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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is ds or dh bu?

44 replies

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 10:09

Dh is step father to ds (24)
ds has made a series of mistakes since university including dropping out, debt, lying to family so they still send him money for things he’s already sold eg his car! Expecting family to pay debts such as rent arrears for student house and recently, also committing a driving offence. No one was hurt and I can see it was a silly mistake which ds should’ve reported at the time as now he’s in trouble for not reporting it.
Absolutely going off the rails yet still working very hard and doing well in that respect. Dh has just had enough and finally had a hours long talk with him. Or rather, he ranted at ds for hours and didn’t let us get a word in. Relationship is I think, irreparable. However I want to support ds and feel dh is being extremely Unsupportive. Perhaps rightly so? Dh is annoyed with me for ‘letting him get away with it’
Am I being too soft? Ds has already said it’s his mental health but dh is having none of it and I tired of the bad decisions one after the other and the lying.
I feel very torn. Dh is annoyed that I act all positive and happy with ds and we still joke around sometimes as if he hasn’t done anything but I still love ds and want to help him. I’m not going ignore him while he lives here with us. The tension is unbearable in the house, dh is snappy and drinking too much, he can’t seem to handle any kind of dilemma without just turning into an arsehole and I don’t know what to do apart from help ds with getting sorted on my own. Who is BU?

OP posts:

Forhecksake · 14/04/2024 11:37

Your DH now doesn't trust your son, and that's not going to change any time soon.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 11:54

I think that’s it, he just lost all trust in ds. He wanted to make sure ds wasn’t driving his car around because he hasn’t taxed it. Hence the driving around ‘trying to catch him out’ as I put it earlier. It turns out ds had parked it down the road and dh was trying to find the car. I’m going to take ds to get it done tomorrow as he obviously needs to be physically made to do anything

OP posts:

Willmafrockfit · 14/04/2024 12:14

ii think you need to listen to your DH, help him offload his concerns and see the wood for the trees.

Riverlee · 14/04/2024 12:23

You seem to be making a lot of excuses for your 24 year old son - ‘a series of mistakes’, ‘silly mistakes’ and I think possibly the driving accident has been the trigger for dh to explode.

It’s time ds grew up - he’s. 24, and got his act together.

Is they anything else that’s worrying dh and causing his drinking - work worries etc, as well as ds?

Emptyheadlock · 14/04/2024 12:37

24 years old?!

Absolute joke.

I'd be planning to leave if I were your dh.

OhmygodDont · 14/04/2024 12:55

His 24 let his actions have consequences. I’d he doesn’t tax it car that’s in him not be holding his hand to the bloody post office.

I also wouldn’t want a lier and thief at his age in my house and that’s what you are when you borrow money and don’t pay it back. His driving dangerously not taxing his car but you think it’s fine because he works hard…

Working seems to be the only think he does actually do in his life right.

Dh is clearly doing cuckoo over it but if this behaviour has been going on for years now while you wave your hands about oh his just growing up still maybe his got issues oh well you know what his bio dad was like but also not trying to get proper help or boundaries I’m not surprised his bonkers over it all.

Your ds won’t get to stay in this lovely house either if your dh leaves you will he, it Will presumably be sold since it’s so costly.

INeedAnotherName · 14/04/2024 13:03

Your son is 24. An adult. Not borderline between adult and child but a full adult.

He is also a liar, a fraud, a conman and a criminal.

And you think it's okay. Stop enabling, you are making everything worse.

Original poster

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 13:05

No I don’t think it’s alright I just needed some sense talking into me which I have now had
Thank you everyone - I was definitely BU!

OP posts:

Isitovernow123 · 14/04/2024 13:09

Think it’s time for DS to move out and live in his own place.
Your DH is quite right to speak to him about his actions, and the subsequent consequences - it’s obvious no one has before so Dah has to be the bad guy.

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/04/2024 13:23

Time for some tough love, I think your DH is right about this and you need to stop minimising your son's behaviour and stop being a soft touch.

If there are/were MH issues on his fathers side then get him checked out, perhaps he does have a personality disorder emerging, but clearly your sons behaviour has been unacceptable

Itsonlymashadow · 14/04/2024 13:31

So hang on he has mental health issues which makes him defraud family, lie, commit driving offences to the point family have turned their backs on you.

But his mental health issues don’t impact his work at all. There he can follow all policies and processes? Does well, doesn’t lie, doesn’t defraud his employer or colleagues?

Where did he move the car to? Whose drive? Or is it parked on the road. He moved it without tax. Why?

Your son doesn’t do anything around the house and is behaving awfully. This has obviously caused a lot of stress and problems and you think your dhs reaction to it is the issue?

Hoppinggreen · 14/04/2024 13:32

Those things are not "mistakes" they are irresponsible and in some cases illegal.
Perhaps your DH was over the top and it IS more difficult if he isnt his father but I imagine he has had enough of your 24 year olds behaviour.

PTSDBarbiegirl · 14/04/2024 13:44

Getting some help for yourself to look at your understanding of boundaries might help you to see this more clearly. I've had similar with DS and my DP (his Step F). It triggered a response from me that saw me nearly splitting up with DP as I defended DS22. DP was right, as it turned out but the tug of love between me, my children and DP of 19 years. Son adores DP and vice versa. I couldn't cope with any criticism being levelled at son at all. I had therapy around boundaries and see now that I could have done it differently. It's easy to not accept the flaws in our children, my DP also drank way too much at the time and it took my son moving out again for him to grow up. We're all very close again now but my DC had to grow up a bit. It's OK for you to say that you feel upset with the situation and want you all to move forward and agree on how this will happen.

LeviOsaNotLeviosaa · 14/04/2024 13:47

Your poor DH, (like the rest of the family by the sounds of it) has reached the end of his tether: with both of you by the sounds of it. DS's behaviour is atrocious and you are both enabling and excusing it. He's 24, not 14 - though I'd argue he'd need the same tough love at 24.

Woman up and actually do something about it.

pinkyredrose · 14/04/2024 13:50

I do think he has some undiagnosed psychiatric issues.

Such as?

He needs to be properly assessed then.

It looks like he's very irresponsible, maybe because you're always so quick to 'support' him, ie. let him get away with it.
Has he ever taken full accountability for himself?

Being a supportive mother doesn't mean being soft on him. He needs to learn respect.

Odiebay · 14/04/2024 15:13

You need some consequences

Not paying debt.. he gives you money on top of his rent each month to pay it off.
No more guarantors for anything
Not taxed or not .. take the keys or callt he police and report him
Not doing chores... Rent goes up to pay for a cleaner or you start telling him if x isn't done he will need to leave

You need to treat him like the child he is behaving as not the adult he should be

TheSnowyOwl · 14/04/2024 15:19

I think you are the one BU here. You can still love, support and help your son whilst acting like a parent. It sounds like your DH is the one doing this whilst you are enabling your DS’s behaviour which already hasn’t helped him and will continue to be detrimental in the long run.

Createausername1970 · 14/04/2024 15:28

I do feel for you. My DS is autistic and very probably ADHD and makes crap decisions at times. Fundamentally he is a nice person, but his desire to please can lead him down the wrong path and sometimes I despair. So I can see myself in your shoes.

So I can see where you are coming from, it comes from a place of love.

But I can also see where DH is coming from. At some point neither of you will be around to pick up the pieces, so DS does need to put all this right and try to start making better choices.

With regards to paying the debts that involve your family, I would be suggesting a much larger monthly contribution from him and you get those debts paid off asap, even if it means the majority of the money he gives you each month is going towards sorting out the debts and you are only taking enough to cover the cost of his food.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/04/2024 15:37

Doubtfuldaphne · 14/04/2024 11:54

He's lost trust in DS because DS is untrustworthy. Being untrustworthy is something this fully grown adult chose to be.

Regardless of his MH, he needs immediate, natural consequences. Not 'ranting' or ostracising. DH's choice. But actual consequences. So his car is not taxed and/or MOTed, report it. Hopefully they will catch him. And I'd tell him you're doing it. He doesn't pay a debt and lies, now he pays direct to you or he leaves. You can do this with kindness and empathy. But they are hard boundaries.

He's at a crossroads. Up until about 25 brains are still plastic and forming. Which is why teenagers are often idiots. But when you're doing stupid shit in your late 20s, it's your life. Help him leave this behind.

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