To cancel DC's first birthday party

[Squigglesy]

DC's first birthday party is on Sunday. It was going to be a big party of 60 people of all our relatives. It's a cultural thing to throw a big bash for a first birthday party.

DH's uncle passed away today. He's been poorly for a while and my MIL (his sister) was his main carer and they lived together (both widowed). DH is not close to his uncle and thinks it's appropriate that we go ahead with the party (mostly because of how much money we'd lose).
We organised the party with the thinking that it was DC's first ever birthday party and didn't mind pushing the boat out.
The following are fully paid and we can't get refunded
Cake -£350
Favours- £300
Decor - £600
Venue and food - £500 deposit paid and would be paying £55 x 65 guests on the day (100% of that needs to be paid for late cancellation)

We are Muslim which means the funeral must be done asap. There is an effort for it to happen today (Saturday) but it might also happen on Sunday (day of the party).

I think it would be very unsympathetic to go ahead with the party. I think my MIL would be very hurt. We went to visit her today and she was understandably in pieces. All her siblings were there too as were DH's cousins. They're all also invited to the party but all assumed we've cancelled the party.

DH thinks we should go ahead with the party without his family (15 guests). I don't know how I'd look them in the eye if we went ahead with it. They're such a close knit family (except DH who isn't too bothered about them) AIBU to want to postpone/cancel?

I would postpone. Just because your DH doesn't care, doesn't mean the rest of the guests wouldn't find it uncomfortable.

I would postpone, awfully about the money but the whole point of a celebration is your family is there.

Postpone, respect for your husbands mum, if nothing else.

Does the venue have insurance you could claim in?

Im not sure it could go ahead with a same day funeral.

Have you called the venue to explain?

Postpone. I get that the first birthday is a big deal - same with my culture. And because it is a big deal, it’s not really appropriate to have such a big party when someone has just died, especially if it’s on the same day as the burial.

It would be a different story if the relative was very distant but it sounds like he was close to the family, even if your DH wasn’t that close to him.

Ask you mother in law. See what she says.

Im going to read this thread every time I feel guilty for overspending. €350 on a cake😁

Will the favours keep? Will the cake keep?

I'd ask your MIL what she thinks.
It's a tricky one for sure. Would the cake and favours etc keep?

Keep the favours and the cake and mail it out to everyone saying thanks for their understanding about the cancellation.

A cake won't "keep" what is everyone on about the family will be mourning for some period

What's your problem. Loads of people spend money on cakes.

I don’t have a problem? That cake could be for 100 people. I’m just saying I’m not going to feel guilty spending money on parties again, life is too short.

If I was your MIL I would not expect or want you to cancel my grandchild's party.

Sorry if this is insensitive but could you use the hotel booking for the funeral lunch? If it’s paid for already. Then have the birthday at a later date.

Sorry for your loss.

It’s his family, I think it’s his decision. Why wasn’t he close to his uncle who lived with his mother? Is there complicated history behind his feelings?

I think it's partly down to what your mil wants, she may say go ahead without me, or may be offended if you don't cancel.

Whichever way it goes I would take this as a lesson nobody needs decor or favours, if you hold a party in the future keep your spending on the non essentials in check (the cake price is normal for a large cake!)

Apologies if this sounds really crass but, if the funeral is to be held on Sunday, could there be some sort of gathering afterwards at the venue you booked?

If 50 of the 65 guests are DH's side of the family then you should cancel. If it was the other way around I might go ahead depending on how they felt.

Surely it depends what the cake is made of whether it will keep or not. Tradition in England was to keep the top tier of the wedding cake for first Christening. So if fruit cake will probably be okay. Fresh cream sponge, not so.

I am sorry for your loss

How very sad.
I would postpone. You can't have a birthday celebration and funeral on the same day in the same family can you?
Could you use the party food caterers for the funeral at all? Obviously not a birthday cake but if you explain what's happened, I'm sure they'd accomodate you in some way. You will need to feed people at the funeral presumably?- snd I'm sure they'd rather have your business- and return business when the birthday party or another family function does go ahead.

I'm sure you can freeze cake?
Or get them to do a plain cake instead of a birthday cake. Serve it with tea after the funeral.

How is she going to freeze a massive cake?

Much better to just accept the cake.let little one see the cake and then cut it up and mail it out

KoolKookaburra · Today 10:46
A cake won't "keep" what is everyone on about the family will be mourning for some period”

Some cakes keep for years.

It was just a suggestion!
It can be done! The cake might not be enormous! She might have a chest freezer.
Putting slices of cake in the post seems a bit much to me. Have you seen the price of postage apart from the effort it would require in the middle of a funeral!

If the cake won’t keep, I can’t imagine it will post well either