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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is ds or dh bu?

44 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 10:09

Dh is step father to ds (24)
ds has made a series of mistakes since university including dropping out, debt, lying to family so they still send him money for things he’s already sold eg his car! Expecting family to pay debts such as rent arrears for student house and recently, also committing a driving offence. No one was hurt and I can see it was a silly mistake which ds should’ve reported at the time as now he’s in trouble for not reporting it.
Absolutely going off the rails yet still working very hard and doing well in that respect. Dh has just had enough and finally had a hours long talk with him. Or rather, he ranted at ds for hours and didn’t let us get a word in. Relationship is I think, irreparable. However I want to support ds and feel dh is being extremely Unsupportive. Perhaps rightly so? Dh is annoyed with me for ‘letting him get away with it’
Am I being too soft? Ds has already said it’s his mental health but dh is having none of it and I tired of the bad decisions one after the other and the lying.
I feel very torn. Dh is annoyed that I act all positive and happy with ds and we still joke around sometimes as if he hasn’t done anything but I still love ds and want to help him. I’m not going ignore him while he lives here with us. The tension is unbearable in the house, dh is snappy and drinking too much, he can’t seem to handle any kind of dilemma without just turning into an arsehole and I don’t know what to do apart from help ds with getting sorted on my own. Who is BU?

OP posts:
MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/04/2024 10:15

It sounds like both DS and DH are hard work and making issues. DS’s behaviour sounds atrocious, he’s 24 he’s well into adulthood and sounds entitled, a liar, manipulative and a waster. The dishonesty of getting family to pay you money for something you’ve sold is disgusting.

That said, drinking too much and being snappy is hardly a good look from DH. But if you are enabling DS and not holding him to account for essentially being a liar, for fleecing family members and now for committing a driving offence I can see why he has reached his limit and has checked out. If you’re writing off your DS’s awful behaviour as ‘silly mistakes’ I can see why he’s frustrated. You definitely sound too soft, we’re there any consequences put in place for your son stealing money from family by claiming it for things he’d sold?

WhiteLeopard · 14/04/2024 10:20

I agree with pp that it sounds like there is fault on both sides here. It does sound like you are too soft on DS and that must be frustrating for DH, but it doesn't justify him ranting for hours or drinking too much - he should behave like an adult and step back from the situation. I guess maybe you need to talk to both of them and try to find some compromises? It sounds like you are a bit passive / like to brush things under the carpet? Time to get things out in the open and start trying to find some solutions.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 10:20

No and dh did talk about consequences at great length this week. Ds has not had any apart from the family turning their backs on us which didn’t change anything.

OP posts:
Calamitousness · 14/04/2024 10:20

Yeah both unreasonable. But. I get your wish to have some harmony at home and that you still love your son. Of course you do. Can your son make amends and repay the money he took through lying. Apologise and accept his responsibility for poor behaviour etc. basically turnover a new leaf and make repartitions with the family. Everyone deserves a second chance. Then your husband needs to at worst keep out his way and acknowledge his efforts. No more putting you in the middle.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 10:23

WhiteLeopard · 14/04/2024 10:20

I agree with pp that it sounds like there is fault on both sides here. It does sound like you are too soft on DS and that must be frustrating for DH, but it doesn't justify him ranting for hours or drinking too much - he should behave like an adult and step back from the situation. I guess maybe you need to talk to both of them and try to find some compromises? It sounds like you are a bit passive / like to brush things under the carpet? Time to get things out in the open and start trying to find some solutions.

I have also thought dh needs to step back from it and detach which he said he is going to do but is constantly thinking it over and working himself up over it. They agreed a ‘re set’ but just yesterday dh was driving around trying to catch out ds over something. He is very stressy and definitely got worse with age! I think the drinking is his only way of coping but it only makes matters worse

OP posts:
missmollygreen · 14/04/2024 10:24

Your ds is. You know this.

He needs some tough love and consequences to his actions.

I feel sorry for your dh to be honest, it must be so frustrating.

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 10:24

This is so helpful, thank you

OP posts:
mrsdineen2 · 14/04/2024 10:27

How can you look at the results of what you've been doing and think for a second that you're right to keep it up?

A fraudster and dangerous driver behaves recklessly, and your instinct is to pick a fight with the one person trying to snap him out of it and give him a fighting chance at a sensible future?

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 14/04/2024 10:27

Your DS is behaving atrociously and your poor DH is probably fed up with your DS treating everyone liken sh*t so decided to step up and make him address his behaviour because clearly you haven't.

If anything it sounds like your DH is standing up for you and wants your DS to stop treating you like a mug because your DS knows your soft.

Octavia64 · 14/04/2024 10:29

Is DS living at home?

I'd be inclined to turn the financial support off (wherever he is living) so that he runs his own life.

Teens and early twenties adults do in general learn from their mistakes (although not usually as quickly as their parents wish they would!)

If he is living at home I'd start exploring options to get him moved out.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 14/04/2024 10:32

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 10:23

I have also thought dh needs to step back from it and detach which he said he is going to do but is constantly thinking it over and working himself up over it. They agreed a ‘re set’ but just yesterday dh was driving around trying to catch out ds over something. He is very stressy and definitely got worse with age! I think the drinking is his only way of coping but it only makes matters worse

Show quote history

Is your son living with you? Do you give him money? Do you make excuses for him and write things off as ‘silly mistakes?’

If the answer to these is yes, how is your DH supposed to detach?

Does your son pay rent? Is he paying back the family members he stole from? Does he do his own cooking/ cleaning/ washing etc plus some general household tasks? Has he apologised to the people he stole from? Does he recognise that what he did was wrong? Is he looking to move into his own flat and saving for this so he can move out of your space?

If the answer to these is no, how is your DH supposed to detach?

It sounds like your DS needs to move out of home, stop sponging off everyone else and expecting mummy to pick up the piece s and get out of your DH’s space.

DoreenonTill8 · 14/04/2024 10:37

mrsdineen2 · 14/04/2024 10:27

How can you look at the results of what you've been doing and think for a second that you're right to keep it up?

A fraudster and dangerous driver behaves recklessly, and your instinct is to pick a fight with the one person trying to snap him out of it and give him a fighting chance at a sensible future?

Edited

This, you're clearly supporting him with the view 'dad is wrong I'm on your side ' from the way you mention dh having a rant at'us'.

Scarletttulips · 14/04/2024 10:42

I think you do have to forgive your child’s mistakes, and there’s no reason to cut him off and ignore him in your own home, that is a ridiculous punishment.

Clearly you don’t like the way your DH handles these situations.

Is your son taking drugs by any chance?

dizzydizzydizzy · 14/04/2024 10:45

Ooh, OP I feel for you.

What are DS' mental health problems? How could they be contributing to his terrible behaviour? Is there any possibility that he might have undiagnosed MH or psychiatric issues? (Friend's grown up DD was behaving in a similarly awful fashion and she ended up in hospital. At some point she got diagnosed as bipolar too).

YeahComeOnThen · 14/04/2024 10:47

@Doubtfuldaphne How long has he been in DS's life?

DS needs consequences, you're doing him NO favours by minimising & excusing his dreadful behaviour! What has he done about his MH he says is causing him to behave like this? How is he holding down his job?

You need to talk to DH, he needs to see that you need his support not for him to be a drinking mess.

he can't take a step back when DS is being such a monumental twat living under his roof.

twoandcooplease · 14/04/2024 10:56

You're all being unreasonable for different reasons imo

Original poster
Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 10:56

Ok here are some answers!
Dh has been in ds’s life since ds was 6
ds pays £500 a month to live with us which is a lot really and he works hard. We have a beautiful home and it’s expensive and ds wants to stay here so contributes a lot financially. However any help with household tasks is quite non existent.
He’s not on drugs
He has so far paid back 4000 off the debt but for some reason just stopped with 2k to go and told us he’d been paying it! Another lie which then makes me look stupid as I tell my family (guarantors) that he’s paying it when he isn’t.
He needs to acknowledge what he’s done and apologise and start paying back his debts and build bridges
He has paid back my Df at least from another debt he had
I do think he has some undiagnosed psychiatric issues. His biological father had these and died at a young age.
I do think dh is standing up for me too and is trying his best

OP posts:
BeaRF75 · 14/04/2024 10:57

OP, whilst you will still love your son, that doesn't mean that you have to support hiss behaviour and bad decisions. Your husband may have talked too much, but it sounds like he has the right idea.

Hankunamatata · 14/04/2024 11:03

Why on earth haven't you read dc the riot act. You seem to minimise what your son has done - silly mistakes etc I can see why dh is at the end of his limits. You can love your dc but still keep strong boundaries. You seem to think dc working hard makes up for all the lying.

Hankunamatata · 14/04/2024 11:04

As to the debt I would make him pay you and dh every month then you can make sure it's being paid.

Willmafrockfit · 14/04/2024 11:07

your dh is not bu
he is providing tough love

back him
is the drinking and the snappiness new?

DoreenonTill8 · 14/04/2024 11:12

£500 a month is not a lot if he is getting full bed and board at 24. Is he working full time?

gindreams · 14/04/2024 11:14

So did the people acting as guarantor have to pay money ?

Paperthin · 14/04/2024 11:20

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 10:23

I have also thought dh needs to step back from it and detach which he said he is going to do but is constantly thinking it over and working himself up over it. They agreed a ‘re set’ but just yesterday dh was driving around trying to catch out ds over something. He is very stressy and definitely got worse with age! I think the drinking is his only way of coping but it only makes matters worse

Show quote history

dh was driving around trying to catch out ds over something
….this seems weird behaviour and really stuck out to me. Your DH is obsessively trying to find things wrong with DS - so DS doesn’t really stand a chance with him does he?
DS pays you quite alot in rent and has made mistakes. If it was my DS I would be telling him honesty how I feel and what I want in terms of practical contribution BUT still emotionally supporting him.
Re your DH it sounds like nothing will dissuade him from what’s basically ‘stalking ‘ of your DS to find things ‘wrong’. So if it were my DH I’d be having a serious chat too as I couldn’t accept that either.

rwalker · 14/04/2024 11:21

I’m not going to pile on
but there’s a fine line between enabling and supporting

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