Wedding dilemma- to uninvite sister!?

[Simplelife178]

Me and fiancé have been together 5 years, have a toddler together and have recently decided to get married this summer with immediate family and very few close friends. The wedding will be very small, casual and no thrills however we are very excited about our special day and is costing us around £5000-£6000.

The guest list has been the hardest part for us with only 20 guests, we’ve been brutal with invites (and I have a large family!). One sister I have very limited contact with as she is an alcoholic and this has caused many family frictions. Pressure from my Mum meant that I invited her a month ago despite not talking much and she accepted.

Fast forward to now… She has relapsed and her drinking has been a huge issue again! Emotionally abusive to other family members and relying on other family members to look after her very challenging children. Everybody, myself included, is feeling the stress around this and I am really gutted for her. She has lost some of her children and her life now revolves around a new love interest that she puts above everybody else. Everybody else in the family is to blame for her issues according to my sister.

My sister is likely to be drinking heavily still at the time of the wedding. If I uninvited her I would be able to invite a good friend and her husband who I actually have contact with and a closer relationship with. Both me and fiancé would prefer friend and husband there over sister as my family would not be able to relax and enjoy the day with my sister around alcohol. It would change the whole vibe and my mum will end up babysitting my older sister and will get completely wrapped up in her drinking !

AIBU to want to uninvite her so we can enjoy our day the way we want it? I am worried our day will become all about her. Some more distant family members have already cut her from their lives and there will be an awkwardness at the wedding.

If we do uninvite, HOW do I let her know? I do feel bad and love her as my sister but worry she will spoil the day. Both my parents understand and support my worries as they know they won’t switch off is she is there.

Please help and advise!!! Thanks in advance

And be ready to have someone on the door acting like a bouncer in case she forgets she's been uninvited. If necessary call the police.

It's your day, not hers.

I would be very clear

. Im sorry soster but we are withdrawing the invite to the wedding. I love you very very much but your drinking is causing a lot of stress for all the family and I think it's best we withdraw the invitation. So everyone can enjoy the day without stress

I know you will be very hurt by this but i want you to get better and this wedding will be enabling you to drink which is something im not prepared to do . I want you to recover and be the person you really are when you are not drinking

Please remember how much you are loved by all the family . Its just the drink we dont love

If your mum kicks off, tell her that sis can only come off she agrees to be breathalysed on arrival, and that mum never leaves her side, and ensures that sis doesn't touch a drop of alcohol.

I'm guessing that mum won't agree to be money and sis won't agree to be breathalysed.

Thank you so much for your advice, it’s highly unlikely she’d even turn up if she was drinking as she often locks herself away for days on end and will not make contact or respond to anybody. She is such an introvert that she wouldn’t want people to be aware of her drinking so hopefully won’t behave in the same way as your aunts husband. I am so sorry you experienced this on your wedding day!!

Your wedding is exactly that. You are in control. You get to decide who attends and who doesn’t.:
Dear sister I regret that due to your alcoholic relapse you are no longer invited to attend my wedding. Your invitation has now been allocated to someone else. I wish you well in your ongoing recovery. Love etc

So sorry this has been your experience too. If she does turn up drunk, I am sure that some of my family members will ensure she gets home safely and will help her leave however with it being such a small do it will make a huge impact and a noticeable difference if a handful of guests disappear to see her home (from experience this will take a while as she won’t leave quietly!)

The end of the first paragraph and second paragraph have hit the nail on the head. We have an open bar where people can help themselves to a range of drinks. There will be so much unsupervised access to the alcohol that it will enable her to drink and she really does struggle to stop or slow down. It has been seven years of full on drinking with very little stopping in between sessions. Only recently had she stopped for six months… The longest we’ve ever known her to :(

On a lighter note justbimagine the money youll save with a free bar? ;)

Enjoy your day. Youvare doing nothing wring by univiting her. Please don't feel guilty

i would probably write. then call.
keep it short -With sadness i am withdrawing invitation to wedding . I realise you have some difficult personal issues that are ongoing. As you know i love you and will of course support you through positive changes.
Do not apologise. If results in any sorta fury,state the obvious this is a result of HER actions not yours. Have a fabulous wedding xx

This sort of message always makes me laugh. It's so formal! Would you really send that sort of message?

Yes in this case I would as the emotional entanglement of this situation needs to be removed as doing that helps to make the message easier to write/ deliver.

Hi OP @Simplelife178

Posting as an alcoholic in recovery myself, I urge you to please gently and kindly uninvite this relative.

1. It’s an important day - you should do everything to make sure that it goes how you want it to.
2. Relapse is a fragile time - NOT the time for social and willpower experiments. This person will be dealing with a huge sense of shame and battling the tendency to press the “f” it button. Your wedding is not the place for this battle.
3. Knowing your relative is vulnerable, inviting them to a “wet” wedding might be cruel. It’s just too much for someone who is struggling.

Keep the message short and direct but uninvite.

Your relative is unwell. Not your fault and maybe also not their fault.

However at the end of the day, they need to accept that their behaviour is not compatible with socialising with the rest of the family.

Maybe this will be their rock bottom and turning point for them.

Hope you have a lovely wedding.