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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so scared about becoming a parent

38 replies

Greycap · 14/04/2024 19:54

Should start by saying I’m nearly 39 weeks pregnant so know that there’s only one way forward with this!

DC1 is almost due, this was a much planned and wanted baby, especially as it took DH and I a year ttc. Practically we have everything ready, we are financially secure, own home, married etc, everything sorted on paper. I’m not particularly worried about actually giving birth as I tend to just go with the flow on these situations.

But I’m absolutely shit scared about having a baby to look after! I think it’s starting to dawn on me what a huge adjustment it’s going to be in our lives but also that I’m about to be responsible for another human being, forever. There seems to be so much information and advice to take in as well which I just find overwhelming. DH and I don’t have a lot of hands on experience with babies, DH has more than me, and I can’t even imagine that first night alone with a baby in hospital let alone the rest of my life.

Lots of people I know and see who are 35+ weeks just can’t wait for their baby to be born but I want to keep him inside as I know he’s safe there, as daft as it sounds.

AIBU feeling like this? I then feel awful that it means I don’t want the baby which isn’t at all true. Did anyone else feel completely scared and it turned out ok for them?

OP posts:

Alphabetsouplover · 14/04/2024 19:57

YANBU, and I’d like to reassure you but the adjusting never seems to end, I must admit I do really miss life before having a child, and some people never stop feeling that way

namedilemma45 · 14/04/2024 20:01

You said yourself you go with the flow so just do that with the baby. Hormones are messing with you and exhaustion at the moment too. Just go with it because once you hold your baby in your arms it's a feeling like no other

Original poster

Greycap · 14/04/2024 20:01

Oh dear that’s not quite the reassurance I was looking for 😂 but thank you for being honest

OP posts:

fedupandstuck · 14/04/2024 20:02

I think it's really quite normal to feel that way. I certainly did with my first, although he then went overdue and I was so fed up with getting bigger and bigger that I became very keen for him to arrive!

I remember when we got home and put DS down in the living room in the car seat carrier, me and DP looked at each other and said "what do we do now?!". But of course you're then straight into the feeding, winding, sleeping, changing cycle and you don't have a chance to think "what now?".

Comedycook · 14/04/2024 20:03

Just remind yourself there's 7 billion people on the planet....so it can't be that hard!

Moneybum · 14/04/2024 20:04

I felt overwhelmed by how much there was to know and was petrified at the idea of messing them up… 2 kids in now and I would say - trust your instincts. You will know what to do, and try not to fall down too many Google rabbit holes 🙂 take the pressure off yourself already and aim for good enough, not perfect. You just need to love them and I have no doubt you will.

it’s hard to wait for them to arrive but you will be blown away soon by it all. Congrats xx

usernamedifferent · 14/04/2024 20:04

I felt similar with my first. Very much wanted, needed help to conceive etc and then started panicking towards the end of pregnancy. It is daunting and scary but once baby is here you will just get on with it. Do you have a lot of support ? My mum was amazing at helping me practically with the baby but also with my MH. I had moments when he wouldn’t stop crying of saying to my husband “I want to send him back”, which was obviously ridiculous but I used to panic. Lots of help and support. He’s now nearly 18 😂

VivaVivaa · 14/04/2024 20:15

I actually think it’s good you feel like this. I was full of (blind) confidence that, because I’m a capable person, I wouldn’t struggle with having a newborn.

Needless to say it hit me like a ton of bricks. I struggled massively.

It’s better to not be blind to the realities of having a baby, warts and all.

Dont worry about all the advice. My advice would be, follow your instinct and, when that runs out, ask on mumsnet 😂

Good luck x

TheCosyRain · 14/04/2024 20:17

You’ve described exactly the way I felt when I was pregnant. Everyone kept asking if I was excited and I was just scared.

My baby was long tried for and wanted and we went the IVF route. Everyone scared us with their tales of how hard having a baby is.

I had a planned c-section. Our first night home was weird and surreal and due to discomfort caused by the surgery I didn’t sleep for 3 days. However I was so full of adrenaline and so focused with “getting on with it” that I just did everything. Didn’t wake DP if she needed anything, I just dealt with it. I was sleep deprived getting up and down off the floor with my baby one handed after major surgery.

Well you know what? Once I let my mind relax, it wasn’t so bad. In fact I didn’t find having a baby all that hard at all. But she has always been a pretty good sleeper which is a major plus point.

She is now 17 months all and she is definitely the best decision we ever made. So sweet and loving and clever and funny. What I’ve found hard about being a mother is probably the things you just have to do every day, like making sure she is offered a varied diet and we get out and do stuff. But despite feeling like I might resent that, I don’t. Yes it can be dull but I don’t really think about that. You just get on with it.

The baby phase is so so short and although there will be challenging times ahead, every stage is temporary and ever changing.

snorlax99 · 14/04/2024 20:17

It's terrifying at the start, but it is fine quite quickly after. It is amazing how fast you adapt. When DH went home and I was on my own with the baby in the hospital I was scared but equally so tired from labour I did actually manage to sleep (a bit). The most overwhelming bit for me was when we got home. We got through the door and into the living room and put DS in the middle of the floor in his car seat...I looked at him for a few seconds and burst into tears. I felt so out of my depth and just had no idea where to start. But I've got a thriving, happy almost 2 year old now so I must be doing something right 😂

Honestly, just take each day as it comes. Sorry if that doesn't seem reassuring, I don't want to scaremonger, but I try to be honest as when I had my son I thought there was something wrong with me that I was scared and overwhelmed, and found the few people who were honest about it actually not being all sunshine and daisies the most reassuring. If you're a go with the flow type, don't worry about all the advice etc just smile and nod until something specific crops up you feel you need help with then see what advice is out there. You'll be googling and on mumsnet at 2am at some point looking for the answers, but don't feel alone in that, we've all been there. No one will know your baby like you and that gives you the confidence you need.

ButterflySkies · 14/04/2024 20:18

Absolutely normal lovely - I felt like that with my first then went over due and couldnt wait to give birth...! Then I remember wanting only to be pregnant again when she was born, so I could keep her safe inside. Fast forward 3 years and she is the light of my life. It's an adjustment - there's no getting round it - but go with the flow, keep the approach you've got now and go with your gut/instinct. X

Riverlee · 14/04/2024 20:19

I think that’s a very natural reaction to have, a bit like pre-holiday nerves. You won’t get it right all the time , no-one does, and what may have worked for your mother, neighbour or best friend, may not work for you. Believe it or not, everyone is muddling their way through, whatever appearance they may be giving.

Starsnspikes · 14/04/2024 20:22

I felt exactly the same way, quite enjoyed being pregnant and wanted the baby to stay in!

But was literally just saying to my DH how incredible our little girl is and how lucky we are to have her, and how I just had no idea when I was pregnant how lucky I was going to be to have her in my life. I'm still me, still have my identity and don't feel like a 'mum'. The difference is that I have this amazing little best friend (she's 2 now) that I get to do life with, and it is a million times better than I ever thought it could be.

If I could go back and tell my pregnant self what it's like, I'd tell her not to worry because it's going to be wonderful. Hard as fuck and I'm glad she's in bed for the night now lol. But still just beautiful beyond anything I could have comprehended before I had her.

saoirse31 · 14/04/2024 20:24

The very fact that you're worrying about being a good parent pretty much means you'll be a good parent. No one knows how easy or hard they'll find it because people and babies are different. And they, babies, change and grow as do parents. Totally going on my experience it'll be brilliant and amazing a lot of the time, sometimes there'll be worries, some big, there'll be times when it's virtually impossible to see the right option, and there'll be times of great happiness. It'll be probably the most important experience of you and your partner's lives, enjoy.

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 14/04/2024 20:27

The penny dropping once you get home and put baby in car seat on floor in middle of living room seems a near universal experience 😂

anonhop · 14/04/2024 20:43

My mum always says she couldn't believe when the midwife said "you can go home now" because she thought, "you can't just hand me a baby & send me on my way - what do I do with it?!"

But, like pretty much all women throughout history, she worked it out!!

If you have family/close friends who have had babies (even a while ago) on call to ask questions etc, it'll be fine! You don't do all the adjusting on day 1.

In the newborn stage, just keep them fed & clean (and yourself sane). Then, you slowly over the months & years add in milestones, talking, schools, emotions, discipline etc!! It isn't all at once.

Hope you're able to take it 1 day at a time & enjoy your sweet baby x

HollyKnight · 14/04/2024 20:53

You just get on with it. I think the hardest part is when you realise that none of it is actually about you adding a baby to your life, but rather you're giving up your life as you knew it for this baby. It's a massive adjustment seeing life go from it being about "me" to it being about "them".

Han1978 · 14/04/2024 21:04

YANBU it’s a huge adjustment. I was scared before my first but you learn fast! As others have said get help when you can- in a whijj look e you won’t be able to imagine your life without them x

StarbucksQueen1 · 14/04/2024 21:08

It’s overwhelming, terrifying and unpredictable but ALSO the best thing I have ever done!! No job compares!
You will feel like you’ve got no idea what you are doing but you sound very organised and prepared… most of us are just winging it!! Five years on and he’s my best friend who I love more and more by the day!

You’ll be fine I promise! No one has a clue what they are doing.

mumonthehill · 14/04/2024 21:13

My dm always remembers bringing me home and having a sudden and shocking realisation that she now actually had a real life baby!! I think we all have one of those moments. Yes there will be tough moments but honestly it is absolutely marvellous and magical. Relax into it, take support and enjoy.

XFiler · 14/04/2024 21:16

I felt the same, I think it’s pretty standard to feel like this but it will be ok, you’ll be fine op 😊

Whitewatergrafting · 14/04/2024 21:17

YANBU it will change your life and your outlook in ways you never knew possible. Be prepared that it will also test your marriage to the max. But honestly being a mother is the best thing I've ever done.

BurbageBrook · 14/04/2024 21:21

I heard so much negativity when I was pregnant but I bloody love being a mum now to my 8 m/o. We just have so much fun and she's amazing. Honestly OP, it's good that you're scared as your expectations are low and everything else will be a bonus! But I genuinely have loved it since about 4-6 weeks old. It might be totally totally fine! It's a HUGE life change for anyone though and I think it would be weird not to be scared

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 14/04/2024 21:25

I was taught how to hold a baby literally 2 weeks before my due date by a friend who happened to have been due a few weeks before me 😂.

It's a huge change. Some miss how life was, I personally can't imagine life before him existed. I was ready for the change if that makes sense? Some people really don't like newborn stage, some love and you'll see which you are.

I knew nothing but you learn very very quickly. Main advice is how many little folds they have you need to clean! We called it armpit, hand a toe cheese 😂 you really will manage!

Titsywoo · 14/04/2024 21:29

Really don't worry you will be fine! I've loved being a parent. It has been the most wonderful thing in my life. The first night we bought DD home I had no idea what to do. I didn't realise I had to feed her if she didn't cry and she slept so much I just waited and she ended up jaundiced and in hospital! This makes me sound hugely neglectful but once I figured breastfeeding out I did it for 2 years My kids are now 17 and 19 and thriving. Try not to overthink it. You'll figure it out between you and your partner.

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