Mother-in-Law and step-grandson

[Naivegran]

I am one of those mothers-in-law that mumsnet hates but don’t know where to turn.
I am 72 years old and until my husband’s death four years ago I had a really blessed life. Because of this my sister and cousin feel that I can’t deal with conflict.

My younger son’s wife is amazing, she’s the daughter I never had. She is open, honest and laid back, I have unfettered access to my grandchildren who I adore. Without being outing she comes from a socialist background and she and her parents are highly educated and her father’s job/ vocation brings him into contact with troubled families.

About 4 years ago eldest son’s marriage broke up and he began a new relationship about two and a half years ago so I began a relationship with my beautiful bonus grandson. A lovely quirky little boy.

Early on Eldest son was invited to a party by younger son, he asked if his new family could come . Daughter in Law said yes to partner but not to child even though it was a family party. He did actually come but Daughter-in-Law wouldn’t allow my son to take his eyes off my granddaughters.

Daughter-in-Law absolutely refuses to allow her daughters to have a relationship with step-grandson and if he so much as goes into garden with the girls she goes crazy. She has a complete personality change in his presence.

I have no intention of challenging her on this but my younger son is mortified. She believes a young step child is a safeguarding risk to her children. There is absolutely no indication that this beautiful 9 year old is any danger to anyone whatsoever.

Do you strangers on the net think I am naive? My sister and wider family think I am a little naive generally but not necessarily about this but they think that Daughter-in-Law’s background makes her hyper-sensitive to potential dangers.

She has never said that he has given her occasion to Worry her but it’s all potential. My son won’t challenge her so his relationship with my other son is damaged.

Just read your posts, op, not all the replies.

You sound like a lovely mother in law.

Am I right in understanding your new bonus grandchild is your son's stepson?

Either way I think your daughter in law is very threatened by this boy, fearing that he'll take attention and love from her children. I don't know why she assumes this boy is troubled or comes from a troubled background?

She has a clear prejudice against him as a result of this real or imagined background however and I the way she's treating him - a child - is disgusting.

No child should be actively and obviously excluded like this.

Your son, her husband, needs to find out if she's worried about her daughters' position ad grandchildren being threatened or exactly what her issue is with this boy, it isn't fair on anyone else otherwise.

I also think that when hosting family events at any home which isn't hers, she doesn't get to call the shots and insist this boy is kept away from them. You can foster a warm & inclusive family between you all.

Is your DiL homeschooling her children? To be honest it just seems like she's making up irrational worries as a cover for the fact that she's a pretty nasty woman.

This extreme prejudice against step-families exhibited by your DIL and cousin's daughter does seem odd to me, OP, considering how prevalent they are in today's world. Troubled families exist in all guises, including non-blended families.

Is it possible that she has seen official documentation or records about his background that she doesn’t want to share with the wider family?

You say she’s a lovely and warm person but she’s quite literally ostracizing A CHILD. How is that a lovely and warm thing to do?!

Either she knows something you don’t and she cannot tell you (could be about your stepgrand child’s family rather than about him specifically) or she has experienced or seen something horrific happen in a similar situation with older non blood relative family and young girls and she is projecting that situation on to her family life now. Putting her husband in charge of supervising the kids is quite reasonable, especially if there is a element that she knows is not totally fair or rational in her attitude towards this specific child - your son is probably a kinder more fair supervisor in this situation.
If she’s generally a kind person I wouldn’t push things. It’s probably better that the kids have limited contact.
Families are complicated sometimes. Whatever her problem is, it’s probably not the 9yr old’s fault. But it may be asking far too much to expect her to pretend there is no problem. Just because you’re not being told what the problem is, it doesn’t mean there isn’t a serious issue merits caution.

This was my thought. Surely the daughters socialise with other children and some must be from a similar background to your step grandson?
It's a very sad situation. And very judgemental of your daughter in law to assume this child is a risk just by being at the same family event as her children

Either her family who work with disadvantaged children are not as nice as you think and may look down on the people they work with? Or she has in some capacity seen information about your step grandsons family that she is not sharing.

I am afraid it sounds like prejudice to me at this point. It puts you in a difficult position as clearly you want both your sons and their families to socialise and be happy together. I think I would encourage your sons to discuss this and try to get to the bottom of the situation.

There’s no point trying to get to the bottom of the situation if the issue is connected to something the DIL is not officially allowed to know, or that she cannot discuss with people who are not involved.
It’s possible they all know already but cannot discuss it with OP.
It’s also possibly related to the DIL’s own traumatic experience that it’s not fair to ask her to discuss.

I agree with this.

I’m sorry but I don’t think your daughter in law sounds a very nice person at all unless she definitely knows something that you don’t.
We have a very blended family of grandchildren from both sides and all get on great, why would they be more of a risk than children they come across at school who come from broken families? Has the poor boy ever done anything to upset or worry anyone?
Personally I think her behaviour is cruel and that someone, maybe her husband, should question her on it before the little boy becomes aware of the situation himself especially as you say he is already nervous and anxious, you can’t let him feel he has done something wrong if he hasn’t.

I’m going to go against the grain here. I think it’s possible that your daughter in law has more information than you know about your step grandson situation but that it would be inappropriate or cause family tension to share it with you . If this is the first instance you’ve experienced of her being cautious or protective about time her children spend then I think it’s possibly that. You don’t say what the age gap is between all the children? This would be a factor in how unsupervised by adults play is allowed to be in many families regardless if you didn’t fully know the other child that well.

I think its worth mentioning that just because DIL is nice to you OP doesn't actually mean she is a nice person. Even the worst among us are nice to those they like, or who they can get something from, or who they can't afford to upset. Everyone is nice to the right people. It's how we treat people that we have no obligation towards that reflects on us.

It's possible she was abused by a family friend and cant see past that, or that she has other information you don't have. however, based on what you know of the situation she is excluding and discriminating against a child simply because they have experienced trauma. That's pretty gross if you ask me.

The first thing that immediately popped into my head is that she could potentially be abusing her children and is overcompensating but I acknowledge that's a heck of a leap and a hefty allegation. Perhaps I'm pessimistic

Your DIL is a bitch.

What a unpleasant thing to post. I don't agree with the DIL, but I think there is more to this as her actions are extreme.

I personally wouldn't allow pre-verbal children and older children to play together completely unsupervised unless they are biological siblings that live under the same roof full time... but even then I think there should be a decent level of monitoring. Kids are fragile, and need guidance.

If your granddaughters aren't old enough to fully and comprehensively understand what is inappropriate play/language, and also aren't able to reliably report it back to an adult should they see/hear anything like that, then I agree that they shouldn't be left unsupervised with ANY older children.

The step-grandson shouldn't be ostracized, though. They should all just be supervised properly by an adult being able to clearly see or clearly hear them (ideally both). Should be pretty easy with so many adults around.

Your DIL sounds like she's been affected by something traumatic she's been through/witnessed/heard about, and this boy has reminded her of that, so now he feels like a threat. That doesn't make her a terrible person at all. It sounds like she's stressed about the possibility of something terrible happening to her girls, too. She likely feels powerless to protect them because this boy is no direct relation to her. He's essentially a stranger. She can't control this situation without looking like an unhinged monster to everyone...

I feel for her. Best thing you can do is NOT make her feel like a maniac for wanting to protect her girls, and keep the kids completely supervised when they're together. DIL will relax a bit once her girls have the vocabulary and understanding to report anything concerning back to her.

Rude and pointless post.

Agree that DIL has been affected by something thing she has likely heard. Could it possibly be she knows something about the background trauma from her father? It does seem like an extreme response and out of character.

If the DIL's father has given her confidential information about your step grandson that he learned during the course of his employment please report him immediately you find out if this is the case.

what a nut job. Given 50% of marriages end in divorce her children will be mixing with step children all the time.