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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding dilemma- to uninvite sister!?

37 replies

Simplelife178 · 14/04/2024 12:42

Me and fiancé have been together 5 years, have a toddler together and have recently decided to get married this summer with immediate family and very few close friends. The wedding will be very small, casual and no thrills however we are very excited about our special day and is costing us around £5000-£6000.

The guest list has been the hardest part for us with only 20 guests, we’ve been brutal with invites (and I have a large family!). One sister I have very limited contact with as she is an alcoholic and this has caused many family frictions. Pressure from my Mum meant that I invited her a month ago despite not talking much and she accepted.

Fast forward to now… She has relapsed and her drinking has been a huge issue again! Emotionally abusive to other family members and relying on other family members to look after her very challenging children. Everybody, myself included, is feeling the stress around this and I am really gutted for her. She has lost some of her children and her life now revolves around a new love interest that she puts above everybody else. Everybody else in the family is to blame for her issues according to my sister.

My sister is likely to be drinking heavily still at the time of the wedding. If I uninvited her I would be able to invite a good friend and her husband who I actually have contact with and a closer relationship with. Both me and fiancé would prefer friend and husband there over sister as my family would not be able to relax and enjoy the day with my sister around alcohol. It would change the whole vibe and my mum will end up babysitting my older sister and will get completely wrapped up in her drinking !

AIBU to want to uninvite her so we can enjoy our day the way we want it? I am worried our day will become all about her. Some more distant family members have already cut her from their lives and there will be an awkwardness at the wedding.

If we do uninvite, HOW do I let her know? I do feel bad and love her as my sister but worry she will spoil the day. Both my parents understand and support my worries as they know they won’t switch off is she is there.

Please help and advise!!! Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Vivi0 · 14/04/2024 12:54

I am worried our day will become all about her.

It will.

If you were having a large wedding, this would be less of a problem. But with her being one of only 20 guests, she will ruin the day for you.

I would just call her to let her know that because she was drinking again, you were rescinding the invitation because you don’t want to deal with this on your wedding day. Tell her that you love her and that you are there for her, when she decides to get sober again.

If you don’t feel comfortable calling her, just send her a text or an email.

Don’t feel bad about this. People in active addiction are amongst the most selfish and self centered people on the planet.

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2024 12:57

Do her this favour: tell her she is uninvited and mean it. She needs to hit rock bottom before she decides to deal with her addiction. Though if she lost her children she is pretty devoted to her addiction.

Original poster
Simplelife178 · 14/04/2024 15:37

Thank you for your replies. I am leaning towards asking her not to come just struggling with how to word it.

OP posts:
Tatas · 14/04/2024 15:39

I'd just message or speak to her in person (whichever is safer for you) and tell her she's too much of a risk to have at the wedding. Might be worth telling family at the same time so you're all a united front and it's not a surprise to them either.

Just tell her she's too much of a risk and you can't have that sort of behaviour on your wedding day!

Sapphire387 · 14/04/2024 15:45

100% disinvite her and invite your friend and husband.

This is your wedding day, you can't risk having it ruined by an alcoholic who won't help themselves.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2024 15:50

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2024 12:57

Do her this favour: tell her she is uninvited and mean it. She needs to hit rock bottom before she decides to deal with her addiction. Though if she lost her children she is pretty devoted to her addiction.

Hard agree with this:

"DSis I love you. Your drinking is badly affecting everyone now and I can't have that at my wedding. So you can't come. I hope you get the help you need."

No 'sorry' no long explanations. She knows why. Blank truth.

Createausername1970 · 14/04/2024 15:51

Your mum put pressure on you to invite her, so your mum needs to step up and help you sort the problem out.

PastaBaby2024 · 14/04/2024 15:55

Absolutely uninvite her. With only 20 people there, the whole thing will be about her. I have alcoholics in my family so I am less sympathetic than other people maybe.

Alcoholics do not change. It's not your fault. Don't ruin your special day for their sake. It's not worth it. They don't give enough of a shit.

Bumblebeeinatree · 14/04/2024 15:59

She may of course turn up anyway, probably drunk. Contingency plan may be required.

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2024 15:59

Tell your mum to do it snd wait for the waterworks and guilt tripping to begin. This is typical of alcoholic families where the one with the disease controls everyone else with their demands.

“I’m not drinking so reward me by inviting me!”

”I’m drinking so don’t punish me by not inviting me!”

“Maybe if we include your sister she will feel good and stop drinking!”

“If you disinvite your sister she will relapse.”

Do you see how all these statements make you responsible for her choices?

Look into Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) or Al Anon and read up on alcoholism as a family disease—not that everyone has it but that everyone learns to tip toe around it. Until you stop.

BoohooWoohoo · 14/04/2024 16:02

Your mum is very unreasonable here. She pressured you to invite her yet says that she supports your worries? She’s being unfair.

Of course you don’t want drama on the day and for your mum to have to babysit your sister.

HummingbirdChandelier · 14/04/2024 16:21

I feel your pain @Simplelife178 , my sister was the same, but my wedding had about 100 people so it was easier to dilute: I got a friend to “babysit” her

I’d send a message as suggested by pp saying you love her, but she can’t come

User884721 · 14/04/2024 16:38

DSis I love you. Your drinking is badly affecting everyone now and I can't have that at my wedding. So you can't come. I hope you get the help you need

Excellent message suggestion from @MrsTerryPratchett

I'd send this.

SkyeLou · 14/04/2024 16:52

We had a really big wedding. My aunt's husband was an alcoholic. We didn't have a dry wedding but specifically sat him at a table with people who don't drink, not because they are recovering alcoholics but health issues, religion etc.
I had been unsure about inviting him but told by everyone in the family that I couldn't leave only him out. I'm very close to his wife, my aunt.
Even though there were over 100 people there a great number of people were wrapped up in watching him and ensuring he didn't start drinking.
They didn't manage to stop him. He made a seen, said some vile stuff then pissed himself in the middle of the dance floor.
This ruined the end of a special day as well as ruining my shoes and dress.
We all had to leave the dance floor until it was cleared up. Most people just left the wedding.
Uninvite your sister if you have any concerns. I never envisioned our day ending like it did.

SheepAndSword · 14/04/2024 17:09

It's got too much potential to go wrong really - I like the idea of telling her you love her but you can't have any negative impact from alcohol at your wedding.

saraclara · 14/04/2024 17:19

She's going to turn up anyway, of course. How are you going to handle that?

Original poster
Simplelife178 · 14/04/2024 17:19

Thank you again. I was worried that it would be deemed totally unreasonable to uninvite her but everybody’s support and advice has been really helpful and has helped me make a decision!

OP posts:
vincettenoir · 14/04/2024 17:21

I don't envy your position at all and it sounds v difficult.

But I am going to go against the grain here and say that you invited her and you need to take responsibility for that.

Even if her behaviour is very difficult she is a close family member going through a tough time and it's pretty horrible to uninvite her.

I would lean towards inviting her and making sure there is family member designated to keep an eye on her.

WhatWhereWho · 14/04/2024 17:22

Like others have said tell her directly and explain why she's not invited. Tell her what you said here and do not back down from it. You would be doing her a favour. You and your fiancé have been placed in a difficult situation by her and your mum. Explain your decision to your mum and be prepared for the emotional blackmail.

Good luck and have a lovely wedding, and marriage too.

KidsandKindness · 14/04/2024 17:31

I would be livid with my Mum for putting me under pressure to invite her in the first place under the circumstances. However, what's done is done, so in your shoes, I would go the route of uninviting your sister, and then make a point of telling your Mum, that because she pressured you to invite her in the first place, that if she does turn up, it will be up to her to ensure that she doesn't spoil your day, even if it spoils her own. Oh how I hate family guilt tripping!! Hope you have a wonderful day, and that your sis does the right thing and stays away.

BaronessBomburst · 14/04/2024 17:35

Uninvite her. My best friend begged me repeatedly to invite her alcoholic partner to my small (40 guests) wedding. l eventually agreed but he ruined the day. He upset other guests, behaved inappropriately, and I spent the evening organising to have him taken home and looking after her because she was so upset. To be honest, it seriously damaged our friendship.

Youdontknowmedoyou · 14/04/2024 17:35

The label of 'family member' is not a free pass to ruin other people's lives. It's your wedding so have who you want there not someone who believes they are entitled just because of their position in life.
Have a wonderful wedding day with the people you like.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2024 17:40

vincettenoir · 14/04/2024 17:21

I don't envy your position at all and it sounds v difficult.

But I am going to go against the grain here and say that you invited her and you need to take responsibility for that.

Even if her behaviour is very difficult she is a close family member going through a tough time and it's pretty horrible to uninvite her.

I would lean towards inviting her and making sure there is family member designated to keep an eye on her.

You'd just be stealing her rock bottom. That's not a kindness.

NoTouch · 14/04/2024 17:52

Alcoholism is a terrible disease, we have experienced it in both dh's and my family and I have great sympathy for those whose lives have been destroyed by it, both the alcoholic themselves and those closest to them.

As you have already invited her, could you go and have a word and say you would love to have her at your wedding but she is causing too many issues and the drinking stops today or she is uninvited. Puts the ball in her court.

Obviously it is highly unlikely she will be able to stop now, but it seems kinder than a straight uninvite. If you feel more comfortable with a straight uninvite YANBU either.

Wishing you and your sister all the best and hope she find the strength to recover one day.

MoonWoman69 · 14/04/2024 17:53

It's your wedding day, your special day. Things have changed since you issued the invitation. I think your mother should be the one to tell your sister, she was the one who wanted her there and pushed you into inviting her. You could then back her up and say, "No I don't want you there and your place has now gone. You've ruined your own chance, so you have no-one to blame but yourself that you won't be at my wedding, your own sisters wedding".

Please don't open yourself up to a day like it sounds@SkyeLou had. That must have been absolutely awful.

Good luck OP 💐