To wonder if I’m parenting really badly or are three year olds just like this?

[Horrible3]

Mine isn’t too bad when it’s just me. If someone else - mostly dad but anyone really - is around, he’s horrible to me.

Mostly he ignores me if I ask a question. I have to keep asking to get a response.

The ignoring me is really a problem, today for instance we were on a green and I said to him that we’d just quickly go to the toilets and he just walked off and kept walking. I was following him repeatedly saying his name. Touched his shoulder and he shouted ‘get OFF me.’ He often shouts this or ‘stop it mummy’ if I hold his hand or whatever.

He snatches things, pulls my hair and speaks to me like shit. I don’t expect perfect manners at this age obviously but it really gets me down.

I don’t know where I’ve gone wrong, I speak nicely to him and others. I do correct him and discipline him but it’s hard as he doesn’t really care about much and the firmer you get the more defiant he becomes, just laughs at you

Very normal, but I sense your consequences could be stronger. Say you’re out walking in a park, then you pick him up and take him straight home. Sure it spoils a trip out, but otherwise they just learn they can just do what they like.

He’s testing his limits and he does it with you because he feels very secure with you.

I really know this doesn’t make it any better for you but he clearly feels very safe with you! He’ll grow out of it. And it’s completely right to keep explaining to him that he can’t hurt you/be rude etc.

People talk about the terrible twos, but mine were fine age 2. Age 3 however, was an absolute horror stage.

We found age 3-5 extremely challenging. Lots of throwing, defiant behaviour, shouting and hitting. It's getting much better now and at 5.5 I'm hopeful we're through to the other side... Until the next phase...!

Read "How to talk so kids will listen" by Faber and Mazlish...it's a Mumsnet recommendation by many many posters if you do a "search" on the title. I read it a bit late when my children were much older and I bitterly regret it, so informative and helpful. If only I had known!!

I’ve got how to talk so little kids will listen. I don’t know if it’s helpful for children closer to the age bracket it’s recommended for (2-7) but I didn’t find it at all helpful. A three year old having a meltdown over his trains coming apart is told ‘you feel frustrated because the trains come apart’ and he nods and doesn’t have a meltdown. Then they draw how he feels. Perhaps that would work for some children, I don’t know, but while I know you’re supposed to validate feelings it hasn’t made much difference here (‘you feel angry because we’ve had to leave the park’ when you have a child red faced with fury - I’m sure if they could they’d yell back ‘no shit Sherlock’.) And if mine was pissed off already ‘draw how you feel’ would see crayons lobbed across the room.

It's about validating, rather than placating, or plain arguing with their point of view. It does take a bit of tweaking and time (you can't rush validation unfortunately)

I seem to remember it cuts out a lot of verbiage from child parent interactions, most of which the child can't take in, and you have to make what you are communicating in the moment, clearer. So "coat, then park "(cheerfully) rather than "let's put your coat on shall we and go to the park"

I think you are meant to say...positive not negative validation. So...you wish you could stay longer in the park, yes that would be so great, what would you do if you stayed longer, go up to the sky on the swings or run three miles to the gate? Tomorrow/Thursday we can see how high you can go."..wait for answer...That sort of stuff.

As opposed to "don't be silly we have to go home now it's getting late and if we don't go now it's going to rain/supper won't be ready/no time for bedtime story"