To think this is really daft re DH & gift?

[Bouncycastleinthesky]

DH & I are meeting his side of the family this weekend.SIL (DH’s younger sister) and her partner recently bought a place, naturally I suggested buying them something as a congratulations (nothing massive, even just a bottle of bubbly or a nice candle). DH is saying no as SIL & BIL who earn more than us didn’t get us anything when we bought our place recently. AIBU to thing so what and who cares? I pressed DH further as I wanted to understand why he’s bothered and he said SIL has form for this and being spoiled/not paying way etc etc. I said fine whatever I’ll get something myself to give to them and he said he’d not be going if that was the case as he feels so strongly about it. Should I just stay out of it? The thing is I don’t want to look like the tight sod who didn’t buy a gift, I guess I care about what people think of me and also I think it’s not an expensive gift anyway so I couldn’t get worked up about it. DH obviously feels otherwise!

I”m with dh. I won’t waste my hard earned cash on tight fuckers, whoever they are, couldn’t give a shiny shit what they think.

How would you feel if you weren't getting your sister something, and your DH rode roughshod over you and did it anyway? I'm betting you wouldn't be very happy.

However, it DOES appear tight to most people. When I spend 2 hours cooking a 3 course meal and my SIL shows up with NOTHING, it absolutely does strike you as tight.

Well, why did you spend hours cooking a meal for her then?

@fieldsofbutterflies Don't be so obtuse. Most people would agree that when someone invites you over for dinner, you bring a bottle of wine or something. It's rude to show up empty handed.

Don't worry. I now buy ZERO for them too. I haven't bought them a gift or flowers or wine in years. I learned my lesson. But it absolutely is unusual for people to be this tight. And Christmas day with DP's family is appropriately joyless (so we BOTH actively avoid it most years).

I'm genuinely not being obtuse. That's not the norm in my family or with my in-laws, nor is it the norm with any of my friends.

THIS!!

@fieldsofbutterflies and if you read my post, I absolutely agree that you should go with how the family does things. I was wrong to impose my own expectations. 100%. And the OP should accept the way other people do things. I was just explaining that I do have sympathy with the OP's thinking. And I still judge my DP's family for being tight. I don't value lack of generosity as a trait. And that is an opinion I am entitled to have.

I genuinely don't understand how it's "tight" when it's something they've all mutually agreed is acceptable, but maybe that's just me.

Personally, I find it a bit of a weird social charade to host people and accept a gift, only to then have them host you and accept a gift in return. It makes absolutely no sense to me but maybe that's my autism saying that, lol.

I don’t give to receive, so yes, I would always buy something for someone in a new house. And if it was DHs family and he didn’t agree? Honestly? I would do it anyway. Unless they were truly, truly vile people (thinking of my SIL, who has been horrid to my DH her whole life and of course I wouldn’t do it then!) other than that, in every day situations, It makes ME happy to buy a thoughtful (not necessarily expensive) gift for others, irrespective of whether they do the same. Dh knows me well enough to indulge that (and I also earn my own money so I just do it and frankly? He couldn’t stop me)

OP keep out of it. This isn't a bit of pettiness about a bunch of flowers, there is clearly a long history:

he said SIL has form for this and being spoiled/not paying way etc etc.

Is SIL the golden child and he's the scapegoat? She has always been given whatever she's wanted but he's always had to work for it?

I think you need to support him. This isn't about you.

Sometimes families fall into a pattern where the younger siblings stay as non payers into their adult years.

I'm eternally grateful for SIL joining the family, as my husband's brother would happily supply a list of expensive gifts, then tag along on his parent's gifts, even though he was 22 and working.

Stay out of it. He feels strongly about it and it's his family.

This gives the benefit of a) supporting him and having his back and b) meaning that you never get landed with the shit job of sorting presents for his side of the family.

"I know you 2 makes loads of mullah so don't need us to buy you anything but I do think a few tulips are so jolly so got you these."

Don't buy wine as it is easy to judge someone on wine. Is it trendy? Is it the right type of wine? Have you spent enough/too much?

Flowers are non judgey just pretty, it's not like you can buy dreadfully posh tulips (unless you're doing so in October).

It's his family so I would just leave it up to him. Sometimes these family things run deep if there's been hurt in the past. You won't look mean if they didn't give anything to you when you got your house.
Could you just compromise on a new home card as a token?

I'm with you, in that gifts should be given without expectation. It's not a trade, it's a gift.

But it's your DH family & his call, so you should follow his lead.

surely it is awful when your brother turns up with nothing?

Could be her husband's sister. So no brother involved.