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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex out of work again, now I'm doing all pick ups and drop offs

43 replies

Anonymous37 · 12/04/2024 15:03

My ex and I split around 10yrs ago. We have a 12yo together.
He's never been the most consistent with maintenance or pick ups/drop offs; he's never held down a job for longer than a few months, he'll have a car one minute then no transport the next.
He has consistently had our son every other weekend for about the last 5yrs now. He won't have him during school holidays because "when on agency he doesn't get paid for holidays so can't take time off". I dont have the energy to argue, so it's been as it is for some years now.
He and his ex (after me) moved to live about 20 miles away a few years back. At the time he was in work and had a car, so was paying maintenance and doing pick ups/drop offs; there was a period where he argued that I should be doing 50% of the travel (either drop off, or picking up); I didn't agree to do this. He threatened court, but in the end he continued the transport.
Early last year he lost another job, and lost his car. He stopped any maintenance and also stopped the pick ups/drop offs. I did whatever drops/picks ups that I could, but whilst working a demanding job, with hectic hours, it was difficult for me to maintain this, and my ex refused to use public transport because it would take 90mins. Even though he wasn't working and had the time.
He got work again mid-part of last year for maybe 2 months, still didnt pay maintenance as he "needed every penny himself". He got a car and went back to pick ups/drop offs every other week.
Lost his job again around Aug/Sept. He held onto his car until he wrote it off in January of this year. Since then he's been expecting me to do 90% of picks ups and drop offs, and will only do one or the other if a friend or family member can help him out. If he can't get a lift, I'm expected to do all the running around, this is all whilst I'm trying to work full time and he has more free time being unemployed.
I can't maintain transport both there and back every other week because of my job, I also feel he is being unreasonable by refusing to use public transport.
I want to push hard on making him take responsibility of the pick ups/drops. I don't see any reason why he can't do this, or at least make an effort to do some part of this.
But am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
bellezarara · 12/04/2024 15:11

YANBU at all. Just stop. You don't want to get in the habit of them.

Sounds like he does like seeing his son, so I suspect he may start using public transport.

As MN says = drop the rope.

DelphiniumBlue · 12/04/2024 15:15

Of course you are not being unreasonable.
But going forward, is DS old enough to take public transport himself? At least some of the time?
Otherwise, I suppose it depends on how much you, and DS, want DS to see his father regularly. Personally I think I'd be saying "No" a lot of the time here. I can see it's difficult if DS is desperate to see his Dad, or if you need weekend childcare but otherwise I don't think I could keep this up indefinitely.

Original poster
Anonymous37 · 12/04/2024 15:18

DelphiniumBlue · 12/04/2024 15:15

Of course you are not being unreasonable.
But going forward, is DS old enough to take public transport himself? At least some of the time?
Otherwise, I suppose it depends on how much you, and DS, want DS to see his father regularly. Personally I think I'd be saying "No" a lot of the time here. I can see it's difficult if DS is desperate to see his Dad, or if you need weekend childcare but otherwise I don't think I could keep this up indefinitely.

Thanks for the feedback, really appreciate it.
It's hard when you've got them telling you how unreasonable you're being, you start to wonder..
He's only just 12 and we live in a busy city, I wouldn't feel comfortable him getting public transport. Maybe in a few years.
This is all just because my son likes to see his dad that I try what I can. But I just can't keep it up.

OP posts:
FlowersInAFlowerBed · 12/04/2024 15:22

Your child is 12.. why can't they go on their own? I wouldn't even give this head space many kids his age travel mines to secondary school

Wallywobbles · 12/04/2024 15:24

It's not your problem to solve. Ex comes by public transport and takes DS back by public transport. Next time DS can do it alone. He tells you when he get on, when he gets off. Problem solved.

Createausername1970 · 12/04/2024 15:25

Could Ex get public transport to a convenient point that is about half way, and you take DS to him?

Not ideal, but as he has done all the pick ups and drops offs in the past when he has had a car, then perhaps he will start again when he has another car?

Original poster
Anonymous37 · 12/04/2024 15:25

FlowersInAFlowerBed · 12/04/2024 15:22

Your child is 12.. why can't they go on their own? I wouldn't even give this head space many kids his age travel mines to secondary school

It's 20 miles away, and that's by car down the motorway. We're in a busy city and he'd have to get multiple trains in and out of our city centre. It's not reasonable at his age.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous37 · 12/04/2024 15:27

Createausername1970 · 12/04/2024 15:25

Could Ex get public transport to a convenient point that is about half way, and you take DS to him?

Not ideal, but as he has done all the pick ups and drops offs in the past when he has had a car, then perhaps he will start again when he has another car?

It's doubtful now that he'll get another car any time soon. I've suggested public transport lots of times, and meeting at a station, but he outright refuses.

OP posts:
Dareisayiseethesunshine · 12/04/2024 15:28

My exh lived 30 miles away. Once in secondary school dc travelled alone between the homes regularly.. Do the journey with your dc until you are both happy about it.

DeedlessIndeed · 12/04/2024 15:35

Could you start off by sending a text message or email saying that you're happy to facilitate 50% of drop offs and pick ups (or whatever you are happy with). Keep a copy.

Then just stick to it and grey rock, referring back to the original message.

If he wants to see son in the mean time then he can arrange public transport.

Original poster
Anonymous37 · 12/04/2024 15:52

Wallywobbles · 12/04/2024 15:24

It's not your problem to solve. Ex comes by public transport and takes DS back by public transport. Next time DS can do it alone. He tells you when he get on, when he gets off. Problem solved.

I love the simplicity of it.. in theory. In practise it's just not quite as simple as that.

OP posts:
allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 12/04/2024 17:52

}@Anonymous37 you shouldnt be doing any pick ups or drop off!! he is the one who moved away from the childs home area. why should you be financially penalised when he is not paying a penny and expecting you to do all the running about just because he doesnt want to catch a bus. what happens when your car is off the road or your dont have a car??

Haydenn · 12/04/2024 17:56

I vote YABU, purely because this man sounds like an absolute disaster and I would be worried about my kid’s safety. Writing off a car FFS, for anyone else I might think it’s bad luck- here I’m guessing it was his fault. I know it puts it all on you OP, and I’m sorry for that. But I would want the least involvement from this clusterfuck as possible

RandomMess · 12/04/2024 18:00

You say no, and your ex collecting and bringing back via public transport will be good practice for when your DS is old enough to do the journey part or all the way on his own.

Gettingbysomehow · 12/04/2024 18:02

Its not your job to sort out his useless arse, just say no.

MirageAC · 12/04/2024 18:03

I agree OP, I don’t think your son is old enough to travel alone for that long. Tell your ex you can no longer facilitate the pick ups- drop offs and see what he says.

paintingvenice · 12/04/2024 18:04

You don’t do the pick ups or drop offs. F he starts missing his days put in a new CMS claim based on his current reduced contact

Zimunya · 12/04/2024 18:07

paintingvenice · 12/04/2024 18:04

You don’t do the pick ups or drop offs. F he starts missing his days put in a new CMS claim based on his current reduced contact

Exactly this!

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 12/04/2024 18:16

Is it a money thing, that e.g. he can't afford to pay for your son on public transport, or all the trips? You shouldn't have to, but would offering to pay for your son's train tickets help at all?

I think it's going to be really tricky to just give a flat no if your son wants to see his dad, and unfortunately could be used against you in the future.

Daleksatemyshed · 12/04/2024 18:54

You're doing a good thing by your DS keeping his relationship with his Dad going but your Ex sounds very entitled, if he wants to see his DS he needs to stay in employment so he can afford to see him. I'd offer to maybe do the trip one way but make it clear the return journey is down to him. I'm assuming that your Ex hasn't been very unlucky with getting laid off and that it's his own fault he keeps losing his job? If it is his own fault then he has no right to bitch about you refusing to make his life easier.

Wallywobbles · 12/04/2024 18:59

My kids aged 8-12 did an hour by bus and train very regularly. It is possible and this might be the only available way to comfortably drop the rope if you kid wants to see his dad.

It's a great way to start them getting independence. We live in the arse end of nowhere. Schools in a big city.

TeenLifeMum · 12/04/2024 19:08

Wallywobbles · 12/04/2024 18:59

My kids aged 8-12 did an hour by bus and train very regularly. It is possible and this might be the only available way to comfortably drop the rope if you kid wants to see his dad.

It's a great way to start them getting independence. We live in the arse end of nowhere. Schools in a big city.

No way would I send a 12 and 8yo on their own. Just because you did it doesn’t mean it was right. 8 year olds shouldn’t be “getting independence”!

I’d say to him he’s welcome to have the dc but he has to collect from yours and when it’s time to return you pick him up to ensure he comes home. That’s 50:50 share of the responsibility.

Original poster
Anonymous37 · 12/04/2024 19:08

RandomMess · 12/04/2024 18:00

You say no, and your ex collecting and bringing back via public transport will be good practice for when your DS is old enough to do the journey part or all the way on his own.

This is a good point to make. I do doubt that it'll make a difference, but I'll see if this will make him see reason..
Thanks !

OP posts:
Original poster
Anonymous37 · 12/04/2024 19:11

Postapocalypticcowgirl · 12/04/2024 18:16

Is it a money thing, that e.g. he can't afford to pay for your son on public transport, or all the trips? You shouldn't have to, but would offering to pay for your son's train tickets help at all?

I think it's going to be really tricky to just give a flat no if your son wants to see his dad, and unfortunately could be used against you in the future.

He's the "sit at home and play video games all day" type. It's the hassle of making the journey that's the problem.

OP posts:
Runningbird43 · 12/04/2024 19:20

Kid’s 12.

is public transport an option or not? Because on one hand you say ex should be doing the school run by Public transport and then say it’s too far which is why your son can’t travel alone.

why is he at a secondary school he can’t reasonably travel to? If ex is so flakey wasn’t that taken into account for school travel?

kids in secondary in cities travel to school by public transport, it’s normal. It can involve multiple buses and trains, they figure it out. Aren’t there any other kids locally they could travel with?