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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you be friends with a young guy?

34 replies

TennisM3 · 15/04/2024 22:06

A guy started in sour workplace, about 2 years ago. He is 27 and I'm 49. We share an office and honestly we have great chats - usually about lots of deep things, philosophy, etc or he might talk about his girlfriend and me DH and kids etc.

It sounds really weird but we have the same vibe/emotional frequency and I find him such good company, he lightens my souls. He also said he really enjoys the chats too!

It is nothing weird but I find I have massive affection for him, like I care he is doing ok, like a friend would.

But can you honestly be close friends to someone much younger/opposite sex? I find I'm pulling away a bit more as it might seem a bit weird, I don't know. Thoughts?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 15/04/2024 22:08

Why’s it strange? You are old enough to be his mum, I can’t see why this is weird.

BettyShagter · 15/04/2024 22:09

Eh? How is that weird?

It's not like you're hitting nightclubs together, doing a line of coke and crashing on his sofa every weekend.

MistyBerkowitz · 15/04/2024 22:11

I can’t see why you think this is weird.

MiddleParking · 15/04/2024 22:11

TennisM3 · 15/04/2024 22:06

A guy started in sour workplace, about 2 years ago. He is 27 and I'm 49. We share an office and honestly we have great chats - usually about lots of deep things, philosophy, etc or he might talk about his girlfriend and me DH and kids etc.

It sounds really weird but we have the same vibe/emotional frequency and I find him such good company, he lightens my souls. He also said he really enjoys the chats too!

It is nothing weird but I find I have massive affection for him, like I care he is doing ok, like a friend would.

But can you honestly be close friends to someone much younger/opposite sex? I find I'm pulling away a bit more as it might seem a bit weird, I don't know. Thoughts?

I would happily be pally with a younger guy at work if it came up but I wouldn’t be sharing the vibe/same frequency/having my soul lightened. That sounds like a route to making an arse of yourself in one way or another.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/04/2024 22:12

I think it’s fine, especially at work. I have a group of work friends and we range in age from 20s - 50s, admittedly all female (work in a school and male staff v. thin on the ground) but we are all at very different life stages and from very different backgrounds but the friendships are still genuine.

I think friendships with two very different ages/ life stages would be hard to develop in the outside/ real world, but in the workplace you’re often forced together with people for 8 hours a day 5 days a week, in that situation you do start to talk beneath service level stuff or beyond the stuff you outwardly have in common (eg: family, children, pets, career, hobbies) and can start to talk about politics or philosophy or values and connect on a different level. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that or any reason you can’t be good friends, although I expect if one of you left the job you might find it harder to keep going if you had to try and arrange to meet on common ground in real life.

LoseMeLikeAnArrow · 15/04/2024 22:14

One of my close friends is much younger than me and male (I'm female). We share a hobby, so it makes sense anyway, but there is zero sexual chemistry on either side and a 20-year age gap and we have been close friends for nearly a decade. Nobody bats an eye-lid. It's friendship and friendship comes in many packages. Enjoy each others' company 🙂

SallyWD · 15/04/2024 22:23

I think it's perfectly fine. I find I connect with people because of who they are - not because of their age or sex. I have friends who are much younger and friends who are elderly.
I'm just wondering why you're worrying that this is weird? Is it possible that you're started to develop romantic feelings for him?

Sallyh87 · 15/04/2024 22:28

He’s a work colleague, I have great chats with many of mine. From the outside, it strikes me that if you are worried about it, it might be because you are starting to feel romantic feelings?

NewName24 · 15/04/2024 22:28

Agree with the majority. Not sure why it would be weird.
He most likely perceives you as an older person he can chat to easily - like a friend of his Mum, or a Godmother or Aunty.
You are only chatting whilst working, presumably, not hitting wherever the clubbing strip is in your part of the world ?

RandomButtons · 15/04/2024 22:29

Of course you can have opposite sex friends who are younger.

However if it’s starting to move to regular texting or deep emotional stuff you might want keep check that you’re not developing romantic feelings.

mrandmrsrobinson · 15/04/2024 22:29

And if this was a man and young woman?

Fernticket · 15/04/2024 22:31

SallyWD · 15/04/2024 22:23

I think it's perfectly fine. I find I connect with people because of who they are - not because of their age or sex. I have friends who are much younger and friends who are elderly.
I'm just wondering why you're worrying that this is weird? Is it possible that you're started to develop romantic feelings for him?

This. I have friends,both male and female of all different ages. I get on with people because I have things in common with them, not because of their ages.

MistyBerkowitz · 15/04/2024 22:32

mrandmrsrobinson · 15/04/2024 22:29

And if this was a man and young woman?

One of my best friends in my 20s was a man in his 40s.

IncompleteSenten · 15/04/2024 22:32

People should be able to. Logically there's no reason it should be a problem.
For me though, the thought of being friends with someone only a few years older than my sons is too weird

I can't even articulate why it is weird, I just know that it is.

Which as a response to your question is about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike!

SheepAndSword · 15/04/2024 22:34

It's more common than you think OP. I was proud of mine when he graduated, got a graduate job and got together with his work crush.

It's normal to have friends of all ages, male or female :)

neverbeenskiing · 15/04/2024 22:36

I'm good friends with a 24 year old man I work with. I'm 40. He's gay though. It really shouldn't matter, but if I'm being totally honest I don't know if I'd feel as comfortable doing things like going out for drinks just the two of us and chatting about personal/emotional things if he was straight, I'm not sure. If something about the situation doesn't feel comfortable, OP then maybe you're developing a bit of a crush? Or are you worried people will think there's something going on between you?

Original poster
TennisM3 · 16/04/2024 03:35

IncompleteSenten · 15/04/2024 22:32

People should be able to. Logically there's no reason it should be a problem.
For me though, the thought of being friends with someone only a few years older than my sons is too weird

I can't even articulate why it is weird, I just know that it is.

Which as a response to your question is about as much use as an ashtray on a motorbike!

Edited

This exactly! This is why! At some level I feel I should be connecting more with people my own age mainly as my kids are young teenage? I think you've made a very good point here!

OP posts:
Original poster
TennisM3 · 16/04/2024 03:38

neverbeenskiing · 15/04/2024 22:36

I'm good friends with a 24 year old man I work with. I'm 40. He's gay though. It really shouldn't matter, but if I'm being totally honest I don't know if I'd feel as comfortable doing things like going out for drinks just the two of us and chatting about personal/emotional things if he was straight, I'm not sure. If something about the situation doesn't feel comfortable, OP then maybe you're developing a bit of a crush? Or are you worried people will think there's something going on between you?

Yes. A agree completely. I perhaps people feel would judge from the outside. That that I should worry as I'm happily married and also am sure he sees me as much older but recently a colleague (my age) slagged me - look on a jokey way - about "chatting to the younger crowd" - and so people do judge a little?

I also wonder why he would want to be so chatty too and perhaps I also judge this?

I never thought I'd see the world through age but I do more than I think!

OP posts:
Original poster
TennisM3 · 16/04/2024 03:40

RandomButtons · 15/04/2024 22:29

Of course you can have opposite sex friends who are younger.

However if it’s starting to move to regular texting or deep emotional stuff you might want keep check that you’re not developing romantic feelings.

Not at all!

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 16/04/2024 06:33

I think people become a bit ageless in the workplace. I am good friends with a couple of much younger people at work. Nothing weird about it.

Catza · 16/04/2024 07:53

You found a person you enjoy having a conversation with. That's the only thing that is relevant. His age, sex or especially what others think about you is neither here nor there. Why do you care so much if other's judge?
I have a younger male friend. We are very close and this friendship is priceless to me. My partner took a bit of reassuring when we first started dating. Aside from that, couldn't care less what others think about it.

cuckyplunt · 16/04/2024 07:58

Absolutely, I adore one of my fellow workers, I was his boss for a while. We are absolutely on the same wavelength and talk or teams every workday. I spent a day cleaning his house when he moved. I am 59yo, he is 40yo.
I am happily married. He is divorced now but I hope he meets a nice someone very soon.

StarlightLady · 16/04/2024 08:00

Not weird at all. I have friends of all ages and their sex doesn’t come into it.

Posts like this worry me, (not the OP herself), I am a bisexual woman and some of the logic here would suggest l can’t have any friends.

Intothevalley · 16/04/2024 08:04

Intergenerational (or at least age difference) and opposite sex (or attracted sex) friendships are fine. I have several (past and present).

Saying someone is on the same "frequency" or "lights your soul" is erring towards inappropriate.

Icequeen01 · 16/04/2024 08:04

I'm almost 63 and work somewhere where I am at least 20 years older than my colleagues. Due to the nature of our work we are an extremely close team. There is one team member I'm more close to and he is 33, married and has two kids (I'm also married with a DS24). He talks to me about everything and although he would deny it I think he sees me as a maternal figure. We even occasionally have a drink together.

There is nothing weird about our friendship. It's nothing sexual and everyone at work knows we are good friends. Both our other halves know we are good friends. The weirdness would be if we pretended we weren't friends. Sometimes you just find someone you get on with.