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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I at fault?

26 replies

Fairysteps11 · 12/04/2024 14:00

I have 2dc with ex (early teens). The kids live with me and have 2 nights a fortnight with ex.
I have recently started therapy and I'm learning that he was bullying/coercive control during our relationship. I have been diagnosed with ptsd.
My dc wouldn't be bothered if they didn't go to their dads but I have always made sure they see him.
I didn't go to court for contact, I just wanted to leave the relationship when my youngest was 2.
My daughter wanted a naval piercing for her birthday a couple of months ago. I allowed it and she didn't want to tell her dad. He found out about it and since then, he has stopped any maintenance payments and refuses to pick the children up now. He states that it is always my wau and I assume he is now teaching me a lesson.
I am completely unsure whether this is acceptable or if this is another way of getting to me, or if I have been unreasonable in not making my daughter ask her dad if she can have a piercing on her own body.
I am in the middle of therapy and although I had an idea that the relationship was emotionally abusive, I was always made to feel that everything was my fault so now I'm unsure

OP posts:
Original poster
Fairysteps11 · 12/04/2024 14:02

Sprry, not pre teens, they are teens!!!

OP posts:
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 12/04/2024 14:03

Your ex is a dick. But letting a pre-teen get a navel piercing is quite shocking.

SoFedUp71 · 12/04/2024 14:04

I am also divorced and it never crossed my mind to ask her father when my 15 year Old wanted one. Her body, her money.

Original poster
Fairysteps11 · 12/04/2024 14:05

They aren't pre teens, I've edited it now. She is over 14.

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 12/04/2024 14:06

I’d contact CMS.

Balhammom · 12/04/2024 14:08

I find the comment re “her body, her money” quite troubling. What else would that apply to? As a parent, you should be there to set age appropriate limits.

If ex-H has parental responsibility, I agree you were out of order not to involve him in the discussion.

Original poster
Fairysteps11 · 12/04/2024 14:11

She is choosing options at school and there is no legal age. She is very mature for her age and is a diamond.
Maybe I should have spoken to him but it would have been a no from him. At what point can a girl be in charge of her own body and make decisions over her own body? Or should a man, whether it be her dad or not, be allowed to make decisions over a girls body?

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2024 14:13

Balhammom · 12/04/2024 14:08

I find the comment re “her body, her money” quite troubling. What else would that apply to? As a parent, you should be there to set age appropriate limits.

If ex-H has parental responsibility, I agree you were out of order not to involve him in the discussion.

Given her age, anything legal.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2024 14:13

Op go through CMS , he doesn't get to opt out of parenting because he disagreed with you

SunshineAndFizz · 12/04/2024 14:15

If he's not paying anything and refusing contact I'd contact CMS immediately.

"If you'd prefer not to continue with our informal approach I'll contact CMS so we can make more structured arrangements regarding payments and contact, which will probably be best for all."

Original poster
Fairysteps11 · 12/04/2024 14:33

He isn't stopping contact completely, I have to do all the drop off/pick up when he would pick dc up on a friday as I'm at work.

OP posts:
TayIor · 12/04/2024 14:37

In healthy relationships this should have been something he was asked about. However it's not healthy so I don't have the answers. But his reaction to punish you both is really a massive red flag.

Daz57 · 12/04/2024 14:39

14 year olds should not be getting body piercings. It is just too young.

Kijuity · 12/04/2024 14:41

Fairysteps11 · 12/04/2024 14:33

He isn't stopping contact completely, I have to do all the drop off/pick up when he would pick dc up on a friday as I'm at work.

Eh? So he isn't picking them up but still wants you to drop them over. Just say no to that! He wants to see them then he can pick them up. Contact CMS now for maintenance.

Newestname002 · 12/04/2024 14:47

@Fairysteps11

Eh? So he isn't picking them up but still wants you to drop them over. Just say no to that! He wants to see them then he can pick them up. Contact CMS now for maintenance.

Yes to this. His children are still his children whether they have body piercing or not. Although I also would think twice in letting a young teen have body piercings. He's punishing them as well as you through them, by withholding maintenance payments. Let CMS deal with him. 🌹

Pheeeeebs · 12/04/2024 15:52

He is being ridiculous

Am I at fault?
KreedKafer · 12/04/2024 16:00

SleepingStandingUp · 12/04/2024 14:13

Given her age, anything legal.

Show quote history

There is no legal issue here. There is no minimum age for a navel piercing in the UK. It is perfectly legal for a 14-year-old to get their navel pierced.

Some local authorities will set conditions on piercing studios before they will grant them a licence, which might include an insistence on age restrictions for certain piercings, but that's nothing to do with any law.

KreedKafer · 12/04/2024 16:02

Daz57 · 12/04/2024 14:39

14 year olds should not be getting body piercings. It is just too young.

That doesn't mean the child's father can simply decide to stop paying maintenance for her, though.

theeyeofdoe · 12/04/2024 16:06

I agree with your ex that’s she’s far too young for a naval piercing. I think you should have discussed it first.

if he want to stop contact that’s up to him.

Just tell him though that unless maintenance resumes, you’ll just go to small claims if it’s part of a financial order or through CMS and it will cost more.

TheGirlattheBack · 12/04/2024 16:24

Daz57 · 12/04/2024 14:39

14 year olds should not be getting body piercings. It is just too young.

But lots of girls that age have pierced ears, there’s no difference. Provided she is capable of the aftercare herself then I personally don’t see the issue. It’s one piercing with parental consent.

The father’s punitive behaviour is abusive. A legal custody and maintenance agreement might be better when dealing with someone like that!

StedeBonnet · 12/04/2024 16:47

He's thrown his toys out because he cares for his daughter SO much that he's outraged about the fact she's had a piercing - but has decided that means he doesn't have to see them or pay maintenance? Doesn't add up does it. Was he possibly looking for an excuse not to have contact or pay for them and grasped onto this?

Original poster
Fairysteps11 · 12/04/2024 19:32

I do agree that maybe I should have spoken to him, but I knew it was going to be a no. I'm stuck as although I do understand other perspectives, my perspective of my daughter is that she is extremely mature and grown up for her age, she has pierced ears which she looks after very well still and it has been something she has yearned for and waited for for years. My ex has the dc 62 nights/days a year, whether this should be taken into consideration or not, is our own opinion.

I'm just not sure whether I deserve this! I've just got home from work, made tea and now have to drive an hour minimum round trip. I feel he's financially trying to get to me as an extra 50 miles a week in fuel plus no maintenance is really going to hit me hard. There is no reason for this as he passes through my city on his way home from work at 4.30.

OP posts:
User478 · 12/04/2024 19:37

If he chooses not to collect his children when you have made them available to him then that's his choice.

What do the DC want?

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/04/2024 19:42

my perspective of my daughter is that she is extremely mature and grown up for her age, she has pierced ears which she looks after very well still and it has been something she has yearned for and waited for for years.

This was all true for me, as well. I had to wait until 16, and then had mine pierced. I loved it for six months or so and then went off it. I'm 33 now and it's never healed. I really wish I'd never had it done.

I don't know anyone who had their naval piercing done as a teen and still has it in.

Daffidale · 12/04/2024 20:38

Regardless of whether DD getting the piercing was OK or not, his response isn’t reasonable . It seems me part of a pattern of controlling behaviour. He’s pissed he can’t control what DD chooses to do with her body. He’s punishing you for it by controlling you - which is what forcing you to do the pick ups and drop offs is.