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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU about my DD’s birthday cake?

77 replies

FisherSpice · 13/04/2024 20:14

Please help me get some perspective. It’s my DD’s 6th birthday this week. We usually have a family gathering at mine to celebrate but this year DM offered to host it at her house. Only 8 of us (DM, DF, my 3 siblings, me, my DD and my DS) as DP was working.

DM wanted to do the cooking. She mentioned that she’d bought apple pie. I thought this was strange because I said I’d bake a cake. I decorated it at my DMs house and left it in the kitchen on a cake stand all ready with the candles etc.

We were eating the meal my DM cooked when my 1 year old needed a nappy change. I hadn’t finished eating my meal. I left the table to change him and made a joke about it. I was quick - maybe 5 minutes in total. I came back to the table being cleared and my DM dishing out apple pie and custard. My DD was asking where her cake was. I said “I thought we’re here to celebrate DD’s birthday. What about the cake?” My DM said she’d waited for me to serve it but I was taking too long. I told her I was changing a nappy and she shrugged.

I asked her for a lighter for the candles and she said she didn’t have one. I know she has matches so I said “oh god! Matches then!” She told me to calm down and “stop being like this”. We cut the cake and sang Happy Birthday. Me and my DD ate the cake while the others ate apple pie. I think my siblings felt bad because they each asked for a slice. My DM and DF said they didn’t want any. I said my goodbyes and thank yous and left. My DM was saying she doesn’t understand what she did wrong and I’ve caused drama over nothing. AIBU?

OP posts:
SleepingMermaid · 13/04/2024 20:22

Doesn't seem like a big deal, no need to create drama. Just get the cake, whoever wants cake has cake and those who prefer pie have pie. Lovely to have a second option and kind of your mum to host and cook.

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 13/04/2024 20:25

Yes, your mum did a nice thing and you’ve shat all over her.

Why, “Oh, god. Matches then.”?

Attitude. No need.

I bet your mum feels like shit now.

Greywitch2 · 13/04/2024 20:28

Sounds like a fuss over nothing. You, I mean.

She didn't do anything wrong. It was perfectly ok to have the cake with singing and candle blowing after people had eaten their apple pie. I'm really not sure why you made a big drama out of it.

ltappleby · 13/04/2024 20:30

I think your DM was being strange. It’s obviously birthday cake for a birthday. I guess you could have apple pie as an option but it would be very much second place.
I’d just host the birthday yourself in future, as you planned to anyway.

Cbljgdpk · 13/04/2024 20:33

It does sound odd; why did they clear the table if you hadn’t finished? It does sound like your DM wanted apple pie over the cake and I don’t really understand why. Perhaps she doesn’t like the cakes you make? But very odd way to avoid eating it.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2024 20:34

I think your mother was being really fucking weird, personally. It was a dinner for your daughter's birthday, you made a cake at her bloody house. She knew this. Of course you wanted to serve the cake for her birthday. If anyone was trying to cause drama, it was your mother.

Riverlee · 13/04/2024 20:34

I think there was a classic case of miscommunication here. Your dm served a meal
with the apple pie as dessert, whilst you understood the cake to be dessert. It’s perfectly fine to have dessert, and then the cake.

You sounded a bit stropy about the matches. If I was taking a birthday cake, I would take matches with me.

SirenSays · 13/04/2024 20:36

They didn't know how long you were going to be changing the baby and they wanted some dessert. You sound overdramatic to me op.

splashofcolour · 13/04/2024 20:37

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 13/04/2024 20:25

Yes, your mum did a nice thing and you’ve shat all over her.

Why, “Oh, god. Matches then.”?

Attitude. No need.

I bet your mum feels like shit now.

No, don't make apple pie when there's cake. It makes it into some bizarre competition

Bearsinthetrap · 13/04/2024 20:37

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 13/04/2024 20:25

Yes, your mum did a nice thing and you’ve shat all over her.

Why, “Oh, god. Matches then.”?

Attitude. No need.

I bet your mum feels like shit now.

you sound as bonkers as her mum who cba to light candles on her granddaughters birthday cake

BaaBaaMa · 13/04/2024 20:37

I would probably have had both apple pie & custard for dessert. Then cake after with a cuppa.

PickledMumion · 13/04/2024 20:39

It's really obtuse of her to just say she didn't have a lighter, without offering matches instead.

Soubriquet · 13/04/2024 20:39

No i think that’s weird. She deliberately served the pie instead of the cake and tried to thwart your effort every time. It’s a bit off. You didn’t make a fuss, she did

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2024 20:39

My guess is your mother has form for doing batshit things.

Rosesanddaffs · 13/04/2024 20:39

You did nothing wrong, it sounds like your mum wanted to create drama by telling you that you took too long to serve the cake, you were changing a nappy and she knew that, so why couldn’t she wait?

A bit of patience wouldn’t have killed her, maybe she didn’t want people complimenting your cake and maybe she’s a bit jealous.

Don’t do birthdays there again, it’s a shitty way for her to behave xx

theeyeofdoe · 13/04/2024 20:40

just have it at home next time. Don’t make a big deal with your family.

Princesspollyyy · 13/04/2024 20:41

You did nothing wrong. DM was in the wrong for doing the following:

  1. Clearing the table when you hadn't finished

  2. Deciding to make an apple pie for pudding when there would be birthday cake

  3. Saying she didn't have a lighter instead of saying 'I've got some matches, I'll just get them for you'.

LittleBearPad · 13/04/2024 20:43

I wouldn’t have assumed the cake was pudding.

dinmin · 13/04/2024 20:44

Does she usually do / eat / like birthday cake? For kids’ birthdays as well as adults?

maybe if not then she wasn’t keen on eating something that a kid has quite probably spat all over while blowing out candles?

Mischance · 13/04/2024 20:46

I am struggling to work out what the problem is and why you were rude to her

Thinkbiglittleone · 13/04/2024 20:48

It does sound a bit weird that your DM knew a child's birthday cake was there and opted to offer out apple pie whilst you were out of the room.
Also weird once it's raised that the birthday cake was (obviously) to be used to celebrate the 6 year olds birthday instead of apple pie, she didn't respond with no, I don't have a lighter but I normally have matches,in order to help with the obvious.

You may have been a bit short with your "well matches then" but that's what I would probably do, although my DM (if still around) would have wanted to help and wanted to sing happy birthday to her grandchild. You said thank you and left, absolutely fine,

Roastiesarethebestbit · 13/04/2024 20:50

I can’t see the big deal. She told you she’d bought a pie. She then dished up the pie. You had some cake, and so
did your siblings. You all sang happy birthday. This all sounds fairly standard to me. Family birthdays in my family always have pudding AND birthday cake! Excessive maybe, but it’s a party! Sorry but it sounds like you were being ungrateful and a bit of a drama lama/reverting to teenager.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2024 20:52

Mischance · 13/04/2024 20:46

I am struggling to work out what the problem is and why you were rude to her

Getting rid of your daughter's dinner before she even had a chance to finish eating is just the tip of the iceberg. You struggle to see how that's odd and very rude?

splashofcolour · 13/04/2024 20:55

LittleBearPad · 13/04/2024 20:43

I wouldn’t have assumed the cake was pudding.

Really? I'd be sick at the thought of both...

comfyshoes2022 · 13/04/2024 20:57

Cbljgdpk · 13/04/2024 20:33

It does sound odd; why did they clear the table if you hadn’t finished? It does sound like your DM wanted apple pie over the cake and I don’t really understand why. Perhaps she doesn’t like the cakes you make? But very odd way to avoid eating it.

I agree with this. It’s weird behaviour. Like obviously a six year old is going to be sad she’s not getting a cake with candles.

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