It’s always me-am I the scapegoat of the family?

[Itwasahotonetoday]

Live abroad and family over at the moment-and again I’m noticing patterns and feeling hurt. Whenever we’re out in a group of us, parents and sister/brother, my dcs or sisters, my dad usually (sometimes mum, not as often though) will make a dig somehow and it’s always something directed at me in front of everyone. It’s never anything awful, but it’s noticeable and makes things awkward and everyone goes quiet. My sister will often defend me/say something in my support. It doesn’t really happen when just me and my parents, I also notice they speak to my sister in a more caring way, it’s hard to explain. I noticed it again today but also saw a couple of *Jokes sort of about my Dd and I draw the line there. My sister & brother and sisters kids are very introverted and quiet and don’t speak much really, I’m hardly loud myself and also quite quiet, but I chat more than them and Dd v outgoing..I just wonder why it’s always fair game to aim things at me/put me down in front of them?
I also don’t know how to react and end up getting quiet and just feeling shit

Call him out, subtly. "Dad, what did you mean by that?" Then silence until he explains himself. It could be a pattern of behaviour/way of speaking he's done for so long that he's not consciously aware of it, but if it makes you uncomfortable then it needs to stop.

@Eyesopenwideawake But why is it always me? Always in front of my sister & brother…I never him doing it to them in front of me for example

"did you mean to hurt my feelings?"

@hugheashman But you see then I’d be made out to be too sensitive or ruining the day or he’d/they’d say they were joking etc

I’m just curious as to the psychology behind this and why me and not them also

"thats a mean thing to say" "lets say nice things that make people feel good"

I honestly dont know why they do it

Ask him
Whats your problem? And don’t you dare say I’m sensitive!

Only he can answer that. Maybe you remind him of his own mother or another relative, maybe you are like him and it unsettles him somehow. What is important is that it says nothing about who you are.

Are you the eldest? How was your relationship with him growing up?

Could be any number of reasons really, we don’t know your family or you so it’s hard to tell you.

Jealousy maybe of you, is intimidated by you maybe. Whatever the reason is, it won’t be logical or nice.

Family dynamics are weird.

Anyway, if people are making you feel bad and you don’t like it. Either tell them directly or choose not to be around them.

It does sound horrible though and I’m glad you stuck up for your daughter.

Have recently come across this chap on Instagram and he speaks sense. He takes situations such as you describe and gives 3 ways of tackling the issue.

https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher/

It’s hard to explain, it’s not always something I can say ‘That’s a mean thing to say’

Today’s example: everyone out for lunch, all trying to move around for some to sit in shade (dad has to) lots of fussing with seats. Dad ended up on chair on own on end but was ok with that. I was on opposite side to my Dd (only 5) and a bit far from her and noticed she looked a bit worried/quiet. So I went to the other side to sit next to her, me on the end. Didn’t think more of it.
Talking after it (can’t remember what about)
and dad says ‘Well I was ok here until -(my name) moved and sat over here and changed my position (or something 🤷🏻‍♀️) wasn’t exactly mean but also not nice. I said that I came to sit with Dd as she looked a bit shy so I could sit with her. Everyone went silent and my sister did an uncomfortable look. It’s things like this but fairly often. I forget about it until we all get together again

Was he saying he was unhappy you moved closer to him? If so that’s definitely horrible.

I’m the middle child, they always seem more protective of my younger sister and speak more kindly/with more respect in a way
But it’s ok when just us really.
Years ago I was upset and asked dad why he often puts me down and why I’m the least favourite and she got upset (on my behalf I think?) and said if anything I was his favourite (it certainly doesn’t appear that way )

@Sallyh87 No not that, just sort of sat on the end, maybe blocked the end bit I think? I honestly don’t know

*Asked my mum why dad often put me down-I’ve never asked my dad/brought it up

were you a "problem child" when you were younger? did you rebel more than the others?

He makes you self conscious and vaguely guilty for ordinary things. Why he does it isn’t as important as THAT he does it. He centers himself as a victim to n tuny ways. Look up covert narcissism—see if that resonates. The important thing is that you can’t get a reasonable, historical, explanation for this behavior. So accept that. Look at understanding THAT it happens and WHEN it happens so you can orotect yourself and your dd.

You aren’t me so strategies I would use might not be available to you but I would

1. watch his behavior like you are an anthropologist from mars.

2. Pick your battles.

3. Create an all purpose demeaning humerous comment (and follow it with “just kidding” and a wide smile.)

Possibilities: sorry you are confused Dad.

Sorry you felt left out Dad.

Sorry I didn’t ask permissionDad

etc…

In any uncomfortable silence jump up and restore the group’s function by saying “Oh Dad don’t be ridiculous! Or “don’t be awkward.”

My goal would be to be quite subtly rude in some way they can barely tolerate or describe.

@muggart I’d say I’m different to my brother & sister, they always said I was v independent, I was always out and yes naughty as a teen, I felt happier in other friends houses and often felt I didn’t quite fit in my family.

I’m curious to what everyone else makes of it…would they feel sorry for me/wonder why me etc

No advice really but lots of sympathy. I’m in a similar position, middle girl and also the most rebellious as a teenager and also not really conventional now in that my sisters are both married with children. I’m separated with one with ADHD and even his cousins notice how different grandparents are with him, blaming him for everything etc.

The worst part for me is that my dad is generally difficult but my mum is lovely to my sisters and awful to me. My theory is that I remind her of him and they have a terrible relationship. Weirdly he favoured me as a young child and I think she now tries to compensate even though now he’s harshest to me.

sorry turned into a rant but I do really feel for you as it’s tough and I know it’s hard to explain without people seeing the dynamics.

No idea re psychology but next time suggest you just make puzzled face and say "what was that?" as if you didn't hear, or "Really?" like wtf that's a juvenile/weird/ridiculous thing to say. Raise your eye brows continue to look puzzled and then go silent. Suspect a gentle calling out rather than an emotional response might be more powerful as a way to try and stop the behaviour. Good luck, don't let him get you down & you take back the power - it's only worth picking on someone (which is what it sounds like is happening) if it gets a response

@outcrops So sorry, you go through similar too, it’s so hurtful. I also notice the difference between my niece & nephew and my Dd, they speak a lot gentler to them than my Dd, I can see they adore her, but it’s different. They also haven’t babysat for us but did for years and years for my dsis

@HappyGoLuckyLuLu Thank you, I’m always worried that it will look like I’m the one being sensitive/taking things too seriously and ruining the holiday.
It’s also annoying as I’m a real people pleaser with them, whilst my sister isn’t-doesn’t make them food, even a cup of tea etc, but I’m the one who feels I never do enough/am good enough. I wonder sometimes if it’s because I moved away and they didn’t, then I wonder if it was subconsciously part of the reason why I did move away

@pikkumyy77 Yes, that’s exactly it, I don’t understand it at all and I wonder why he chooses to do it whilst they’re around.
Thank you so much for the tips, I need to address it somehow/protect myself getting upset

I'm not sure I can put my finger on the root of the problem in your case, but I would say from experience try to address it in a calm way because there is a chance it will end up exploding on you. It's the same in my family for me but I have a good idea why, mainly because I am the most "successful" one of the siblings, in that I'm the one with the good qualifications and who moved somewhere nice and am very financially secure, so out of some kind of reverse snobbery I get picked on. I usually just ignore it because I don't see my family that often and I want it to be nice.

It all went wrong last time I went to see them though, mainly because we'd been there a while and just spent too much time together and also a big drinks promotion at the local pub. I was driving but everyone else had too much to drink and the little digs just ended up going far too far, mainly because some of it ended up being directed at my kids, I got so upset that I finally said something, there was a big argument, which wasn't helped by everyone else being drunk, and now I haven't been back to see them in almost a year. I just think maybe if I'd said something before maybe things wouldn't have blown up like that, I know it's hard to know how to bring it up though.