Mother-in-Law and step-grandson

[Naivegran]

I am one of those mothers-in-law that mumsnet hates but don’t know where to turn.
I am 72 years old and until my husband’s death four years ago I had a really blessed life. Because of this my sister and cousin feel that I can’t deal with conflict.

My younger son’s wife is amazing, she’s the daughter I never had. She is open, honest and laid back, I have unfettered access to my grandchildren who I adore. Without being outing she comes from a socialist background and she and her parents are highly educated and her father’s job/ vocation brings him into contact with troubled families.

About 4 years ago eldest son’s marriage broke up and he began a new relationship about two and a half years ago so I began a relationship with my beautiful bonus grandson. A lovely quirky little boy.

Early on Eldest son was invited to a party by younger son, he asked if his new family could come . Daughter in Law said yes to partner but not to child even though it was a family party. He did actually come but Daughter-in-Law wouldn’t allow my son to take his eyes off my granddaughters.

Daughter-in-Law absolutely refuses to allow her daughters to have a relationship with step-grandson and if he so much as goes into garden with the girls she goes crazy. She has a complete personality change in his presence.

I have no intention of challenging her on this but my younger son is mortified. She believes a young step child is a safeguarding risk to her children. There is absolutely no indication that this beautiful 9 year old is any danger to anyone whatsoever.

Do you strangers on the net think I am naive? My sister and wider family think I am a little naive generally but not necessarily about this but they think that Daughter-in-Law’s background makes her hyper-sensitive to potential dangers.

She has never said that he has given her occasion to Worry her but it’s all potential. My son won’t challenge her so his relationship with my other son is damaged.

Sounds as though your dil has done a good job of hiding her prejudices. There must be a reason she is behaving like she is, but until she says what it is you can only re assess your previously very positive impression of her.

You will need to decide how this affects family relationships and get together from now on, but I would not want to be complicit in the ostracising of a small child , especially when it comes to inviting him to my own home.

Hi op. Anyone who knows me here knows I'm not a fan of inalws but actually listening to you its clear. You don't sound like one of those mils. Believe me I have one and she wouldn't have cared less about a step grand child but it sounds like you have been more then welcoming. I personally think that your position as the mil does mean you can speak up, not to impose rules but to just to ask.. what is the issue. I'm just thinking surely as ppl who sound like that they have experience in safe guarding that means they also have the ablity to take risk assessments. Why would the said child pose a risk in front of the whole family.. I'd understand if she didn't want them to play alone but she could easily implement this without alerting anyone to her actions. Maybe a heart to heart with you might explain her issues.

What reason is given for your daughter-in-law’s response?
Why is she so convinced that this child is a safeguarding risk?
Does she have a similar response to any other children / people?
it does seem an extreme position.

This is just nuts. It's really irrational and weird behaviour and, unfortunately, people often get away with being this way because people are scared/too polite to call others out on it. There are so many families made dysfunctional just because people were too scared to say, 'That's unkind behaviour.'

So your DIL has an issue with a random 9 year old child for some reason and refuses to allow this child any access to her life or her children. The child is her BIL's stepson?

I find this very odd. Does she refuse to allow any other children near her children? I assume her DDs are significantly younger?

I would suggest having a word with your son. Ask him if he understands this issue or if there's something more going on. If you can't get to the bottom of it, then it may be that you respect her desire not to allow tihs child into her home, but of course, you need feel no obligation to change YOUR behaviour - so continue to engage with your older son and his family, invite them to your home etc.

I think it's lovely that you care. This poor 9 year old boy. What on earth has he done to warrant that treatment. Dil sounds pretty unpleasant so far. Maybe there's more to the story.

You use the word quirky to describe him. Is he obviously different or autistic do you know. I know some adults don't always appreciate their little angels playing with kids who are different.

All you can really do is gently, kindly enquire. Being the MIL you're at risk of being punished by the DiL if you annoy her too much by the sounds of it.

Sounds nuts, surely her girls mix with random kids at school and activities.
Is it some sort of loyalty to the previous wife?

I think you would be better to stay out of this OP. Maintain your existing good relationship with both your sons. Continue to be kind to your step-grandson. Let your two sons sort this out between them. Say you're not getting involved if anyone asks your opinion.

I have no intention of speaking to her about this. I wouldn’t want to compromise my relationship with her. I have however spoken to my son, her husband. He has said that she has nothing against the child but thinks that stepchildren from disturbed backgrounds can be potentially pose a safeguarding risk. I have spoken openly with my sister, cousin and her daughter as I am upset. They tended to side with daughter-in-law’s cautious position.

Elder son has also spoken to me about the situation but new daughter-in-law never has.
My bonus grandchild’s father is in a well thought of profession who was controlling and dictatorial at home which left grandson nervous and anxious. I love him dearly obviously not in the same way as my granddaughters but he is a nerdy little thing who reminds me of me when I was little.

The two boys don’t socialise with their families at all now.

My younger daughter-in-law in the ten years that I have known her has never indicated to me that she is anything other than lovely and sane. I was the envy of all my family and friends.

This is spot on. Or what happens it's usually one person who isn't afraid to speak up and gets shunned for doing so.

What do you mean by "disturbed". It sounds like the mum got away from an abusive man. This family deserves not only support, but kudos for trying to change and improve things. Pity your DIL can't see that.

Your sons not socialising together is a shame but not the end of the world. I never socialise with my brother! The important thing is for you to maintain a good relationship with each of them separately.

How do you define 'quirky', OP?

What do you mean by ‘quirky’? Seems an odd way to describe a child. Can’t your sons socialise without the kids?

Good heavens. Almost by definition, step-children will likely have had some trauma in their lives, either the break-up of their parents or death of one. I'm really thankful that my brothers and sister did not view my step-children as threats to their children. Or that my step-aunts and step-uncles did not view me that way when I was a young step-child.

I think it all bullshit and a cover for not wanting anyone muscling in on her family
if it wasn’t this trumped up reason it’s be something else

I think it sounds like she has been hiding behind her real personality.. or has come across step children before who were not to her liking and is taring them all with same brush.. could also believe her daughters are too precious..
My daughter came out two years ago.. she has a son.. she's now with a lovely woman who has two daughters.. I've now gained two wonderful step granddaughters and l feel well blessed.. l don't know what advice l can offer you.. surely her own father in his job would be understanding?

Good for you for showing care, kindness and compassion. You sound like a great step GM for the little boy and it's lovely to hear that you are fond of him. You can only entertain them separately going forward based on all you've said.

Without concrete evidence of any seriously concerning behaviour, she sounds appalling to me to be honest. Poor little boy. I feel sad for him. He probably senses she disliked him. If he's ' quirky ' he probably sees bullshit straight away. Best for him he doesn't come into contact with her.

There is no evidence of autism at all. He is just a very sweet little boy.

My granddaughters are a little younger. The first evidence of my daughter-in-law’s position was actually at the younger granddaughter’s christening. Elder son was invited alone. She said partner could come but couldn’t accommodate child. He then asked his brother ( I know this is contentious behaviour on mumsnet) and child came. She insisted my son stayed in garden looking after children.
on another occasion we were all at the house and grandson was with his father. He then knocked the door as his father had dropped him off and she had a holy fit in kitchen to son asking if he thought it appropriate that a controlling jerk now knew where they lived.
My former daughter-in-law was lovely but in a very different way. The two weren’t close and I don’t believe for one minute this is some sort of misplaced loyalty to her. She ended marriage as my son went back on a promise to move as his father’s death made him rethink things.

I think it's possible that your DIL experienced something bad as a child, from an older male family member.

I have no intention of speaking to her about this. I wouldn’t want to compromise my relationship with her.

Do you really want a relationship with an adult who treats a child in that way?

If I was your eldest son and saw you essentially backing her (because not challenging her and closing your eyes to her behaviour is giving that message) then I would be questioning if I wanted my family around you

I'm going to go with other posters who have suggested that daughter in law has experienced something as a child that she now wants to protect her daughter's from. Perhaps she was abused by a step-cousin and is projecting those fears onto this situation.

I don't see how a boy would pose a safeguarding threat at a family gathering with plenty of adults around.

Yes, there was the horrendous murder of Rosie May - and I'm wondering if that is playing on her mind (but the murderer was 18, not 9). And other abuse out of sight of adults would also be possible.

But the risk would be posed just as much by friends from school or clubs (and those friends' siblings) and unless she is going to sharply limit her DDs social lives, then the possibility of harm remains.

I suspect there has to be a fairly direct link to abuse or attack, and this has re-surfaced and become attached (wrongly) to the DSS

Obviously nobody actually knows what goes on in someone’s life but I genuinely don’t think anything so horrendous has happened.
I think her family’s professional background makes her hyper aware.
She’s a lovely woman who has a lovely close family who have always been welcoming and kind to me.
My elder granddaughter has a full life and mixes with others.
Something literally just came into my head, when I began volunteering she did ask me about my training etc I think she has a professional interest.

My cousin’s daughter was present when I broke down about this As I said they all were definitely biased in favour of my daughter-in-law’s position but acknowledged she seemed extreme.

My cousin’s daughter has a job which makes her have an opinion about step families but this position is based on multiple step relatives that are always changing not one little boy in a stable family who was only six when we met him.
I accept that I will just have to see them separately and I might be a bit precious about us all being together.

Was the boy’s father controlling/ abusive etc? Is there a specific reason she was anxious that he now knows where she lives? If so then I can understand why she is anxious and it sounds like boundaries are being overstepped if he is coming to her home.

You say the boy is sweet but you also say ‘quirky’ - what do you mean by this?