To wonder if I’m parenting really badly or are three year olds just like this?

[Horrible3]

Mine isn’t too bad when it’s just me. If someone else - mostly dad but anyone really - is around, he’s horrible to me.

Mostly he ignores me if I ask a question. I have to keep asking to get a response.

The ignoring me is really a problem, today for instance we were on a green and I said to him that we’d just quickly go to the toilets and he just walked off and kept walking. I was following him repeatedly saying his name. Touched his shoulder and he shouted ‘get OFF me.’ He often shouts this or ‘stop it mummy’ if I hold his hand or whatever.

He snatches things, pulls my hair and speaks to me like shit. I don’t expect perfect manners at this age obviously but it really gets me down.

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong, I speak nicely to him and others. I do correct him and discipline him but it’s hard as he doesn’t really care about much and the firmer you get the more defiant he becomes, just laughs at you

Mine went through a similar stage at just gone three. It's getting a lot better now as they near 4

Sounds very familiar. Particularly being much easier when with just one adult!

This really sounds like my three year old, especially your last sentence. I've been wondering the same about poor parenting but now I'm hopeful it's three year olds in general?
I've no advice, but sounds like we're going through the same thing.

Honestly mines 4 and getting a bit better as time goes on. I think a lot of parenting is just reinforcing whats ok and whats not ok and gritting your teeth and getting through whatever phase they are going through now.

What I found effective with DD is a warning on exactly what behaviour would be considered crossing the line (hitting in her case) while we are out and first time she stepped over it I brought her home immediately. Then next time you go out, give the warning and remind them that last time you took them home. Dd ended up going home after 20 minutes the first time and there wasn’t a second time.

Theres a reason they are call threenagers. Mines turned four and slowly improving now but I basically had to let a lot of things go.

There were somethings that we had to be very strict with (even physically restraining and raised voices) that are zero tolerance though. Road safety, violence towards sibling. Running off in public etc.

Thanks. I’m so glad it isn’t just me.

To be fair he doesn’t run off so much as walk - it’s just as if he doesn’t hear you (although he does.) I can’t say he’s always pleasant to DH but I definitely get the brunt of the behaviour and while I know, safe space and all that it’s so hurtful.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, and I’m sure you’re a good parent. To be honest this doesn’t sound like very typical behaviour to me but it sounds like others think so. I might try talking to his caregivers about it or the HV.

His caregivers?

I have a 3 year old son and don’t recognise behaviour anywhere near this bad. I would be extremely concerned if he acted in such a manner.

My DD was an absolute dream for 3 years. Slept amazing as a baby, no tantrums or terrible twos. I was fucking SMUG and felt like the best mum in the world and that parenting just came naturally to me polishes knuckles on shoulders
My DD had her 3rd birthday and a switch was flicked overnight. She would not do as she was told, would not (still doesn't) listen, pulled my hair, hit me, laughed when I told her off. She's 3 and a half now. We have challenging days and I shout too much but she is beginning to develop some empathy and says sorry when she knows she has upset me. I havent got any advice really as I'm not sure I'm doing it right myself but just letting you know it's all normal and to hang in there xxx

My 3 yo is lovely for me. Mostly calm, sweet and follows instructions.

hes awful when his dad is around, says he doesn’t like me, stop talking to me. Says no to everything.

@Hoolahooploop that sounds so similar! I wonder what it is? I have him three days a week, he’s fine - the odd moment if you like but mostly he’s lovely and he is very well behaved at nursery and he goes to a couple of classes where he behaves and follows instructions, he seems like a lovely child. Then comes the weekend and he is just so awful to me

Does he behave this way most of the time, or just when he's tired or hungry?

He behaviour does strike me as rather defiant and rude, even for a developing three year old. What consequences do you have for rudeness, disobedience or hurting? Are there any local parenting courses your HV could recommend? Do you go to any toddler groups and talk to others about parenting?

Sorry- cross posted. If he just behaves like this at the weekend, I'd worry a lot less. Work out if it's the change in routine or tiredness or what throws him off and try to support him.

It’s not just yours but sadly I have no advice!

It’s quite hard to have consequences as he doesn’t really care about much! Of course, there are some immediate consequences I can impose like if he’s being silly with a toy then the toy is removed and similar but I don’t think he’d connect (say) walking away from me with no TV later or equivalent.

We do go to groups. I don’t think I’ve had any in depth discussions re parenting but I do know others have their struggles. It’s hard to say what’s normal and what isn’t. At groups DS appears to mostly be a lovely boy. It’s when we’re out as a family problems emerge.

It’s reassuring though!

Mine hasn't pulled my hair but she struggles in classes as has no interest in following instructions. She knows how to make fun though ...like she will pull a funny face with another kid or poke one of them and encourage them to chase her. It's like everything is a fun game to her. She also runs off. I don't think it's my parenting because his older sibling is so calm and very compliant.

Our almost 3 year old is similar. Will purposefully ignore me if she doesn’t like what I’m saying, and will tell me to go away or to stop talking. But never when it’s just us, only if my DP is there.

They can be so challenging. Mine seems so mean to me. But is actually lovely when it’s just us. I can’t work it out at all. The hair pulling started as him just pretending to give me a haircut which was quite cute but then he was pulling so I reminded him it hurt people to pull hair and he just looked right at me and did it again

I’m honestly really reassured it’s not just us. I’ve no idea what it is though.

Yes, mine is identical, it's like having a moody teenager. Also my two close friends' 3 yo are exactly the same. So unless we are all terrible parents I think it is just a threenager thing!

but then he was pulling so I reminded him it hurt people to pull hair and he just looked right at me and did it again

That's classic testing behaviour. He was curious about seeing your reaction. Testing cause and effect. Very normal development.

I read an article the other day about the challenge they have in the transition between nursery and home when you go to collect them because their brains struggle to compute the clash of two different environments. So that's why they often go silent when they are being dropped off or picked up. Maybe there's something similar with the two parent dynamic, their brains can't properly compute their feelings for both parents at the same time so they just either go on ignore mode or angry meltdown mode!

You have no idea how happy I am to see these replies! Currently having similar with my just turned 3yo. It’s like talking to a brick wall most days and he is so defiant it’s like he turned 3 and had a personality transplant, let’s hope it’s just a phase!! 😅