It’s always me-am I the scapegoat of the family?

[Itwasahotonetoday]

Live abroad and family over at the moment-and again I’m noticing patterns and feeling hurt. Whenever we’re out in a group of us, parents and sister/brother, my dcs or sisters, my dad usually (sometimes mum, not as often though) will make a dig somehow and it’s always something directed at me in front of everyone. It’s never anything awful, but it’s noticeable and makes things awkward and everyone goes quiet. My sister will often defend me/say something in my support. It doesn’t really happen when just me and my parents, I also notice they speak to my sister in a more caring way, it’s hard to explain. I noticed it again today but also saw a couple of *Jokes sort of about my Dd and I draw the line there. My sister & brother and sisters kids are very introverted and quiet and don’t speak much really, I’m hardly loud myself and also quite quiet, but I chat more than them and Dd v outgoing..I just wonder why it’s always fair game to aim things at me/put me down in front of them?
I also don’t know how to react and end up getting quiet and just feeling shit

@DPotter Thank you 🙏 have just followed him

@Sallyh87 Thank you 🙏

@Tuliptimes Yes, I’ve wondered that myself, on the outside I am the most educated/successful of my siblings, but it doesn’t mean my life is perfect, in fact it’s far from it, they all live close to each other, I have a shit relationship now that they have no idea about (they love my Dh)
I’ve sometimes wondered if that’s why it’s in front of my brother and sister, but maybe that’s just me trying to make myself feel better and really I’m just the least favourite and the black sheep

@Tuliptimes I draw the line if it’s going to start happening to my Dd though, I’m not having that.
So sorry you had to go through that, what did you say to them and they to you? Were they aware they do it? Were they apologetic?

This is really helpful, thanks.

OP, it's the same for me. I've always been quiet and I've never been a "problem", but I'm always the scapegoat, treated badly, etc. I often wonder 'why me?' because I really don't understand it. I don't go out of my way to treat others badly. But they do it to me and they go about life as if nothing has happened. They get everything they want too. I just don't get it.

@spottyhotdog So sorry 😔 Is this with your family too? I feel mine has spread to the workplace before too, I don’t feel I’m able to assert myself (likely due to family dynamics and my lack of confidence probably shows) it’s very unfair as I’m a nice person and think of others and wouldn’t treat people this way

Well it really started with them talking about my Ds saying that he is too much of a joker and doesn’t know when to stop sometimes and they were getting irritated, not that he had said anything rude or inappropriate, just silly kid things. My DH’s family are big jokers so I’m guessing that’s how he expects to interact with grandparents and even actually connect with them. I can see if you’re not used to it it might be irritating and I always talk to him if if I feel like it’s a bit much but you would think grandparents who see their grandchildren very infrequently would be fairly tolerant of a bit of silly banter.

Obviously hearing your kid criticized is not going to bring out the best in any mother, especially when I didn’t feel he’d done anything truly wrong. Plus even if your grandkid is the most irritating kid in the world it’s not exactly appropriate for his grandparents, aunts, and uncles to be sitting slagging him off in a pub within his hearing. Meanwhile, my sister’s kids can do no wrong. Part of the reason he’s such a joker is he’s very sensitive underneath and I could see he was devastated. I was so angry I didn't say much but did make it very clear how I felt and we left. No apology the next day just that pretending nothing happened thing. I do speak to them on the phone in a fairly normal way but honestly can’t face going back to visit again. I am just not sure what I could really have done differently.

So after the experience I was just explaining above I’ve thought that a lot too. It’s hard when you genuinely feel like you are just being yourself, trying to get along with everyone and still you seem to be some kind of scapegoat. If it’s friends I guess you can move on but it’s harder to give up on family.