To suddenly have the ick after 4 months together?

[Ana25]

Things have been good these past four months. My boyfriend has always been sweet natured and generous, however I'm trying to work out if recent behaviour is red flag warnings or just him having a hard time.

The last week he has been told he may not pass something major that he has been working towards at work which could affect his whole career. He is also looking for a new house. Things that have happened this week-

• complained that his two bosses are completely useless (they might be, it's just that they're both women so gives me pause)
• complained that the woman showing him a house that had major issues was a 'bitch' - I was shocked and said I found this very sexist and he said which word should I use then? (His first language isn't English but he knows fine well what it means). First time he's name called anyone.
• general moaning over text and in person all week about how awful everything is
• contradicting me for no good reason, ie. 'its really windy', 'it was much windier where I was'. this happened a few times

The generous outlook that I suspect is he is going through a depressive episode. He told me he had previously been medicated for depression. But I suddenly find myself not wanting to speak to him after everything has been really good...

If he's had a major personal setback this week, I would be more forgiving. I might point it out to him gently at some point that he's not his usual self at the moment and you'd like to have a nice time together, or give yourself a bit of breathing space while he sorts himself out. Were you having doubts before?

Contradicting you is being disagreeable, probably as a result of his depressed mood and worries but it is draining to be on the receiving end of that kind of repeated petty and unnecessary negativity.
Do you want to be a sponge for his woes, if it turns out that depressed or negative moods and behaviour are a part of his life and likely to be a recurrent theme? It's hard to judge whether it is or not. Whatever the case, know yourself first and foremost and what you want or don't want to live with or put up with.

• contradicting me for no good reason, ie. 'its really windy', 'it was much windier where I was'. this happened a few times

That will never change. It will also end up as everything will be your fault too as he has zero respect for your feelings, observations or experiences. Run like hell.

That's interesting. Not saying you've done this here but I have found myself in the past assuming that men I like and who are kind/friends have basic feminist and anti-sexist views (like the minimum really) and have been taken aback when it's not been the case, or at least not when they're being a bit more honest. It is interesting that it's all women recently in line of his fire. Like you said you don't know him that well yet, it's worth keeping an eye on.

But also what others are saying about not being your best self when stressed or encountering major setback.

It's always been around 3-4m for me that the mask has slipped sadly

I’m a firm believer that any human being can work on themselves and be better / do better.

As I said - you need triggers in life so you know what things you still need to work on.

Being angry is not exactly a personality flaw in my opinion. People have very valid reasons for being angry. Your childhood experiences shape you forever.

It is about how you deal with it.
Yes, in my eyes, on two separate consecutive occasions, I don’t think he dealt with it very well. But I’m hypersensitive.

I checked with friends and they didn’t see anything wrong. But what matters is that I did.

But do you know what I did not do?
Check with him and ask him if everything is okay, if he is facing any problems I’m not aware of, if he is under stress…because we have been going out since June 2023 and he never showed that side of him before.
Maybe the mask is slipping now after that long.
Or maybe he is going through something that he didn’t share. He did mention that the sun shining is making him feel better. I didn’t even know he was not feeling good.
So I see that I come with amber/red flags too.

Sorry OP for highjacking your post.

The point is - open, honest, transparent conversations at the right time.
Give him a little warning so he has time to reflect.

I know that at some point in the week my BF will message me so we can choose a place to go for dinner.
I will say: ‘somewhere quiet and comfortable with a little private table in the corner if possible, so we can talk about stuff. There has been a few things on my mind lately and I was not able to bring it up but I want to now”

If my husband of ten years started acting like this it would get an eyeroll, but I'd put up with him to a point because we have had years of happiness and a family/mortgage etc.

After four months? Nope. Sorry. You can walk away and should. There will be plenty more men out there who are actually nice rather than showing you their best self for a few months and then reverting to type.

Also, it's all irrelevant what he's actually doing really because once you've got the ick, you've got the ick. It doesn't go away.

Why all the analyses

you are going off him and that’s perfectly fine

move on

"contradicting me for no good reason, ie. 'its really windy', 'it was much windier where I was'. this happened a few times"

This is the part setting my beeper off, if anything. Someone who habitually contradicts, corrects or has to best you, is not good potential partner material. Those people are draining.

This as well of course...quite simply.

Bin him. Everyone goes through hard times. The fact that he makes it all about him plus all the contradicting is a bad bad sign.

My exH was like this. The problem is when things get REALLY hard for a long time. You get months and months of self centered whining and arguments and the excuse is that he is stressed/ depressed/ having a hard time and as a woman you should obviously understand. Even when my mom was going through cancer, he managed to be sympathetic for about a week until he started moaning again.

Fuck that. Move on.

@princessbeetroot yeah it's a bit like being a long suffering wife before my time

That said, obviously it just so happens that he's suffering a serious setback at the same time as we're early in the relationship. I expect some emotional support as I care about him by within limits.

He needed your boot up his arse yesterday, take the rubbish out to the kerb. He can be someone elses problem.
You've dodged a bullet love!

They say it takes an average of 3 months for someone to show their true colours, so i suppose thats the real him unfortunately.

I don't know if what you have is the ick so much as it is that you just don't like what you see now that the starry-eyed phase is winding down.

If at 4months you're finding that you need to 'psyche' yourself into engaging with him as though you're still in to him otherwise you'll feel bad about it given he hasn't done anything wrong per se then don't. Cut your losses and run. It's 4 months and it's pretty fucking tedious to play top trumps over the weather unless someone was quite literally caught up in a storm.

No coming back from the ick, it's over.

4 months is still early and you are getting to know him and seeing different side to him. Just end it if you have these icks and doubting being with him.

I'm torn. I've felt positive and happy with things before this last week.

I mentioned he seemed to be having a rough time earlier and he agreed and said that was why he was keen to spend more quality time together once this hard part is out of the way in two weeks.

But if course I know it's worse to let things go on too long if it isn't going to work out. It could well be this is the real him and he doesn't feel the need to pretend anymore.

People who always blame others for their misfortune end up losers. Cut your losses and run