To think this is really daft re DH & gift?

[Bouncycastleinthesky]

DH & I are meeting his side of the family this weekend.SIL (DH’s younger sister) and her partner recently bought a place, naturally I suggested buying them something as a congratulations (nothing massive, even just a bottle of bubbly or a nice candle). DH is saying no as SIL & BIL who earn more than us didn’t get us anything when we bought our place recently. AIBU to thing so what and who cares? I pressed DH further as I wanted to understand why he’s bothered and he said SIL has form for this and being spoiled/not paying way etc etc. I said fine whatever I’ll get something myself to give to them and he said he’d not be going if that was the case as he feels so strongly about it. Should I just stay out of it? The thing is I don’t want to look like the tight sod who didn’t buy a gift, I guess I care about what people think of me and also I think it’s not an expensive gift anyway so I couldn’t get worked up about it. DH obviously feels otherwise!

Compromise and spend £10 on two bunches of tulips?

Your DH is being petty. I get that it's his sibling, not yours, but I agree with you. You could sell it to your DH as teaching his DS that this is how reasonable people behave.

I'd stay out of it. Leave DH to sort presents (or not) for his family

I think you should respect his feeling as it’s his side of the family. There is clearly strong history on the point. I have a friend who never gives despite receiving and so I give nothing to her now and feel quite strongly about it, our relationship is fine and we are good friends but I would be pissed if my partner went over my head on it.

Even if I were being a bit petty I’d expect DH to back me up tbh. But we leave each other to decide things about each others families.

How would you feel if you made a decision about how to handle your sister and he decided to completely ignore your feelings?

Take a bunch of flowers or a bottle of wine so you don’t arrive empty handed.

They didn’t get you anything so that’s their norm. Support your DH.

I would usually think the same as you, but DW has a very good memory for people who don't buy gifts (assuming they can afford it) and wouldn't buy them one in the same circumstance.

Its quite draining to be honest, but if its her family I let it go, but if its mine I would just buy a token something.

I try not to let other peoples behaviour change my way of being, so left to me I’d buy a token gift.

Seems very petty, but as he feels strongly about it, and it is his side of the family, I would stay out of it, and no, not get them something when he has specifically said he doesn't want to.

Are you going to their house?

Surely, in any circumstance, you wouldn't turn up empty handed anyway? So just get a bunch of flowers and a bottle of bubbly and tell DH it's just the normal gift when you'd go to someone's house.

If he is the kind that would turn up empty handed anyway, I'd probably not be with him!

I think you buying a gift is undermining him in the way he wants to manage his relationship with his sister, so I think you should support his stance, even though you think he’s being petty.

He has got a point about her not buying him a house-warming present, hasn’t he? It may not be that she’s spoiled (his interpretation) - it may just be that she isn’t a fan of giving gifts for every life event.

DH is saying no as SIL & BIL who earn more than us didn’t get us anything when we bought our place recently. AIBU to thing so what and who cares?

I agree with him. Not from a point of view of getting back at them, or doing it as a tit for tat "you didn't get us anything so we aren't getting you anything!!" point of view. But because it seems like in his family, there is a precedent for not buying gifts for a new house, so it's fine to stick with that. I've never bought my siblings a house warming present, and they've never bought me one. None of us mind at all as it's just not something we do in the family.

SIL & BIL who earn more than us didn't get us anything when we bought our place recently.

YABU.

They didn't bother to get you anything so why are you going out your way to get something for them, especially when your DH is so against it? It sounds like he's got valid reasons.

You say " The thing is I don’t want to look like the tight sod who didn’t buy a gift" but they didn't mind doing exactly that so I'm not sure why you would?

My DP's family is the same. I didn't listen at first and though I don't give to receive. But years down the line, the resentment has started to build up. So I stopped and wish I had done so sooner. His family really do give NOTHING to each other. Nothing. They're so fucking tight for no reason. LISTEN to your man. It's his family, he knows them better than you.

We are the same, it isn't tightness. None of us particularly want to shop, we definitely don't want stuff for the sake of it. We don't see the point of giving each other lists, so we no longer exchange presents. Like you, a former partner's family member used to buy me something every year, but I wasn't going to be bullied into exchanging gifts.

I'd pick my battles and go with what he wants as its his family. I'd feel the same way as you, but I'd understand this is his family and what he wants

I'm with your DH.
Its his side of the family so he gets the final say imo.
They didn't bother buying you guys anything so why should you?

It's not "fucking tight" to mutually agree not to exchange gifts.

His family, keep out of it.

Wow. He’s petty and doesn’t take the high road does he. Screw that I’d take something, leave him behind. He can stay home and simmer.

@fieldsofbutterflies@Ponoka7 I don't necessarily disagree with you in that, if this is what the family does, this is what you should do. That's why I said she needs to listen to her partner, he knows how things are done.

However, it DOES appear tight to most people. When I spend 2 hours cooking a 3 course meal and my SIL shows up with NOTHING, it absolutely does strike you as tight. Most people DO buy a small gift/ a bottle of bubbly for someone who just bought a house, or having their first baby, most people DO buy a bottle of wine when they are being hosted for dinner etc. When you enter a family like this, it's very alien. It was alien to me. And the lack of generosity still strikes me.

My family does not exchange gift lists, that's gross. But they make an effort to buy a little something for big events. And I think that's the more commonplace approach. My DP's family is very much the outlier among everyone else I know. And no, they are not poor. However it is not my place to tell them to do things differently.

I would take a bunch of flowers and a bottle of fizz. Let him stew in his tit for tat 'she didn't buy us anything therefore we won't buy her anything' - what a childish attitude. If you are a kind and generous person, don't stop being that person because of your partner.