Don’t want to relocate

[Supermomma17]

Hi,

my husband and I are have different opinions on this and I’m seeking others who perhaps been in the same situation.

he want to move us from Scotland to West Yorkshire and I’m said I will consider it which I will do and have been doing for weeks now but there is absolutely nothing there that makes me want to give up our lives and jobs here to live there. I’ve made a list of pros and cons and the cons for me are far outweighing the pros. For him the pros outweigh the cons but he’s looking at it from an emotional point of view not practical.

the reason he want to go is support woyh our 3 children which we don’t have here.. not consistent enough anyway ( ie help after school, in the mornings. When kids are sick etc when we need to work) his mum could provide that for us.

all his friends have lives and I think from an emotional point of view he thinks that will pick up where he left off 12 years ago but going from my experience of becoming a mum with all the good will in the world friendships are hard when you all have kids different ages and live in different places, life gets busy! I don’t think we will have the social network he thinks we will have.

which brings me to my side of things! I love where we live: I’m happy all be it lack of support for kids but he does put a lot of barriers in place re leaving them with people. 2 of the have additional needs so they are hard work but they are settled here, have friends and clubs and don’t cope with transitions well. We have special base placements for one already and the other is on the process of trying to get that. We have medication for them which our gp writes prescriptions for so we don’t need to pay privately for them. I’m scared to move them for the lack of asd /adhd support in England or so I’ve been researching/seeing!
also the area in which his mum lives just isn’t for me.. call me snobby, call me whatever you want but the area is grim. To make this work we need to be close enough for her to help and I get depressed just visiting the area.. the nicer parts are usually little villages which I just can’t live in. We live in a big town with nice amenities and a huge network of local facilities. The thought of village life isn’t for me at all. we have a beautiful home, in a beautiful safe , small quiet estate. I’ve been searching for properties for a month or so now and nothing is jumping out at me.. housing is more expensive and smaller or same size as we already have so we will need to up our mortgage to buy a bigger property. Again the thought of increasing our living costs just now to gain the same standard of home as we are in just now is filling me with dread. I know I’m looking for reasons not to move and I suspect there are issues here other than moving.. ie loss of control etc but in truth I don’t want to move! I’m willing to consider its which I feel I have and for me it’s made me clearer I don’t want to do this. To leave all our lives, jobs, schools etc to relocate with very little security in that being a good thing for us. I’d rather struggle with the kids then downgrade our lives for a bit of help.. I mean the kids will grow out of this stage! We’ve worked so hard to provide a good life for our kids to throw it’s away and move to a place I’m unhappy in… the cost of moving would be unrealistic to easily move home. Renting is impossible due to the kids school, it would tie us to that catchment area or not far out to find a property we love and I’m aware the house for me has to be better than what we have.
am I being totally unreasonable coz I’m putting barriers in the way? Has anyone been int he same situation where you both have differing opinions on moving? How will we even agree on this ?

You haven't said how old MIL is, or what health she is in. Could she realistically help? How much? For how long?

Will you, in turn, be expected to care for MIL as she gets older?

@Supermomma17

I’m feeling so much peer pressure from his friends and family and I’m sure they all think I’m being a snob coz they live there and don’t think the same as me about it

So they already know this discussion is taking place? No wonder you're feeling pressured. Did your husband mention the possibility to his mother and other family?

In your shoes, I think even if I had no children, I'd struggle to give up the variety and quality of life it sounds you already have for something which makes your heart sink. Taking your children's needs into account would just add great weight to your argument in not moving, on top of the being unable to afford the type of property you have now without incurring much more mortgage debt.

Where are the positives for you and your children? 🌹

For something this big, both people need to be very much on board. And that's before you factor in your children and the provision you have been able to get for them. I can see nothing good about the move for you.

So his argument for it being better for us all is help, a babysitter so we could both have a life. Somewhere for the kids to get away from us instead of stuck with only us 2 all the time. Regular large family gatherings.. his friends closer ( the friends that in ths 10 yrs we lived in Scotland have never been up once) this is my fear, these people won’t be around if we move..also again my lifestyle isn’t in line with theirs in terms of eating out/going out. I hate brewers fayre places and that’s where they like! I just can’t see myself being happy there. I guess I would have more time kid free to come back to my tribe in Scotland tho but I don’t know if I want that enough to leave in the first place

"I don’t think we will have the social network he thinks we will have."

You are right, you won't. He moved away 12 years ago, any gap that left in anyone's life has been filled long-since. Yes, even his mother's! Whilst his mother may well happily rearrange her day-to-day life to make space for him, he's kidding himself if he thinks he can just slot back in. My parents lived abroad for some years and they found that side of life the most difficult. Friends had moved, friends had 'changed', everyone was older and had more going on in their own lives than before. And they had kept in touch while they were away; letters, phone-calls. It was still impossible to pick up where they had left off.

Please dont give in.
Your mil is going to get frailer & you will end up with none if this imaginary help. On the contrary, you will end up helping her.
You already have complex issues with your DC. So It will be worse.
Also can your H slot into a job easily ?

I dont even live in the UK any more
But from my view point you will resent losing your contacts, lifestyle & schools

I agree this is a bad idea, in particular, given your children have SEN there is a risk his mum is unrealistic about her ability to help with them.

My mum has always looked after my kids with sen once a week, but there came a point where she was no longer able to look after both together. They were hard work and really she just wanted to have a nice time, she didn't want to be using parenting strategies etc.

It's getting a bit easier now they are older but I would not expect her to have them for more than a couple hours per week or in an emergency. It's too much.

She is unlikely to be able to care for SEN children into old age, you will probably be providing care for her.
her moving to you is a much better idea.
i would say you have thought but no you can’t do it. I lived in West Yorkshire for years, it had many grim parts and a lack of opportunity. You won’t be happier

I think his mum is fine to care for them for now at least and they love being with her.. there really is no denying that. The sort of help we really need is help with clubs after school etc esp if I’m working. Weekends games when I’m working etc. but yes this defo something to think about re her getting worse

@Supermomma17

The sort of help we really need is help with clubs after school etc esp if I’m working. Weekends games when I’m working etc.

Where is your husband in this? 🌹

He works during the days and I usually work back shifts on overtime to top my wage up. But when I do that it’s hard to get them to after school clubs

I'm guessing the 'West Yorkshire town' is Keighley or Shipley, or a suburb of Bradford.

I’d rather not say where as I don’t want to offend anyone

Fair enough.

I'm from Keighley - you wouldn't have offended me! I love the town and its people, but I'm not blind to its - sadly very many, and very obvious - issues.

@Supermomma17 I live in West Yorkshire and wouldn’t want to move due to all the reasons you’ve stated, though I understand where your DH is coming from.

Your kids are happy and settled and your current area sounds nice. I’ve just started the EHCP process for my SEN DD and wouldn’t want to move country and start all
over again x 2.

Especially when one is settled in a specialist setting and even more so if you were to move to my local authority as there aren’t many non-mainstream options plus lots of delays with the EHCP process.

You’d be uprooting your lives for family help that may not materialise. Although yes, it would be nice for your DC to grow up around their grandparents. If it was me, I’d stay put.

@Supermomma17 Also, it’s not really anything against West Yorkshire. I moved here and have grown to really like it, it’s a beautiful part of the country. As with most areas, there are some not so nice bits but also lots of lovely towns and villages.

The money spent money could be spent of paid for babysitting.

Moving sounds like a terrible idea all round. In your shoes there is no way I would move! Lay out all the reasons you have given here, and put this discussion to bed for good.

You say you have special base placements. These rarely exist in England; you'd probably need a special school. To get a place at a special school, you need an EHCP and then the energy to argue and argue til you get one because virtually every single one is full with many parents clamouring to get their children in. I really don't think you should be under any illusions about how difficult the move could be just in terms of sorting out schooling alone. Your husband probably needs to read up on this.

Yes it’s a specialist school he attended 2 afternoons a week just now but looks like that may increase to 4. We are through educational psychology with the other one now and he will be at the sen forum in a few weeks to make decisions on the recommendations.. it’s a process of let’s try this let’s try that and when all interventions are done I’d still no improvements the placement is offered. We have been with camhs waiting list for 3 years now I don’t even know I’d wed skip the queue if we moved or go to back if their list there again.

yes if only a rent a granny existed lol

yeah we could and o think we need to consider paid help

Before I had children, for some unknown reason, I thought my mum would be a really hand on and helpful Nan, who wanted to look after her grandchildren and help me. Reality is she's literally no help, and when she comes to visit, it's like having a 4th child. Even on my birthday, I still had to wait on her hand and foot, make the drinks whilst consoling an upset toddler. Literally nothing. She would not be a reason to hold me back from relocating. My in-laws are better, but we only really feel we can ask for help when one has an appointment and it's not possible to take a toddler along. But their looking after for an hour comes with me entertaining and looking after them for a few hours, so I really have to need the childcare.

My point being, people can appear to have the best intentions to help, but often the help is not as helpful as you would hope.

I would consider very carefully what the education options would be for your children if you move. You may not even get places for them at the same mainstream school as one another, let alone be given a specialist place without months/ years of waiting. How would that impact on the support his mum could provide? Also, if you move to a new authority during the assessment process, they may not accept the previous reports etc and make you start from scratch.
SEN provision varies wildly from authority to authority- it would be wise to contact the authority you would come under and ask what provision they would have and if there are any places at your preferred schools. Surely your DH isn’t suggesting that you move without have some idea of where you can realistically send them to school and it doesn’t sound like you’ve got much information in this yet? It might be a deal breaker if he realises how much the kids have to lose.

YANBU. I have two children with ASD and we made the decision a while back not to move as their support is all in place.

You have so many reasons to stay. Definitely don't move. The resentment if DC don't settle/ get good medical support/ you have to cope without friends will be overwhelming.