Is this arrangement fair?

[isthusfair]

Have an 19 month old with my ex. He sees her every weekend he isn’t working, which is basically most weekends. He will see her 11am Saturday to 7pm Sunday and stays at a local premier inn overnight Saturday, which is nearby. He moved for work after we broke up and chooses to stay over nearby than travel back and forth. He pays around 10 percent more than cms (after I explained how much childcare was).

I don’t know if I’m being unfair as I don’t know many people in my situation. I resent having to rush round every day of the week for dd to drop at nursery then work all week. Me and ex both work in same industry and are on similar pay though he is far more into work than me and always has been. Ive asked him to please have dd 50:50 and stop CMS but he says he won’t as he can’t do work alongside nursery etc but I have to! I am making it work and friends say I have it good that he will take her all day Saturday and Sunday and put her to bed two nights a week etc, but I still feel like it’s unfair. I compare with those who have their DH around all week and they tell me they don’t find it easier with them around and they’d love time at the weekend like I have… yet I feel resentful all the time. Is this because I haven’t experienced he alternative? Is this a fair arrangement? I am confused and feel alone in these circumstances so dont know what is fair.

I don't think it's fair at all that you get all the hectic hard work days and he gets the lovely relaxing free and easy days. Nursery runs and rushing dinner and bedtime after work are much less easy quality time than the nice weekend days. And that's only one bedtime he's doing!

Well it’s not fair in that you’re not doing 50/50 if that’s your definition of fair however it is very common for dads to only see their children for the minimum or as and when it suits them.

Practically a whole weekend off would be lovely! But I definitely would not be pushing for my ex to have my child 50/50.. not in a million years, I would miss them too much

How far away does he live? You can't force him to move back nearby.

There was a thread here last week complaining that fathers now have their kids more frequently than every other weekend! You'll find varying opinions on here.

Why don't you suggest trying something differently for a while and see how it works.

I do think it is unfair that he is getting all the fun weekend time. I would cut back weekends to half each.

Would you want every other weekend perhaps? What about school holidays? A lot of NRP have a every other weekend and half the holidays arrangement. Are you not wanting to be the resident parent anymore? In which case you'd probably have to go to court to argue over who doesn't look after the child.

I'd hate not having weekends with my child especially if I had a busy week! Would he do the same amount of contact but EOW and one mid week night per fortnight?

Could he do Friday Saturday and Sunday one week?

I agree with this.

I voted Yabu because it isn't possible to enforce it. Putting energy into trying to enforce it may drive you to being very frustrated.

He can't be legally directed so you may be better to work out what can be agreed outside your preference.

I don't think it's fair that he gets weekends and you do weekdays. Don't you want some weekend time to do fun stuff with her?

I personally don't feel that 50:50 is a good solution for young children or fair on them being shuffled around all the time, and it sounds like you're both putting your own needs above hers.

It’s not ideal but if he lives so far away 50:50 isn’t realistic either

Perhaps thinking about what arrangement is best for your daughter rather than what suits you and your ex's working patterns would make the decisions clearer.

He can hardly do 50:50 when he doesn't even live nearby.
You need to think what's best for your dd not what's best for you.

I feel for you. My sons dad only has our son every other weekend so the only time he sees him is having quality time on the ‘fun days’ whilst I do all the hard work during the week and only have half of the fun time. I resent it in the way that the version of me my son sees is this burnt out mum who sets rules and sees his dad as this person who doesn’t have rules and is refreshed because he doesn’t do the hard work during the week. Parents like this frustrate me as they refuse to have their kids during the week because they don’t want to put the work in.

I suppose you could flip it on its head and say it's not fair he works all week and then has his child almost every weekend.

But this is what parenthood is looking like for you two now that you've split, and I don't really see that you can force him to have his child in the week.

I think you say that you should both share weekends 50/50
childcare costs in the week should also be shared 50/50
if he wants more than every other weekend you are more than happy to share care in the week

No, it is not "fair" and I would be concerned this is going to be the precedent for the closer than you think school years where the logistics, for us anyway, were much harder.

It seems he has given himself a get out of jail free card for the drudge work by moving far enough away it is not practical to support nursery drop off/pickups, it will be the same with school. But at the same time he appears the dotting dad because he gives up every free weekend to be with his dd.

How far away has he moved?

I would be telling him he doesn't get every weekend for a start, when does your dd get to spend quality time with her mum and visit your family etc. Make it set weekends so plans can be made.

He can then see her mid week between his EOW's. Although you can't insist I would push for him to pick up directly from nursery on a fixed day for that visit - obviously depends on how far away he is.

No he shouldn't get all the weekends and the fun time. They should be split 50/50.

I bet he wouldn't swap though.

You can't force him to have 50/50 my ideal would have been 50/50 I would have loved that and can't understand why so many are against it it sound ideal to me but my ex would rather not see our children and not pay any maintenance and people have told me that's totally fair and I'm lucky to get them all to myself 🙃 so I imagine most people will think your set up is fair yes

How's it ideal that she rarely sees her baby at weekends and has to work all week?

50/50 shared care is ideal! that's not 50/50.

I think you need to think about what is best for your child.
How would 50/50 work if your ex lives so far away he has to stay in a premier Inn when he sees her at the weekends. Would she need to change nursery for half the week? Or would she have to get up very early in the morning so her dad can take her to nursery and then get back in time for work.
When you have children they have to come first it's not about fairness it's about the best possible option for the child.