To end the friendship over this?

[friendshipover24]

NC for this post as could be outing!

I’ve known my “best friend” for 10 years. We lived together for 5 years at university, which worked out quite well. We never really argued (1 big argument in all of that time), but even then there were long periods where she would disappear when she got a new boyfriend. The problem was that there were many new boyfriends & she just expected me to accept them & be friendly to them without really knowing them, which I was. I accepted her for who she is because despite this, she was a good friend to me when she was present.

This behaviour has continued since we left university and she is only really interested in speaking to me when she has a problem. I have accepted that we are not the types of friends who need to talk very often, which is fine.

My main issue now is that I am pregnant, which I told her about in December & I had not heard from her for 4 months. I have had miscarriages previously & as a “best friend” I would have expected her to be interested in how I’m doing, or how the pregnancy is going.
In those 4 months, I tried 3 times to get into contact with her to no avail. We have each other’s locations so I could see that she has been on various trips abroad, nothing to suggest that she isn’t okay. Then all of a sudden she texted me a couple of days ago saying that she loves and misses me and would like to come and visit me with her new partner. This message has infuriated me. There was no apology & she didn’t ask how I’m doing. I feel as though I don’t really need her in my life anymore as I have gone through an extremely difficult 4 months without any support from her & I am asking myself what I really gain from the friendship.

AIBU to not be interested in a friendship with her over this?
would be very grateful for any advice.

She isn’t a friend op! She’s a user.
I wouldn’t fall out with her but don’t rush to meet the new man and pretend nothing has happened. Send a nice message back saying ‘great to hear from you. I’ve a lot on at the moment but I’ll be in touch’. Then leave her be for a while.

"Got too much going on right now to accommodate a visit just at the moment. Maybe some other time."

This 100%

People have different expectations of friendships; you are not compatible with your friend, because you expect her to be more of a constant presence in your life whereas she likes to flit in and out. I'd steer clear of dramatic "ending the friendship" actions, because that will upset both of you and not achieve anything. You don't want to see her right now, so just say you're too busy for now and see how you feel in a year. You'll make new mum friends when the baby comes, and be so caught up in it that the friendship might change at that stage anyway.

I would reply with something along the lines of “hi, lovely to hear from you. I’ve been trying to reach you. I’ve had a really tough time these past 4 months and I’m not upto meeting anyone new at the moment. How are you?”

For me, this would give me the opportunity to see how supportive she really is. Will she rally around, apologise for being so absent and make the time to see you and be there for you?
or, will she just want to talk about herself and her life with her new man, with no regard for what you’ve been through recently.

send this message and pay attention to how she responds. That will tell you what kind of a friend she really is

I think if you don’t want to see her then don’t.

This is a good idea.

Also stop sharing your location with her - why do you need that?

I have the same problem with a friend, and I got recently pregnant, so I know how sad and frustrating it is. You really want to have the support from your people and they just seem to be so busy with their life.
To be honest, I have tried to analyse this soooo many times, but I don't know if they are just like that, if people is just busy with their life to the point of forgetting about their friends, or if I'm horrible picking friends, I don't know, but it's the way it is, if you don't text them, it seems like they will forget that you exist until they have a problem and need to vent.
Saddest part is that I am not like that, I always put effort into keeping relationships alive, and keeping contact with people, but it's just so much effort to be always thebone putting all the effort xD

I love a friendship that is low maintenance, where we can sometimes go months without contact, but everything is still the same when we do see each other again. My best friends of over thirty years are both friendships like that. When people are at different stages in life, I am the first to advice people not to be too quick to ditch what has been a great friendship because it may well be again.

But honestly, I would struggle with this. While we can go a long time between contact (due to location, pre-internet it has at times been years rather than months), when one of us gets in touch, the other responds - sometimes it's straight away, other times it might take a day or two, but we always respond.

I wouldn't be jumping at the chance to meet the new man in her life. I would keep her at arms length for a while, at least until you are feeling yourself again after having your new baby, and then take it from there. See how you feel then. And see how much interest she shows when she hears that you've had your baby. She might not be interested in babies and children (imo that's total ok, not everyone is), but she should want to know how you are getting on after such a big moment in your life.

Good luck op, with the pregnancy and with the 'friendship'.

It’s quite normal for childless friends not to be interested in new pregnancies , apart from an initial congratulations. It’s important to you, but not to her (congrats by the way). But no contact, nut even a text?

You don’t need permission to end a friendship. Do yo want to end it , or just be less available. Maybe reply, and say that yoy’d love to catch up, but without bf as you haven’t seen her for ages.

I have a similar situation and I've come to the realisation that our friendship - or at least the emotions I attached to it - has simply run its course. It's been 30+ years in my case and although not a pregnancy (she wasn't that interested in those either looking back) I'm at a point in my life where I've really needed her friendship and for her to be present for it. And she knows that, as I'm sure your friend does, so not being there is a choice she has made.

Same here, and as soon as she met her new partner, I hear from her once every 6 months or so and where it used to be enough for me, it isn't now that my circumstances have changed. So after much brain churning, I can see that's it's my issue. She is the same friend she has always been - I can't expect her to be something she's not just because my needs are different.

So I'm dialling it down and simply focussing on the friends who make me feel happy. There's no big argument to be had.

This is such an exciting time for you! Try to focus on who IS showing up for you (it's not always easy!) and as previous posters have said, you will meet so many new people through the course of motherhood and once your child is here, your thoughts & energies will naturally go elsewhere - somewhere much nicer than an emotionally absent friend 🩷

I personally wouldn't expect a friend to support me through early pregnancy - that is your partner's job. A couple of 'how are you' texts would have been nice though. I don't think people really understand how painful early miscarriages can be unless they have experienced a loss themselves.

I would just say you're not feeling up to hosting visitors but that you'll catch up another time.

I really like this.

Is that true? I'm childless but have friends with kids. I obviously wasn't able to compare pregnancy experiences with pregnant friends but I certainly had an interest in their well-being enough to check in during their pregnancy. Same as how I always ask how the kids are doing and what they're up to (even when they've been little and frankly quite dull from an outsiders perspective!). What's important to my friends are important to me because I want them to be happy.

And I don't think I'm some rare unique creature, so OP I would say your "friend" doesn't sound lie much of a friend anyway!

@EnterFunnyNameHere You’re a better friend then most!

I agree with a PP that no dramatic "friendship ending" action is needed, but dial down your expectations - stop thinking of her as a 'best friend', sharing your location with her and stuff like that. See her as someone you might have pleasant, occasional contact with - if that's possible. It doesn't sound as if she's really in tune with you at the moment.

To support another PP @EnterFunnyNameHere I'm also child-free and take plenty of interest (I hope!) in friends' pregnancies and children. I guess it's not always easy (whether you have children or not) to know how much checking-in or support a friend needs at any given time - there's scope for a bit of misjudgement but it's how you respond when you discover you ARE needed that's important.

I don't think you're unreasonable. This isn't a friendship, is it? It's her using you. She's never there for you and actions speak louder than words.

It's also a bloody cheek for her to invite herself to your house. She should be inviting you!

It’s hard ending friendships and losing friends. You always think that best friends will be there for - ever! The reality is friendships come and go, you outgrow them - and that’s completely fine.

In your case OP, I wouldn’t accommodate her - some of the earlier suggestions from pp were good.

I think it’s really difficult when you don’t get support at difficult times. And by ‘support’ I just mean someone making contact, asking how you’re doing, not difficult. What I have learned is that you can’t force someone to do this. It comes naturally if you care about someone. Send a quick text to say ‘hi, I’ve got lots going on as I’m sure you can imagine. Hope you’re well. I’ll let you know when suits’. And then focus on yourself. It’s not dramatic or drastic, low key and then you can see how you feel down the line.

@friendshipover24

Then all of a sudden she texted me a couple of days ago saying that she loves and misses me and would like to come and visit me with her new partner.

Do you live in a lovely touristy area, OP where people can come and use your home as a base? Plus she and her boyfriend get accommodation and meals at your expense whilst they're in your home? Maybe it's the cynic in me but I'm wondering about this sudden expression of love she's sending your way after ignoring you. 🌹

She’s no friend.

How long has she been with the latest in her long line of partners? My guess is that they’ve had their full-on “No one else matters” phase and she’s ready for some different company again, but is still at early enough a stage to want to show him off. I’m guessing you see a lot more of her when there’s no man in the picture?

I'd probably tell her I’m not really up to guests at the moment as “I tire easily now I’m pregnant” or similar. Maybe she’ll be understanding - but my guess is it will be somewhere between gentle “Awwh, come on; you can’t be THAT tired this early on” cajoling and outright huffiness that you’re not available to suit her schedule. I’d use her reaction as a gauge.

You've had some great advice here to gently pushback, implement boundaries and still remain in contact with your friend. After a period of time with new Mums, babies and toddlers you may find yourself thinking about your 'old life' and it could be lovely to reminisce with someone who knows your history. You could have that brilliant laugh with her at a time when you could really do with it x

Sending hugs OP - had a similar friendship of 10 years go this way. We met at uni and were very close, but she would also disappear after meeting a new boyfriend and then come back when it didn't work. She always used to leave my messages unread for months before replying. She worked as a teacher and would only reply during the summer holidays - I know teachers are busy but that's defo not normal! There were times where I really needed her and she just wasn't there. Anyway, I got tired of always being the one to reach out and waiting months for a reply so I eventually just stopped texting and now the friendship has fizzled out. It hurt like the end of a romantic relationship a bit.

Sometimes you just have to walk away but leave the door open for future contact so they can reach out, but it's a her problem, not a you-problem.

God she's awful. I would have it out with her then end the friendship. Who needs people like that in their lives?