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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end the friendship over this?

47 replies

friendshipover24 · 15/04/2024 05:21

NC for this post as could be outing!

I’ve known my “best friend” for 10 years. We lived together for 5 years at university, which worked out quite well. We never really argued (1 big argument in all of that time), but even then there were long periods where she would disappear when she got a new boyfriend. The problem was that there were many new boyfriends & she just expected me to accept them & be friendly to them without really knowing them, which I was. I accepted her for who she is because despite this, she was a good friend to me when she was present.

This behaviour has continued since we left university and she is only really interested in speaking to me when she has a problem. I have accepted that we are not the types of friends who need to talk very often, which is fine.

My main issue now is that I am pregnant, which I told her about in December & I had not heard from her for 4 months. I have had miscarriages previously & as a “best friend” I would have expected her to be interested in how I’m doing, or how the pregnancy is going.
In those 4 months, I tried 3 times to get into contact with her to no avail. We have each other’s locations so I could see that she has been on various trips abroad, nothing to suggest that she isn’t okay. Then all of a sudden she texted me a couple of days ago saying that she loves and misses me and would like to come and visit me with her new partner. This message has infuriated me. There was no apology & she didn’t ask how I’m doing. I feel as though I don’t really need her in my life anymore as I have gone through an extremely difficult 4 months without any support from her & I am asking myself what I really gain from the friendship.

AIBU to not be interested in a friendship with her over this?
would be very grateful for any advice.

OP posts:
Alwaysalwayscold · 15/04/2024 09:17

"No Emily tbh I've got just about as much interest in meeting your new partner as you've had in meeting up with me."

coconutpie · 15/04/2024 09:21

Alwaysalwayscold · 15/04/2024 09:17

"No Emily tbh I've got just about as much interest in meeting your new partner as you've had in meeting up with me."

This is a perfect response.

Also, stop sharing your location with her!

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 15/04/2024 09:21

Who's this? Haha

Wishimaywishimight · 15/04/2024 09:24

She's absolutely not a "best friend", she's barely a friend. I would be inclined to keep in contact when it suits you (much as she does) or, if you really don't need or want the friendship any more, just let contact drift until neither of you bother any more.

It doesn't sound like a friendship you will miss at all.

Hurryuphumphreygeorgeiswaiting · 15/04/2024 10:27

Congratulations on your pregnancy OP. Get rid of your friend.

I was in the same situation many years ago with a friend. I finally had enough when I was pregnant with my first dc. 17 years ago. Best decision I made.

We were best friends from primary school. When she met her first boyfriend at 18 and not once did we meet up. I phoned but she was always busy with her new guy so the friendship frizzle out. I bumped into her 7 years later and she told me she was recently single. We kept in touch and started going out again but looking back she was using me. We went on holiday abroad and on our first night she met a guy and spent most of our holiday with him and we were away for 14 days. At the time I thought, more fool me and luckily made friends with a couple of people in out hotel. I should of ended the friendship but we carried on once home. She visited him in Scotland but then he finished their holiday romance once home.
Our friendship carried on and it was always the same pattern with men. I met my DH, married. We always included her but I never heard from her when she met her latest boyfriend but she would get intouch once the relationship had ended. She was a self centred, selfish woman and she was hard work. I kept making excuses but I just had enough. She wasn't a friend. I had a few very good friends around me and looking back the situation wasn't normal. I am in my fifties and would of told my younger self to end the friendship sooner but I was far to nice st the time.

OrigamiOwls · 15/04/2024 10:33

She's not your "best friend". She's barely even a friend.
Stop location sharing with her.

Snowfalling · 15/04/2024 11:19

her saying 'I love you and miss you ' is almost funny. Where has all the love and missing been all these months? She hasn't even asked how you are. how long does it take to send a text message? 20 seconds?

DrJoanAllenby · 15/04/2024 11:25

I have old friends who we both pick up where we left off after months or even years and as we were friends before mobile phones and emails etc it is of no importance to receive texts and emails etc.

The digital age has made everyone anxious about being in contact all of the time.

You are settled and pregnant. She is still wafting around and meeting new people, of course she is t remotely interested in your pregnancy and probably doesn't have any comprehension of morning sickness etc or perhaps just doesn't want to know.

She's a fair weather friend most likely.

UltraLineHolder · 15/04/2024 11:30

HaveSomeIntrospect · 15/04/2024 05:43

I would reply with something along the lines of “hi, lovely to hear from you. I’ve been trying to reach you. I’ve had a really tough time these past 4 months and I’m not upto meeting anyone new at the moment. How are you?”

For me, this would give me the opportunity to see how supportive she really is. Will she rally around, apologise for being so absent and make the time to see you and be there for you?
or, will she just want to talk about herself and her life with her new man, with no regard for what you’ve been through recently.

send this message and pay attention to how she responds. That will tell you what kind of a friend she really is

Edited

This is good advice..
Saying that you've felt a bit down about her not responding to your attempts to contact her.. and that you're trying to be around people that are positively supporting you thru your pregnancy is something you need right now..

I was also wondering if she suddenly wants to meet you with the new bf because she's trying to show him that she's lots of friends? To make herself look popular and loved.

Tiredsendmum · 15/04/2024 11:32

I have a friendship where we can not speak to each other in months and then pick up as though we were in touch yesterday. We are both neurodiverse though. and I will say if I messaged her that I was having a bad time or vice versa we would reply same day.

Haydenn · 15/04/2024 11:36

I wonder if you live somewhere quite touristy and she likes to use you as accommodation? I’d bin this one OP, she sounds like a user and a drain- not a real friend at all

HanaJane · 15/04/2024 11:54

She maybe isn't meaning to be rude but just a flaky sort of person, she might be saving catching up on how you are until you're together in person?
Either way if you don't feel like seeing her right now just say no you're not feeling up to it right now and maybe she'll get the hint

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 15/04/2024 12:00

It’s not an all or nothing; meet the new partner or never see her again. Just tell her you are concentrating on the pregnancy for now and are not up to meeting someone new. She has not wronged you. You don’t need to banish her forever. Just consign her to the category of friends you will meet if it’s convenient. There does not need to a drama over “ending the friendship”. I wish you well in your pregnancy.

VictoriaEra · 15/04/2024 12:06

HaveSomeIntrospect · 15/04/2024 05:43

I would reply with something along the lines of “hi, lovely to hear from you. I’ve been trying to reach you. I’ve had a really tough time these past 4 months and I’m not upto meeting anyone new at the moment. How are you?”

For me, this would give me the opportunity to see how supportive she really is. Will she rally around, apologise for being so absent and make the time to see you and be there for you?
or, will she just want to talk about herself and her life with her new man, with no regard for what you’ve been through recently.

send this message and pay attention to how she responds. That will tell you what kind of a friend she really is

Edited

Absolutely this

Bobbotgegrinch · 15/04/2024 12:35

friendshipover24 · 15/04/2024 05:21

NC for this post as could be outing!

I’ve known my “best friend” for 10 years. We lived together for 5 years at university, which worked out quite well. We never really argued (1 big argument in all of that time), but even then there were long periods where she would disappear when she got a new boyfriend. The problem was that there were many new boyfriends & she just expected me to accept them & be friendly to them without really knowing them, which I was. I accepted her for who she is because despite this, she was a good friend to me when she was present.

This behaviour has continued since we left university and she is only really interested in speaking to me when she has a problem. I have accepted that we are not the types of friends who need to talk very often, which is fine.

My main issue now is that I am pregnant, which I told her about in December & I had not heard from her for 4 months. I have had miscarriages previously & as a “best friend” I would have expected her to be interested in how I’m doing, or how the pregnancy is going.
In those 4 months, I tried 3 times to get into contact with her to no avail. We have each other’s locations so I could see that she has been on various trips abroad, nothing to suggest that she isn’t okay. Then all of a sudden she texted me a couple of days ago saying that she loves and misses me and would like to come and visit me with her new partner. This message has infuriated me. There was no apology & she didn’t ask how I’m doing. I feel as though I don’t really need her in my life anymore as I have gone through an extremely difficult 4 months without any support from her & I am asking myself what I really gain from the friendship.

AIBU to not be interested in a friendship with her over this?
would be very grateful for any advice.

Why do you think you're "best friends". It sounds like you're old housemates who keep in touch occasionally. In which case her behaviour sounds fine. It's only when you apply the "best friends" label to it that it seems off, so where is that label coming from?

Dollenganger333 · 15/04/2024 12:38

Why do you think you're "best friends". It sounds like you're old housemates who keep in touch occasionally. In which case her behaviour sounds fine. It's only when you apply the "best friends" label to it that it seems off, so where is that label coming from?

Is it 'fine' to use someone as a B&B when it suits you? After ignoring them previously?

GingerIsBest · 15/04/2024 14:08

I think your expectations are out of whack with hers and it's okay for you to feel that isn't enough for you but it's also okay for her not to want more. I have plenty of friends who I have little to no contact with but who if they texted to say they were in town I'd jump at the chance to meet up. But you want more than that. And youv'e made that clear by the fact that you've reached out a few times. And she clearly does not want more than that which she has made clear by the fact that she hasn't even bothered to reply to those messages.

So I think one of the friendly but casual suggestions on here to decline her suggestion is the way forward.

Original poster
friendshipover24 · 15/04/2024 20:12

Thank you all for taking the time to respond, I have read all the responses. Thanks for all the congratulations on the pregnancy.

I agree that there doesn’t need to be a dramatic end of friendship conversation, will message as @HaveSomeIntrospect suggested and see how she responds.

The label of “best friend” came from her, she even refers to us as sisters, which is why I have higher expectations of her than I would of a random housemate. We were very close… at times.

And to answer another question, I do in fact live very close to a lovely touristy area, which appears to explains a lot. She has been with this new partner for around 9 months.

… I too have been the child-free friend & have always shown an interest in my friends’ pregnancies and also always ask how their kids are doing.

OP posts:
Harara · 15/04/2024 20:23

Have you told her in the past that her behaviour when she has new partners bothers you, and given her an opportunity to address it? I’m not a fan of expecting people to mind-read. If you haven’t communicated it, she may just not realise that it bothers you.

HaveSomeIntrospect · 22/04/2024 16:41

@friendshipover24 how did it go with your friend? Xx

BMW6 · 22/04/2024 16:51

And to answer another question, I do in fact live very close to a lovely touristy area, which appears to explains a lot. She has been with this new partner for around 9 months.

Well there you have it. She's looking for a cheap holiday with her bf. You'll be the 3rd wheel in your own home.

I wouldn't bother replying at all.

Newestname002 · 23/04/2024 06:45

@friendshipover24

We have each other’s locations so I could see that she has been on various trips abroad, nothing to suggest that she isn’t okay.

Hope you are doing well OP. Also that you've changed your settings so your "friend" can't see your locations any more. 🌹

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