than others, but shortage of special school spaces, children out of school for months as no suitable placement, EHCP delays including 12 month waits for tribunal if you need to appeal, 2/3/4 year waits for ND assessments and diagnosis, gatekeeping of services and therapies, CAMHS only if your child has made multiple suicide attempts. Those aren't horror stories, they are common.

Your husband needs to do some serious research and be able to show that everything your children currently have would also be available in the new location.

My daughter has the sort of relationship which her grandma where she can pop in anytime , talk anytime

Ok she needs to bring her suitcase as it's a few hundred miles away but distance didn't stop that kind of relationship developing

She always spent weeks at a time with grandma in the holidays whilst I worked as well as us visiting each other

It's nostalgia and fantasy.

Are your DC able to get to MIL from a fictional school by themselves?

Has he not heard of FaceTime? They could spend time with MIL daily!!

In 3 years time or so they will have outgrown wanting to see grannie everyday, she won't be their 2nd Mum because they are past that age.

I think the only way to settle this is to present him with hard facts about costs, SEN provision, size of house etc, work out all the budgeting on your current wages and present it to him. Tell him that a vague "that stuff doesn't matter" isn't a grown up response and when he has a solution to those things, or has actually located a suitable house, school, guaranteed the SEN needs etc you'll look again. Also be firm with him about coming down to visit more if you're fine with that.
His whining about stress and kid free time again is just pathetic man baby shit. It's called parenting. Yes a break is great once in a while but even if you moved, at best you'll get a date night once a week..what foes he actually think his mum is going to do? And as others have said, that is not guaranteed..anything could happen in the interim. I'm sorry to say it but this does feel to me from your posts that he's heading towards a split, an EOW or less set up..he moves south, sees the kids once a month with his mum doing all the parenting when they're there.

Stop and ask why you feel so much responsibility for his happiness?

Is this because he has to look after the DC EOW and he finds it too difficult? Is that the stress that will "kill him"?

Oh wow! That must have been really rough for you… relocating is tough on anyone really unless it’s fully your choice. For us to move to a place busy enough for me to feel part of something, there is without a doubt it will be a worse area than here and I’ve checked crimes rates etc.. but the less crime areas are villages on the outskirts or market towns and neither of these I will want to be in. I grew up in a market town and hated it.. no transport links, feeling stuck with lack of opportunities. I mean everything in our cost of living will increase. We get £300 a month just now from Scot gov for kids, free prescriptions for their meds, our insurance would increase for our cars due to crime rates.. taking on a mortgage ( not to mention the rates are ridiculous just now ) wages doing down and the biggest thing is we would need a 5 bed so I can at least have family and friends to stay with us.. I have money from our wedding to make our garage into a 5 room just now for that to happen so his family and friends can visit more here. The truth is no one visits us anyway apart from his mum. We don’t have a social life here it’s true, but I have friends tht I keep in touch with and would miss being far apartment from them as the distance would end any relationships I do have. He’s never lived in West Yorkshire since he was 18.. briefly when I met him but we are talking 1 year tops. I’ve lived here all my life bar travelling for 2 years. The trouble now is how do I put this to bed for good?

I've not been in your situation.

Though from what you describe I would stay put. I'm not sure how to put this to bed for good though.

Anyway I thank everyone that’s taken the time to reply and it’s definitely strengthened my reasoning to not move. I agree with everyone commenting that it needs out to bed properly now. I’ve seriously considered it and researched into how to make that happen but it’s unlikely to be anything but smooth. Even the property works differently so there is absolutely no guarantee we don’t end up without a house at all to live in. In Scotland once your offer accepted officiallu it’s a done deal no party can pull out, I believe that’s the opposite on England so what’s not to say we sell and can’t pull out but our English property does. We are left with nothing!

I think you have your head firmly screwed on and like you said, your husband is too wrapped up in unrealistic fantasies.

I can imagine so easily you ending up in a similar scenario to BlackCat. So easy for us to see this happening so I wonder if your husband's ADHD ASD (? can't remember what you said) is contributing to this fixation of fantasy. I mean, I can see it from your descriptions and I am a stranger to you!

With regard to how to put it to bed. I guess it comes down to trying to get through to him that what he thinks are the material things compared to the emotional family contact are not just material. All the things you have described are what makes life worth living. You have carved out a wonderful life for yourselves, frankly not guaranteed with two kids with extra needs. The stress you are imagining from the move is palpable.

I imagine it is you who has organised most of the SEN support, schools, house, jobs everything really. So your husband maybe cannot value what you have managed to do to set your lives up? Does he think this will magically happen in Yorkshire?

The other thing is - would you want daily contact with his family? 😂

Please do not move! I can see it all ending horribly. If you do split up, your life is going to be much easier as a single parent where you are now!

I really hope you can put this to bed, with various ideas from this thread. Especially paying for help - a regular babysitter could become a much-loved friend and feel like a member of the family. And hopefully give you both some of the free time that your husband obviously craves.

I expect part of it is that crashing reality of life with kids and he hasn't quite adjusted!

In terms of putting it to bed:

I have thoroughly researched this and I'm not prepare to take the risk due to

1. Ending up houseless due to England system
2. No suitable school places for DC
3. Living in a rough area which is all we can afford in a suitable sized town/city
4. Moving away after 30/40 years from all my friends etc as well have the reverse issue we have now so what has changed

And so on

BUT - what can we do now to make you less stressed? If we convert the garage will your Mum come and stay more often/for longer?

Can we search for a local babysitter that can help weekends when I am working

Do you want to go stay with your Mum more often, can we get that booked in?

Ree reading your thread op has alerted me to the fact your dh is struggling with sen dc. He sees a move as where his dps can share the responsibility thus lessening his. . If he won't take medication which would enhance his ability to be less stressed- he has no right expecting you and dc to move to try and do that for him as an alternative..

Yes - this!

Your children are the main priority here and you've managed to get them support which might not be available from the relevant bodies if you were to move.

Also your MIL isn't getting younger so may well find being responsible, even part time, for your SEN children more difficult in the future and their own needs may well increase too.

He is being very shortsighted as there are more reasons to stay put, including financially, than the emotional and physical. What effect would this have on your children having to start again somewhere else, especially if there's the possibility their needs might not properly be catered for?

Let him move out and live with his parents for a while, trying to live the life he thinks there is. He can live with his mother for a few months whilst you and the children visit occasionally and he comes to visit you all in Scotland alternatively. Let him do all the research for what he wants - and you get your ducks in a row in case you decide your future and that of your children is to stay where you are. 🌹

Maybe the discussion needs to swap from relocating to are you both happy living where you are and with the life you have. Does he enjoy his job? Does he have any hobbies or friends there? Do you ever get to go on date nights etc? If not maybe solutions to these issues will put relocating out of his mind. It's easy to want to run back to what we knew rather than tackle what is making us unhappy

@Supermomma17 you’re going to have to come clean. I think just say it’s about the kids’ support/Drs/schools and so on. Plus you will be financially worse off. Perfectly sensible reasons not to move. Could you go and stay down there over summer and see if it changes his mind? Could you ask him to contact local schools/gp/dentists to see if over subscribed and so on, so he can experience what the logistics might look like?

Please do not consider moving children with additional needs, without doing a lot of research and advance preparation. SEN provision in England is patchy and one Scottish family I know had a terrible experience, lost their home and had to move in with family. You may find that you have to wait for a time with no provision, or even take the local authority to court.

Your rationale is sound. Stick to your guns.

As another parent of a child with SEN, I'm with PPs. I wouldn't even move borough in London at this point, it's much too disruptive for the child and much too risky in terms of losing the care they/we need.