To suddenly have the ick after 4 months together?

[Ana25]

Things have been good these past four months. My boyfriend has always been sweet natured and generous, however I'm trying to work out if recent behaviour is red flag warnings or just him having a hard time.

The last week he has been told he may not pass something major that he has been working towards at work which could affect his whole career. He is also looking for a new house. Things that have happened this week-

• complained that his two bosses are completely useless (they might be, it's just that they're both women so gives me pause)
• complained that the woman showing him a house that had major issues was a 'bitch' - I was shocked and said I found this very sexist and he said which word should I use then? (His first language isn't English but he knows fine well what it means). First time he's name called anyone.
• general moaning over text and in person all week about how awful everything is
• contradicting me for no good reason, ie. 'its really windy', 'it was much windier where I was'. this happened a few times

The generous outlook that I suspect is he is going through a depressive episode. He told me he had previously been medicated for depression. But I suddenly find myself not wanting to speak to him after everything has been really good...

Probably starting to see their true colours now they’ve let their guard down and aren’t trying to impress you.

The mask is slipping. This is who he is.

Honeymoon period is over.
You have no ties to him, you’re seeing how you actually feel about him, which is fine. Dump him.

I’d say keep observing and asking questions in a non confrotional way.

I remember my BF telling me at the beggining that he had a lot of anger when young. I could not believe it as he seemed to be so sweet and calm. Fast forward to 9 months, I’ve seen his temper 2x and is giving me pause. First time was last week and not directed at me. Second time it was yesterday, directed at me, I dont class as abuse but he was very frustrated at a very minor thing (in my eyes anyway). He corrected himself afterward so Iet it go to not spoil the date but will bring it up next time I see him - I need time to think and assess my feelings so the conversation will be productive.

@TroutRunner oh dear, 4 months is a quick honeymoon period...I felt optimistic about things even up until last weekend.

It's all a very sudden change this past week.

Yes, the mask is slipping. You are seeing his true, miserable, sexist self.

Time to put him in the bin.

@GreenHome If you have a daughter, what would you tell her to do in your situation? Because I would tell mine to get the hell out of there as fast as you can. He IS an angry man, not he WAS one.

This!

OP he’s showing you his true colours. Don’t give him another 4 months.

Hard no. Move on.

I understand what you are saying but I believe people can change and improve. Sometimes we don’t know what we need to work on untill we get triggered.

4 months is still very early in a relationship and I would expect someone to still be putting their best foot forward at that point

i would cut and run.

@AceOfCups this morning he told me he was feeling 'distressed' over the way things have been going in his life - not directed at me, other things.

Because things have been good I'm struggling to see the difference between him needing support versus red flag central.

But yes I definitely don't vent endlessly to him even during a bad week as it's early days.

Oh please run a mile. This is how it starts. When you're locked in.. pregnant or have a mortgage together, this is when you'll see him let loose this temper and it'll be too late.

Take it from someone who spent 14 years trying to exit a similar situation.

I don't know, if something I'd worked towards for years was going to fail I think I'd be pretty snappy. And plenty of managers are useless (both men and women) so don't think that matters. I think the red flag for me is calling someone a bitch (although that would depend if they'd been a displaying 'bitchy' behaviour, occasionally I do think it's an appropriate word) and your gut feel about the situation. I'd probably make a mental note and observe further at this stage

I do understand- all I can say though after being married 28 years is many on here are going to be very disappointed in long term relationships if you don't think they involve people having periods where they are down, say stuff you don't agree with or generally 'piss you off' - some people are very easy going and have easy going partners so encounter it far less but all my friends in longer relationships of over a couple of years have ranting sessions about partners/husbands moods, tempers, inability to cope with certain things etc - with or without kids

If he is having a depressive episode he should be able to recognise this, if he has been on meds before. Then he should discuss it with you, insomuch as he should say, it's not your fault I've been acting this way. I'm going to the GP to see if they can help. For him to just seemingly turn really moody and mean on you after 4 months? I think he's not able to manage his symptoms or feelings well enough, or he could just be an arsehole? Either way it's not great.
I'd say nip it in the bid unless he's willing to see he's changed and he'll lose you if he doesn't seek help. But overall you should probably cut your losses and chuck him.

I survived two abusive marriages and I am hyper sensitive to anything abusive and I know the red flags.

I classed what I described as amber and I’m 80/20 on the break up path but I do need a conversation first which will happen next Friday.

Also I have zero plans to get pregnant, married, move in together or share a mortgage and I absolutely love my freedom and my own company so there is no risk I will settle.

At 16 weeks your not over invested sack it off

the boss and moan tbh we can all be guilty of that so wouldn’t read to much into it

estate agent bitch thing unnecessary you say English not his first language so may we be this and used in the wrong context but why bother to find out

the one up man ship and contradiction is probably his personality so tbh on this fact alone move on

Hard to know. Some of it could be cultural or just stress but i would also trust your instinct and sound him out a bit more (and casually) on things around values, gender roles etc to see what he thinks about things that may be important to you.

@coastalhawk I've always thought him to sympathetic to women's issues. He also reshares/celebrates some women colleagues achievements online from time to time.

I agree about the boss @DrinkFeckArseBrick , my male boss is hopeless too. It's just the fact all the people in his line of fire have been women this week. When you don't know someone so well, it makes you take note.

all I can say though after being married 28 years is many on here are going to be very disappointed in long term relationships if you don't think they involve people having periods where they are down,

this isnt about a long term relationship though. At four months, the relationship has barely begun and should still be in the fun, ‘getting to know you’ stage.

the fact that this man doesn’t give a shit about how he comes across so early on speaks volumes about him as a person and/or how he values the OP

Obviously you can end a relationship for any reason you like, and you’re not obliged to continue seeing him if you’re no longer feeling it. The bitch thing isn’t great, but personally I think it’s a bit harsh to hold it against him that he’s stressed and down about what sounds like a stressful situation.

As I understand it he isn’t directing his misery/stress at you, he’s just moaning because he’s concerned about his job and house situation. If I was him I’d hope I’d be able to vent about it to someone I’d been seeing for 4 months. I remember pretty early in my relationship I had a panicked freak out about my flat’s service charge increasing and my partner listened and was supportive. Life isn’t perfect all the time and it sounds like he’s got legitimate reasons to be stressed.

@TedMullins thanks. We talk every day and I'd say nearly every conversation this past week has been about his present difficulties. Is that reasonable?

Maybe it is. Maybe as a partner you suck to the hard periods. It just feels a bit like emotional dumping.

He's definitely welcome to vent, just not all the time. And now I think of it contradicting me constantly is a way of taking things out on me, as he wasn't doing it before

That’s a bit different if he’s making every single conversation about him. That doesn’t sound reasonable how you describe it

But he's been angry all his life. Of course he knows what triggers him.