Feel like a crap mum for struggling and don’t know if this set up is right

[Struggling180]

Dd is 18 months. I went back to work when she was one and used my accrued annual leave to take two days off a week. I thought this was best so she was only in nursery three days a week at first and so I had more time with her. Ex left when she was 10 months but sees her most weeks.

Today is a day off with her and I just don’t want to do another day of it. My work is full on but not like this. I don’t even know what to do with her, I genuinely think she enjoys nursery just as much or the same

i will go up to four days a week soon and feel awful about that too as worry she will want to be at home. I also think I should have done it sooner so I had a bit of a break as well. I just feel so conflicted and sad and like I have failed because if I am honest work feels like a day off more than a day with her feels. I count the hours sometimes, I am embarrassed to admit. Of course it’s great watching her grow but the nappies, food prep, mess and constant attention is so hard.

OP, first thing to realise is there is no right or wrong, only what works for you and for your financial situation. Some people are better at the toddler stage than others, it doesn't make anyone a bad mum. And being a lone mum is hard, don't underestimate that.

I'm also a lone mum and I went back full time. My ds is fine, now 15, happy, secure, doing well.

If your dd is happy going to nursery 3 days a week, she'll be fine moving to four. She'll be well socialised and learning fast. Also bear in mind, as spring arrives, days at home get easier - picnics, more time in the park, exploring woods and beaches, playing in the garden.

Children do best with happy mums. Your happiness is important to her because she relies on you. So stop feeling guilty and do whatever you need to do to regain your 'balance'. xx

Don’t beat yourself up so much. There is nothing wrong in admitting that you are finding it hard. She will be fine in nursery for a longer time then the days you have with her will be more special

Toddlers ARE hard work. You aren't a crap mum for feeling that at all.

What @Meadowfinch said is spot on. I was exactly the same and ended up going from 4 to 5 days and was a much happier mum and I then appreciated the time I got at weekends and mornings / evenings so much more. There's no right or wrong. Don't beat yourself up. You're going an amazing job x

OP please don't feel bad. I feel/ felt exactly the same, and many of my friends do too. And many didn't, and that's fine. I personally found the 1-3 age so so hard (and had 2 under 2) and preferred to work more. I work 4 days a week and until recently still found the Fri/Sat/sun such a slog.
Of course I love my kids and want to spend time with them, but the constant meals, nappies, bottles, snacks, changing of clothes, mess, in and out the car, in and out the buggy etc I found exhausting.
My little girl is 3 now and honestly I would find a day off work with just her so easy compared to what it was. I feel like I'm coming into my own as a mum whereas when they were babies I was just a stressed mess most of the time and work was respite. I don't care how that sounds, that's how I felt.

For context, my dd went to nursery for 2 days a week then went to full time, my ds1 went to nursery full time and ds2 has been going 4 days a week. They all enjoyed nursery but also didn't want to go sometimes. I felt like they went to little and then went to much, but now they are out the other side.... they are all very similar. My dd went to school most prepared but I'm not sure it's anything I did, she's just like that. Ds1 wasn't really prepared but he's caught up and naturally good with numbers even though he didn't really know anything past 20 when he started school.

You're going to feel guilty whatever you you do but in the end it doesn't seem to make a massive difference to the kids. They might complain on the door but they just accept nursery quickly once you've left. Going to nursery now does make a difference to how they transition to school so just do what's right for you. If it makes a difference, I have Fridays off with my 4 Yr old and we just do the food shop, clean up and he has probably way too much tv. But we spend the time together and make the adult stuff more fun. Like he's trained me to go to the tesco cafe for the kids lunch but he's happy to go around as long as we do that. Compromise.

Hi op, I have a Lo same age and I find it such hard work. We are fortunate enough that we have a P/T nanny ... but I'm also a sahm. I do not enjoy this age AT ALL. The constant need to entertain or watch her just drains the soul out of me. I have an older child
and I just cannot wait till my baby gets to that age. I play with her, do breakfast, take her for a walk then hand her over to the nanny for a few hours and I feel like it's only then that I can breathe. I know that sounds extreme but not everyone enjoys it. And I recently had a chat with my older child's friends parents, and they also found it extremely hard. Lots of them roped in grandparents, nanny, or did extra days at nursery. Some of them were sahm too. So it really isn't that uncommon even though you feel like it. Those that worked said going to work is the much easier option.
I would honestly increase her to four days, keep the one day to yourself until you increase the work days and enjoy your 1 day to yourself. You're a single parent too, so the load is a lot on you. Take the time if you need it and don't feel bad.

OP, I echo everything that has already been said… it is HARD, and especially so if you are doing it all alone. Could your daughter start her 4 days a little bit sooner, while you are still working 3 days. That day could be for you to catch your breath and take a bit of time for yourself. Remember being a parent is a long-term project. You are going to need strength and energy. That means resting at times too, to help you carry on.

My DD LOVED nursery, she told us that she loved her teacher more than she loved us 🙄. As long as it’s a good quality nursery and she seems happy I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Dd was intense (noted by her nursery teacher as well) toddlers are bloody hard work.

I was a better mum when I got a break from the constant demands tbh, parents are often much more isolated than previous generations, we weren’t meant to raise kids like this and we don’t acknowledge enough how difficult it can be without the extra pair of hands around. We felt flat out exhausted and there were two of us.

It’s a tricky age, I had 2u2 and it felt like it lasted forever! What helped me was having something to ‘do’ on our days together. So a playgroup, swimming, a class or activity, just something to anchor the day around so you do something in the morning & get outside (always helped me, weather dependent) and then home for lunch (unless I felt brave and went to a cafe!) and then nap, and then usually home playing in the afternoon or out again if the sun was out. I’m not hugely routine driven but a place to be at X time gave the day some structure and I hated it less.

Can I ask gently why you don’t work if it is not something you enjoy?

I returned to work on ‘condensed’ hours when mine were 9 months old which meant one day a week with them at home with me. That was enough for me, work felt that a break from the monotony of looking after under 2/3s - and the loved nursery. Don’t feel bad, do what works for you, DD will be fine either way.

@Janetime can I ask ‘gently’ what this has got to do with you? Presumably their finances allow them to make these choices.

SAHM with a nanny sounds like a dream. 😂

I found around 18mo to be really hard work with both my kids - they can do some things, but not others, not big enough for many activities, too big for others, limited/developing language so you feel like you're talking loads with little conversation. Parenting is absolutely bloody relentless and that's before all this social media pressure of making memories, 1000 hours in nature, tuff tray activities etc etc etc. Not every day can be a joy, sometimes it's getting round ASDA and shoving cbeebies on so you can eat biscuits in peace.

She likes nursery, you like work, you'll both be fine with an extra day. All you can do is your best, and it sounds like you are doing s great job. You've got nothing to feel guilty about.

When my youngest was 18 months was a very low point for me. I felt very strongly that going back to work saved my sanity. It's not always going to be like this.

I think there's a lot to be said for working more when they are little and dropping your hours a bit once they start school. School plus lots of breakfast club and after school club can be a lot harder on a 4 year old than more nursery days are on a 2 year old, in my view.

Little kids are hard work.

There is a reason many dads make excuses to work late or not try for 50 50 custody. Because its bloody hard. Those men will also be the first to tell you that you should be glad to have "time off" with the baby and pick up loads of domestic duties.

It's hard. Its easier to be at work. Work gives you the opportunity to take annual leave on your days off. Push your ex to either pay for half of nursery or have DD at weekends so you can take time off. He wont want as much custody as you expect and will say he cant do it as he has work. Well so do you. That is your bargaining chip. You both need to pay for childcare when noone is available to do it. He can reduce his hours same as you can. Time with you and time with nursery are not the only options.

It's not you failing. Little people are hard X

Your ex needs to have set days and stick to them so you can get a proper break.

For me it feels a million times worse at home, take your kid out it feels loads better. Playgroup/softplay/playground/woods etc/big field with a ball. Let them be messy elsewhere and eat elsewhere then go home to a nice clean home for nap time. Works for me. Now mine are older I still take them out all the time and let them create food mess outside/in a restaurant (which I do contain and tidy the table etc at the end and they're not too messy now) but it feels so much easier than sitting inside with them.

Because there are bills to pay maybe 🙄

Do not fret! At that age it is a break for you to go to work. I was shocked when I returned and could drink a cup of tea in peace! It had been so long………

Your child is happy there, you like working so let her go

Also even take her in and have days off to yourself to get some peace

It really is ok not to love drudgery and toddlers 24:7 no one really does! It’s constant and at this age it’s totally understandable

You are doing your best OP!! I found 18 months really tough. Each hour seemed to drag and I had no idea what to do with them. Time definitely went more quickly outside to trips to the park, museums, farms, swimming pool etc were great for killing time. I'm the house I used to go from room to room with them looking at different things. We had teddy picnics top. Also watched Cbeebies!
As they get older they become much easier. There are so many more things you can do with a 3 or 4 year old.

You aren't a bad mum OP. 18 months is a difficult age. I used to feel the same when I worked part time, work was a break and my 2 days at home with my toddler at the time was hard. Friends were all in work and kids at school, so I was bored a lot of time and the days were long and I also felt guilty for feeling like that.

Things got much easier when we got the 30 hours free childcare when he turned 3 , he went to nursery full time which he loved and I went back to full time hours.

It is a fair question to be fair. No point staying at home if it something you don't enjoy.

First thing to do is get some routine, look into general or toddler specific classes at the local swimming pool, tumble tots, signing for babies , play groups and Bounce and Rhyme at the library. Go to those, she'll probably drop off after the activity so take her for a walk and get yourself something to eat and drink at a cafe and have a flask and a coffee in the park. Home for lunch, light and not too messy craft in the pm like putting Cheerios on a piece of uncooked spaghetti, salt dough, mark making with crayons or an aqua draw. Spend some time reading, put some music on so you can have a dance, watch some Barney, then a nap. That'll be most of your day filled.

if you try to wing a day without some sort of plan then you'll feel like you wasted the day.

@WithACatLikeTread she enjoys not working but also not spending 100% of her time with her kids. What is so hard to understand?