Niece

[bananarama80]

I am So annoyed with my niece who’s been sectioned Again, for the fourth time in a year, she’s been gone from her daughter 22 weeks now. She is a single mum and I know she struggles with her mental health and I try to understand this but the drinking and drugs she does on nights out don’t help this. There is pattern to being sectioned whenever it’s school holidays and when she has been out. I honestly don’t think she wants to be a parent. There is no one else in the family other than me; partner and our young adult children. No one tells us anything just get the usual obligatory call from social worker asking if we’re ok to look after child: we love the child and always have had an amazing bond since she was born, but we’re just left with no information and childcare to pay so we can still both work full time, which we need to do financially, can’t claim the 30 hours childcare as child doesn’t officially live with us - AIBU to feel angry and annoyed about this - sorry going on a bit / it’s upsetting also because used to have such a lovely relationship with niece before she binned her all her old friends off and got new ones a month or so before being sectioned the first time - as anyone taking their nieces child and how did it go having whole life turned upside down - thanks

She's not being sectioned through choice!

She's hardly helping herself either , drinking and taking drugs aren't exactly going to contribute to great mental health

It sounds like a massive cry for help. Shes clearly struggling and it’s only made worse during school holidays when she might be feeling overwhelmed.

I’d be contacting social services and asking about next steps. It’s great you can provide a safe place for the child but it’s a lot for your family. I’m not sure on the ins and outs of it all but hopefully social services can give more help/ advice to you.
What are the next steps for your niece too? Are her parents around? Does she live alone? It seems like she really needs someone to care for her.

I don’t excuse her behaviour but it sounds like the drinking and drug use is her temporary escape from life.

Could you apply to foster the child for their stability rather than just having them be passed back and forth on a regular basis?

Thanks everyone who has replied, sometimes I feel it is a choice though, she likes being in there. She was given the choice the last time to stay at home and get help in the community or go
Into hospital she chose the latter. She doesn't have her parents around she was brought up from a young age by my parents, unfortunately my dad has passed away and mum is getting on a bit. I do think the best way is to have the child ourselves and she has stability but how do we do this, niece won't consent her friend she has known for a few months is her advocate and no one will speak to me, we can't afford 700 a month for childcare it's like a second mortgage and can't afford to not work either - I don't know how much help she needs we have the child a lot and so does my mum ! Sorry had to reply this way - won't let me reply another way - I really appreciate any help and advice

It's a massive cry for health and the mental health really is underfunded and understaffed but she is just mediated, goes weeks without seeing a health care professional but that's another tale!

I try and help as much as I can but other than taking child 24/7 I don't know how much more I can do

AIBU to feel angry and annoyed about this

Yes YABVU she is clearly very ill, struggling with severe mental ill health and addiction.

This is an absolute tragedy for her and for her child.

That you think any of this is a choice demonstrates either a complete lack of understanding of mental ill health and addiction, or a lack of empathy on your part, or both.

Being angry at her is indulging yourself and you will achieve nothing from it. If you want to be angry, then be angry that she isn't getting the right support to get better.

Although I have sympathy for anyone with mental ill health, the drink and drugs really will be detrimental.
Only thing I can think of is to say to SW you will officially foster the child or he/she goes into foster care. You cannot be expected to come up with £700 childcare costs. Surely there must be provision to pay for nursery for looked after children?
Badger SS.

I'm likely going to get flamed here but i would tell ss you can't cope and they'll have to put your neices child into foster care. Best for the child, and yourselves, this is not your responsibility and might give your niece a kick up the arse as she knows at the moment you'll pick up the slack. Just my opinion tho, I'm 53 and my child rearing days are well and truly over plus I couldn't afford the expense. Sending hugs and good luck x

I had a breakdown in 2017. Being in my own head was the worst possible place and, if I’d been able to, I would have taken ANYTHING to get out of my head.

she’s not making a “conscious” choice to drink and take drugs but to get some respite from the absolutely terrible way she feels.

the fact that she’s being sectioned gives some insight into how terribly ill she is.

This sounds so hard and you have been an incredible safe person for the child. You now need support to continue that role and like others have said, social service need to step up and fund you appropriately, as a minimum they should be funding childcare and living expenses for the child. The little one would be able to access more support if this arrangement was formalised too.

sending good wishes to you. You are doing an incredible thing.

A Kinship Care or Special Guardians group may be able to help you.

I completely understand what you are saying and agree to an extent but she is ok to go to work, go out and drink but not look after her child so that to me is a choice.

Thank you I think I need to look into it more at the moment it's like being in limbo no one wants to help as nothing official

My days of child rearing are over too or so I thought but the thought of not seeing the little one and sending her to strangers breaks my heart xx

I'm sorry that happened to you and you got the help you needed

Thank you, if they could fund the childcare that would be a huge weight off our shoulders without help we simply can't afford it xx

Horrible situation. Can you tell SS unless you get help with childcare you'll have to put her into foster care ? I'm sure they'd rather she stayed with you.
It's outrageous you can't get any financial help.

I don’t think yabu as while it’s awful for your niece, her child and your family get thrown into turmoil, and I think it’s easy for people to say you are but I can’t imagine trying to help the kid grow into a happy, well adjusted child when she’s suddenly separated from her mum at no notice. Op I think as a family (ie including your family, dn, her advocate and mum)you need to talk about future plans for the child.

@bananarama80 you need to really lay it on the line with children's services that £700 for childcare periodically out of the blue is not something you can afford (foster care would be a lot more) Ask them what they suggest and what they are prepared to do, because this is unsupportable.

It might help to do yourself a timeline of when this has happened, for how long and what extra costs were incurred each time.

You are doing a good thing but few of us could magic that kind of money out of a hat as and when.

@romdowa but these things are inter-related. You're more likely to end up with an addiction if you suffer with your mental health. She's self medicating when things become unbearable rather than taking drugs to just party that she doesn't need or feel dependent on. So it's a vicious cycle rather than a conscious choice and incredibly hard to break.

Op yabu to be angry with her but I suspect really you're just hurting for her and her child and want better for both of them so at the same time it's just human.

There's bound to be a back story that noone of us are privy to and with good reason and I hope that she gets the help she needs and is able to turn things around. I've seen it done and I hope she's able to do it for herself and her wee one.

I would be inclined to ask for another meeting with the SW and ask for more info... it's important you have info in order to care effectively for her child when she's unable to. They also should be helping you navigate things like childcare etc.. are there any independent advocacy services for kinship carers in your area- I know we have one here? Perhaps they could give you a steer? Or you could raise a complaint with SS about the level of info you're getting and the lack of help to make this financially sustainable? Do they have a care plan in place long term that you fall into and how do they plan to make this work if you are their back up?

The care you're providing her wee one will set her up for the rest of her life.

The reality is the MH is likely what makes her drink and take drugs, people unconsciously self medicate. She isn't choosing this, because nobody would.

She sounds like she has had a hard start and history is likely to repeat unless serious interventions are put in place.

YAVBU to blame her. You are not unreasonable to feel the system is letting her and her daughter down.

@romdowa thank you for your help and advice I am hurting, it's extremely upsetting for everyone. I have spoken to a social worker for a five minute call each time she has been admitted who says she won't consent to tell me anything and her reason for calling is to make sure the little one is looked after and am I able to, well the last time child was already with me as mum had left through the night. They have contacted the nursery who said they were no concerns and that is that. I haven't been told any plans of care any package of care in place or anything, this time it's a section 2 so 28 days but I suspect it will be redone to the next one up to 6 months like previously. I think if it's been extended when 28 day a up in a couple of weeks I will ask and insist in having a proper conversation about it. I just feel like I'm left in the cold not knowing what's happening but expected to navigate it on my own

Sorry keep tagging wrong people I can't just do a reply without a quote / I'm pants at this

Thank you, it's very hard, we have done what we can and the child is happy enough with us and settled really well but spent a lot of time with us anyway thankfully. Niece won't speak to me unless it relating to the child, the ward won't speak to me as she won't consent and her advocate won't talk to me either as niece has not consented. I am her NOK but that doesn't make a difference. My family are more than happy to have the little one with us we just need to workout how we can afford it; I'm not bothered about anything else just the childcare fees which are so expensive