Is this arrangement fair?

[isthusfair]

Have an 19 month old with my ex. He sees her every weekend he isn’t working, which is basically most weekends. He will see her 11am Saturday to 7pm Sunday and stays at a local premier inn overnight Saturday, which is nearby. He moved for work after we broke up and chooses to stay over nearby than travel back and forth. He pays around 10 percent more than cms (after I explained how much childcare was).

I don’t know if I’m being unfair as I don’t know many people in my situation. I resent having to rush round every day of the week for dd to drop at nursery then work all week. Me and ex both work in same industry and are on similar pay though he is far more into work than me and always has been. Ive asked him to please have dd 50:50 and stop CMS but he says he won’t as he can’t do work alongside nursery etc but I have to! I am making it work and friends say I have it good that he will take her all day Saturday and Sunday and put her to bed two nights a week etc, but I still feel like it’s unfair. I compare with those who have their DH around all week and they tell me they don’t find it easier with them around and they’d love time at the weekend like I have… yet I feel resentful all the time. Is this because I haven’t experienced he alternative? Is this a fair arrangement? I am confused and feel alone in these circumstances so dont know what is fair.

@FlowersInAFlowerBed ah I see what you mean. He likely just wants the fun time!

Do you work full time? If so I don't think it's fair at all. You must hardly see her. And if he is not having her at his house, where do they go all day Saturday and Sunday? I can't imagine he has many toys etc in the Premier Inn, it sounds a bit miserable.

I think long term something needs to change, your LO can't spend every weekend with her dad living out of a hotel. Dad's home also needs to be her home.

How far away does he actually live? 50:50 just isn't feasible if he lives so far away that he needs a hotel for contact times rather than travelling back home.

I understand your frustration with the situation and that you're the one managing all the day to day practicalities. Unless he's willing to move closer to where you live I can't see how 50:50 is going to work for anyone.

I agree with this. Start letting him only have every other weekends. And if he objects, say he can can have 50/50 or have dd 2 days in the week (i.e. monday to friday).

I don’t think it’s really a question of being “fair” when it comes to these things, is it equal? No of course not.

But it’s one of those things where there’s nothing you can do about it, he could just as easily decide he never wants to see his child and there would be nothing you could do, so in that sense you are “lucky” to have at least the break that you do.

I also just think it’s one of those things that is a pretty tough time for everybody, and everybody always thinks that someone else has it easier. Someone who lives with their child’s dad but the dad doesn’t get home from work until 7pm when bedtime etc is already done probably is going to be jealous of you because they are doing it all alone anyway and then STILL have to parent all weekend. Someone who lives with their child’s dad and has them home to help out every night and share weekends probably wouldn’t be jealous of you not having support midweek. Someone who doesn’t live with their child’s dad and the dad doesn’t EVER do any overnight/weekend will be jealous of you having your weekends off. Everyone’s situation is different and whenever you think you have it bad there’s always going to be someone who has it better and someone who has it worse.

What like any working parent who doesn't have a custody arrangement?

This stage won’t last forever, OP. I think there is a better balance but 50/50 has proven brutal for children (I know many will anecdotally say it works for them and previously I have posted loads of research to show evidence of the issues it can cause for young people.). I think a long chat would work well for you both and find a balance which places your child’s needs at the centre. Good luck

Yes, exactly like that.

Thanks. I agree @Comingupriver that 50:50 isn’t actually best for dd. I offered it more to understand his intentions. He was clear he didn’t want that. He never will want it, he is a workaholic.

he takes her out for the days so they will go to a park then lunch or to an aquarium etc. I am always able to join and I often do. Just feel it’s unfair I’m taking the hit on day to day life but then he says he’s paying me a chunk which he is.

He can't be paying that much, only 10% above cms. He decided to move away for work so that's on him and he wants to spend money at weekends.

It's not fair that he gets DD every weekend to do all the fun stuff and you only get the rush around weekly contact.

I'd be pushing for every other weekend so that you both get down time with DD.

I definitely wouldn't be joining them in days out at the weekend. Why on earth are you doing that? That's very odd.

A a single parent, having every weekend off sounds like bliss but actually I'd want down time with DD. Every other weekend is the best of both worlds. You get time to yourself to do things you want to do - have a social life, sort house, maybe even date! But you also get time to do the fun things with DD too. Without him!!

My son has his kids every alternate weekend. I get why you feel that it’s unfair but he’s actually having your kids more than the average absent parent.

If he lives so far he needs to stay in a hotel 50:50 is not going to be an option. One of you would end up living too far from nursery. Would you consider moving to his new location?

YANBU of course it’s not fair that you’re both equal parents of this child but you have to do 90% of all of the hard work simply because you have a vagina and he has a penis.

You will hear the term Disney dad on here and this is basically what it is.
Where the mum does all of the hard work and then dad gets to do the fun stuff on the couple of days he has the kids.

YANBU because it absolutely is unfair but he does more than most separated dads do and there’s not much you can do to make it fair.

Have you looked into dropping your hours or condensing them if possible?
It may work out that you’re better off if you haven’t got to fork out for as much childcare.

You would benefit from having every other weekend with your child so you can build a relationship with them, enjoy doing things together, have time to actually parent. It's a real strain to only do the hard work during the week and not have the time at the weekend. Would he consider coming up and having your child overnight on the Monday of the weekend you have them (if you did EOW) so he doesn't go too long without seeing them and you also get a break?

How do you see it working logistically? Would he and DC stay in the hotel for his 50:50?