Ex out of work again, now I'm doing all pick ups and drop offs

[Anonymous37]

My ex and I split around 10yrs ago. We have a 12yo together.
He's never been the most consistent with maintenance or pick ups/drop offs; he's never held down a job for longer than a few months, he'll have a car one minute then no transport the next.
He has consistently had our son every other weekend for about the last 5yrs now. He won't have him during school holidays because "when on agency he doesn't get paid for holidays so can't take time off". I dont have the energy to argue, so it's been as it is for some years now.
He and his ex (after me) moved to live about 20 miles away a few years back. At the time he was in work and had a car, so was paying maintenance and doing pick ups/drop offs; there was a period where he argued that I should be doing 50% of the travel (either drop off, or picking up); I didn't agree to do this. He threatened court, but in the end he continued the transport.
Early last year he lost another job, and lost his car. He stopped any maintenance and also stopped the pick ups/drop offs. I did whatever drops/picks ups that I could, but whilst working a demanding job, with hectic hours, it was difficult for me to maintain this, and my ex refused to use public transport because it would take 90mins. Even though he wasn't working and had the time.
He got work again mid-part of last year for maybe 2 months, still didnt pay maintenance as he "needed every penny himself". He got a car and went back to pick ups/drop offs every other week.
Lost his job again around Aug/Sept. He held onto his car until he wrote it off in January of this year. Since then he's been expecting me to do 90% of picks ups and drop offs, and will only do one or the other if a friend or family member can help him out. If he can't get a lift, I'm expected to do all the running around, this is all whilst I'm trying to work full time and he has more free time being unemployed.
I can't maintain transport both there and back every other week because of my job, I also feel he is being unreasonable by refusing to use public transport.
I want to push hard on making him take responsibility of the pick ups/drops. I don't see any reason why he can't do this, or at least make an effort to do some part of this.
But am I being unreasonable?

I'd say that you're happy to do 50/50 and therefore you'll collect him every time.

I'd take that as a win, ds sees his dad and there can't be any come back that you were obstructing contact.

And I doubt highly that he'll bother to collect him anyway.

And sort that cms claim out.

I would be tempted to message that you cannot afford the extra petrol for the car as he hasn't paid maintenance for his son.

I’d be saying no, and telling your DS in age appropriate terms that his dad is a feckless waster. Thing is, if you keep facilitating this, your son is getting a really shit example of what’s acceptable in a man. It may seem like a harsh lesson to learn, but might be less terrible than learning the lesson that a man can be a lazy slob and a woman just gets it done. Your ex has no job but refuses public transport, he’s a disgrace, let him who himself for what he is.

When I read your OP I was going to suggest letting your son arrange it directly with his father and arrange where to meet between them, but seeing your later posts about multiple trains then I don't think it's that easy is it? I don't think it should be down to you to run around after him because he can't hold a job down and act like a responsible adult.

Are there any other public transport options? Even if it's a slow bus, or meeting at a main station? I understand your son wants a relationship with him, but I'd not be keen on facilitating it to this extent either. Especially given the facts - he moved away, he can't hold a job down, can't maintain a car, and is too lazy to make any journeys himself.

He could hire a car.

My daughter's 16 now and has been arranging her visits to her father for quite a while now. I'm trying to think how long. I don't think she was much older than your son though, maybe 13ish? But then my her Dad isn't a dick, and he picks her up and drops her off usually. It is definitely easier when they can arrange it between themselves, which I know doesn't help you right now, but at least in a couple of years the situation should resolve itself one way or another.

Yes because that isn’t expensive at all.

Probably cheaper to get an Uber for 20 miles. I think it would be about 50 quid return where I live. Which he could pay for out of the child support he doesn't pay.

I’d offer to do 50/50 of the travel but do it by offering to drop off and pick up once a month. That feels kindest to your son (in that he’ll still see dad once a month) and least disruptive for you (still get some child free time, only one weekend a month where you’re stirring around waiting on ex).

So what’s it you want from this thread OP?

You can’t force him to take public transport, you don’t want to continue with the travel for contact.

It’s only as hard as you make it! what exactly is it you want from this thread other than to moan?

She wants suggestions on how to proceed, has been given suggestions and has thanked RandomMess for something she wants to try next.

What more do you want from her?

If he wants to compromise on doing the journey 50:50 insist he collects and hands over the money to cover your time and fuel etc to collect.

Not the other way around.

On £90 a week for rent contribution (as LHA rarely covers it all), council tax (same), food, bills, travel to interviews, keeping a phone/internet access for claiming/applying for work/etc/etc, it's probably quite difficult for him to be able to afford the train and bus fares, though.

Not her problem.

If you don't have a car hire one.

Yes. You’d think he would try harder to keep the jobs he gets.

This isn't about the school run, it's about him picking up and dropping home our son on his weekends.

Could your son suggest getting the bus halfway and his dad meeting him (via public transport) at the first switch? You could float it to your son as important for him to leave the route so he can go to his dads by himself when he's old enough - sell it as a "treat" almost that he's mature enough to start going himself?

Also I don't think this will help in this scenario but just an example. When I was younger I had a friend who lived very far away from our high school and in primary school we (her and I both) would get public transport together to her house. So we were at least doing it together. How long does the drive take? Does your son have any friends that might join him via public transport a few times to spend a day at his dads and then he could practice the route? There would be the problem of them getting home though - how long does the 20 miles take to drive?