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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit horrified by DHs suggestion that he works from home FT?

163 replies

Thecatisannoying · 13/04/2024 13:19

I know I’ll probably get flamed but it’s awful.

You can’t just relax, constant one sided conversations, constant awareness of his presence, winding the children up by being in and out and out and in, no play dates, can’t do anything involving noise (so nothing basically)

I work three days a week. At the moment he wfh two days but five days a week no respite at all??

OP posts:
BigFatPuddingMonster · 13/04/2024 13:22

A comment I read on a thread about this resonated with me and I used it with DH when he was WFH and complaining about noise. Something along the lines of "You're working in our home. I'm not living in your workplace." He hasn't complained since and I crack on with whatever I have to do.

Tarmacadamia · 13/04/2024 13:24

Oh god, the one-sided conversations! On days when DH and I both work from home I always end up wanting to kill him, he's constantly plonking himself down opposite me and yabbering on about something only he's interested in, oblivious to the fact that I'm, you know, working....(Even when I'm typing and looking at the screen and just going um hmm).

DeedlessIndeed · 13/04/2024 13:24

DH WFH full time, and it's not too bad, but only because he takes himself away from noise and goings on in the house. Noise cancelling headphones and an office/desk space out of the way is the only way to get through it I think.

Original poster
Thecatisannoying · 13/04/2024 13:24

But it feels different. I might not be doing anything different but it feels it.

OP posts:
user12343333333334 · 13/04/2024 13:27

It signalled the end of my marriage. Ex was a nightmare anyway. But I had no respite from him at all when he started wfh 5 days a week. Final nail.
We had to be silent. I couldn't ask him a question without him exploding at me that he was busy. Couldn't hoover or play music.
He had a study, but insisted on working at the dining table.
Demanding snacks, tea break, lunch to order. Like I was running a fucking cafe.
Sorry, I'm sure things will be fine. But you need to set your boundaries asap.

Dalesfun · 13/04/2024 13:28

YANBU. How big is your house - eg does your DH have an office far away enough from family rooms that he can be separated (noise and all)? Ideally office shed at the bottom of the garden!

Original poster
Thecatisannoying · 13/04/2024 13:30

That’s awful @user12343333333334

He wouldn’t be that bad but I just find it so oppressive and invasive when he’s working at home.

@Dalesfun i get that it might seem like the answer but I can sense his presence wherever .

OP posts:
Tiswa · 13/04/2024 13:30

DH works from home but he is away upstairs and the house goes ahead as nromal

I would say to him that it is his prerogative to do so but he cannot and you will not let it rule the house - noise will be made pkaydates will be had and if he can’t handle that he needs to go to the office

Applebyapples · 13/04/2024 13:31

I think you're prob not being reasonable, how long is his commute and what's the cost of his commute? However it is def unreasonable for him to expect silence while he works, you need to make it clear that if he works from home he is choosing to work in a family home and there will be family noise, playdates etc...whether he works there 2 days per week or 5!

enchantedsquirrelwood · 13/04/2024 13:32

I'm a big WFH fan but I do prefer it when my husband goes into the office. WFH full time is too much - you need a bit of time to yourself as well.

I'd suggest he goes into the office at least a day a week.

Original poster
Thecatisannoying · 13/04/2024 13:32

It’s me who can’t handle it. We had a play date when he was here: setting the table with mats and tablecloth like it was Christmas lunch, fussing about this and that.

I honestly think our marriage wouldn’t survive it.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 13/04/2024 13:38

Does he have an office or somewhere he can work? Why is he keen to WFH, can he go to a communal workspace or something if he’s not keen to go to the office?

Fraaahnces · 13/04/2024 13:41

i’d end up poisoning mine… no way. Absence absolutely does make the heart grow fonder. At least 8 hrs a day is the bare minimum.

Love51 · 13/04/2024 13:43

We both work hybrid and each take leave to care for the kids when the other is wfh. Also they come home from school to a house where people are working. Husband went through a phase of interviewing a lot of people online. My policy is that we are wfh, we haven't taken the kids to the workplace. If he's interviewing he uses the upstairs spare bedroom as this means he gets privacy, I usually use it as a lot of my work is confidential. He tends to work downstairs but wears headphones.
It only works because we are considerate and communicate. We also bring each other drinks but leave them outside the room if we aren't sure! Lunch breaks don't always match but sometimes he makes my lunch for me to eat after. It can be really nice but also odd because our stressful times don't match.

VestibuleVirgin · 13/04/2024 13:44

It is phenomenally difficult, even if they are in an office in the garden!
Run. Run for the hills!

GingerIsBest · 13/04/2024 13:44

winding the children up by being in and out and out and in, no play dates, can’t do anything involving noise (so nothing basically)

This is your problem. If he's WFH and it means you can't do all these things, then there's a problem. If he's making you feel that way, the problem is with him. If it's all in your head, then I sympathise, but you need to get over it.

YouveGotAFastCar · 13/04/2024 13:48

Thecatisannoying · 13/04/2024 13:32

It’s me who can’t handle it. We had a play date when he was here: setting the table with mats and tablecloth like it was Christmas lunch, fussing about this and that.

I honestly think our marriage wouldn’t survive it.

I think this is the unreasonable bit.

It’s fine to say he needs to work out of the way and be mindful that it’s your home, and even that he needs to work out of the home somewhere when you’ve got planned play dates etc… but saying your marriage wouldn’t survive knowing he was anywhere on the premises?

That makes it sound like it’s on its last legs anyway. It’s really unreasonable and quite hurtful. At that point, you are just saying that you don’t want him around.

Caterina99 · 13/04/2024 13:50

I was a sahm when kids were little and DH hot footed it back to the office pretty much as soon as he could after covid. Whilst it was nice in many ways having him home, it was stressful for all of us having to accommodate him working (our house didn’t have an upstairs study he could shut the door on) with preschool age kids in the house.

He does wfh fairly often now, but the kids are at school now and are also old enough to understand not to disturb him too much.

SOxon · 13/04/2024 13:53

I’m recalling Prof Kelly in South Korea, when his children, toddler & baby on walker invaded his study when he was on a video call and Mum attempting to extricate them.

@BigFatPuddingMonster identified the situation succinctly.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 13/04/2024 14:17

I WFH full time and have done so for almost 10 years. Unless you live alone, it's only viable IMO if you have a room that can be dedicated to being the workspace. I'm fortunate to have that and my wife (now retired and previously only part time) barely sees me. I for my part can work without disturbance. I think if I had to work in the kitchen or living room she'd probably have burried me under the patio by now and I can't say I'd blame her. So you are absolutely not being unreasonable. It's a home first and foremost and all those who live in it have a right to enjoy it as such.

With the ongoing drive for employees to return to the office, and the clear benefits to some of hybrid or full WFH, I think it would be really useful for employers to factor in whether employees have a suitable home environment before deciding if WFH is appropriate. That would save lots of couples/families arguing over the impact on home life.

Universalsnail · 13/04/2024 14:35

The worse thing that happened to my relationship was my partner deciding he was working from home full time. Made home life unbearable. We didn't have a room for him to work. Eventually resulted in me having to move out

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 13/04/2024 14:44

My DH works from home most of the time. He's in the study with noise cancelling headphones on. If we've got lots of friends over all day (as we do in the Easter holidays), he takes his laptop over to his mums and works there. The only problem we've had is with some visiting kids going into the study.

fieldsofbutterflies · 13/04/2024 14:46

YANBU. A home is a home, it's not an office space. WFH has lots of advantages but this definitely isn't one of them.

I think if he's going to do it, he needs to have a dedicated work space and not pop in and out all day long. He can have a kettle/mini fridge in there for drinks and snacks so he doesn't keep wandering into the kitchen and disturbing you and the DC.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 13/04/2024 14:49

Thecatisannoying · 13/04/2024 13:32

It’s me who can’t handle it. We had a play date when he was here: setting the table with mats and tablecloth like it was Christmas lunch, fussing about this and that.

I honestly think our marriage wouldn’t survive it.

Tell him how you feel as he may feel the same soon as you tell him and you both get a second chance at life

If I felt like that re my OH, I'd tell them

TwilightSkies · 13/04/2024 14:50

Just act like he’s not there. It’s the only way to survive.
Hes making the choice to work in the home. I’m sure he has other options.
Carry on doing what you need to do.