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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband cheating??

44 replies

Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 05:54

Hi all. Sorry long post.

I have been married for a few months and everything was fine up until recently and I'm not sure if my OH is cheating or not. He is a lovely guy who treats me well however, our sex life has dwindled dramatically from a few times a week to once (maybe twice, if I question it) and even then it feels like he's doing it because I want him to. He always seems preoccupied when dtd.

He has always slept with his phone under his pillow which I found strange at first but as he doesn't have a stand on his side of the bed I let it go.

A couple of weeks ago I found out he had a second WhatsApp. When I asked him about it he said he doesn't really use it, it was made for work which doesn't make sense since he has a work phone. He gave me the mobile number attached to this mystery WhatsApp- "just in case" I wanted it but to say he "doesn't really use it" the last few times he's updated his WhatsApp story- he's put it on his other status too. When I asked who he has on that WhatsApp he said just family which also doesn't really make sense. Unfortunately my curiosity got the better of me and I checked his last active and it's at odd hours of the night, where as his normal number receipts is off.

AIBU to ask him what the hell is going on? I feel like I'm going crazy. Our relationship is in most parts good I don't want to ruin it but I don't want to be naive either as on this second WhatsApp his messages are set to disappear and with locked messages a thing now apparently, I have no idea what to do. I feel sick.

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 12/04/2024 06:28

It feels a bit odd, if he has a second WhatsApp for work purposes then why is it mainly family members with the number?

Disappearing messages is odd and locked messages suggests something to hide.

In your position I would ask him about it. I would explain how it’s making you feel and wouldn’t let him gaslight you. You can ask to see his locker messages, if he plain blank refuses then I’d wonder what’s going on.

jelly79 · 12/04/2024 06:33

Has there ever been any reason to not trust him?

This alone would make me suspicious though sorry

KoolKookaburra · 12/04/2024 06:35

Ask him straight out if he's cheating

(And also phones under pillows are fire hazards)

Original poster
Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 06:40

Thanks everyone I have mentioned about the pillow he says it isn't directly under the pillow but beside him. Sorry for the confusion, I haven't seen any locked chats I just meant that now that they exist he could be up to something. I'm just not sure about it all given he has a work phone etc. I know the pass code to his phone but I don't want to start all that- not that he's ever without his phone long enough to check. Also, who is that important you have to message at midnight etc and if they were I'm thinking they'd just have your normal number? Idk. I've never come across anything like this before and unfortunately, I am not very tech savvy. I didn't even know you could have 2 WhatsApps 🤦🏼‍♀️

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 12/04/2024 06:45

It feels a bit odd, if he has a second WhatsApp for work purposes then why is it mainly family members with the number?
this. His lies aren't adding up under the first bit of questioning.

first of all id get him a bedside table for his side of the bed as the phone in bed with you is not a good idea.

on this second WhatsApp his messages are set to disappear and with locked messages a thing
this isnt good at all. how do you know they are set to disappear? Why would he need them set to disappear? Unless he is a tory politician.

secondly, id think about how you want this to play out. What proof would you need? What would you do if you found that proof?

Popchippps · 12/04/2024 06:53

Our relationship is in most parts good

pretty low benchmark if you’re newly married tbh

op you’re going to have to speak to him or check his phone. Or you won’t know

it sounds like you don’t trust him anyway so I’d just have a snoop

Original poster
Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 07:14

His lies definitely aren't adding up. I know they are set to disappear after 24 hours because he gave me the number when I asked why he had 2 WhatsApps and I added it. He said he never uses it but still I could have the number but as I say he's updated his story on that WhatsApp, his last seen are at random times in the night etc. I feel sick. He is good with me but with our intimate times lacking and all this phone business I just don't know what to think. I've told him in the past that I wouldn't stand for cheating and that would be it and made it clear that cheating to me is not only physical but if you are doing something you wouldn't be happy if your OH was doing etc. He is very tech savvy and that is making me more worried.

OP posts:
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/04/2024 07:20

There is no point asking him OP. If he hasn't come up with any rational response to the questions you've already asked, and you don't have anything new he isn't going to turn round and say 'oh yes actually I'm cheating'. In reality all that will happen will be he will lie, you will think he is lying but not be able to prove it, and he will be more careful (eg hide his WhatsApp status). I think you need to do more digging unfortunately

Original poster
Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 07:24

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/04/2024 07:20

There is no point asking him OP. If he hasn't come up with any rational response to the questions you've already asked, and you don't have anything new he isn't going to turn round and say 'oh yes actually I'm cheating'. In reality all that will happen will be he will lie, you will think he is lying but not be able to prove it, and he will be more careful (eg hide his WhatsApp status). I think you need to do more digging unfortunately

I know, I totally agree with you. Where would I start?

OP posts:
Didimum · 12/04/2024 08:18

I’d ask to see the WhatsApp then and there. If he won’t show you immediately then you know.

TayIor · 12/04/2024 08:28

If you're basing this on times he's been on what's app that doesn't mean he's cheating at all. If I wake up at 3am and have a little glance on my phone there will sometimes be a message from someone which was sent at a normal hour but I've only seen it at 3am. In fact that happens often. So my last seen would be similar and I'm not cheating. But it's odd to have a "work" WhatsApp that's you've only added family to. Family have his normal what's app.

Original poster
Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 08:30

Didimum · 12/04/2024 08:18

I’d ask to see the WhatsApp then and there. If he won’t show you immediately then you know.

What if he's already deleted messages? Would he even bother deleting them if he's got the disappearing messages thing on? Thing is I don't think I can keep my cool. I feel like I'm going to go crazy.

OP posts:
Comingupriver · 12/04/2024 08:34

Op, do not have children with this man. He is not trustworthy. You’re worth more than this. In your position I like to think I’d have the courage to leave.

Original poster
Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 08:37

I'm not basing it just on going on WhatsApp I'm basing it on all the dodgy stuff going on that I can't explain and also I agree with you his family would have his other WhatsApp.

I would also like to mention he is foreign but speaks near enough perfect English and he's not too close with his siblings and I've never known his sister to ever call but she did yesterday while I was there in the living room (I've never met or spoken to her) and he was laughing and joking speaking in his language and then used the words Swimming pool, yummy and night security. When I asked him what they were talking about and why he'd mention the words he said he didn't and he must have said something that sounds like those words. But he did say them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 08:38

Comingupriver · 12/04/2024 08:34

Op, do not have children with this man. He is not trustworthy. You’re worth more than this. In your position I like to think I’d have the courage to leave.

Thank you. I know something is going on I just can't pin point it. If he's not sleeping with someone else he's atleast speaking to someone or other women.

OP posts:
Nicebloomers · 12/04/2024 08:40

I was curious as to how you get 2 WhatsApp accounts and apparently you need to have a phone with the capacity for 2 SIM cards. I didn’t even know they existed. But presumably having 2 SIM cards (2 numbers) would allow you to have a double internet life so to speak. I just can’t think of why you’d need to do that? I get it if you travel internationally a lot or to separate up work communications (although you said he had a work phone?), but otherwise why would you pay for 2 mobile contracts? I just seems a bit fishy… I don’t know. I’m not going straight to ‘he’s cheating’ but I have to say I don’t understand having 2 phone numbers.

PurpleReindeer2 · 12/04/2024 08:42

Are you sure that it was his sister he was speaking to? Sounds very much like he is cheating to me.

BlackSwan80 · 12/04/2024 08:46

I would wait for a few days and let him get comfortable. You don't want him thinking that you are suspecting anything. Then I would try and have a look at his phone. Either ask him direct or get hold of it when he is not looking. Can you think of anything else you could look into to get a sense of what he has been up to ?

Boredwiththinkingofanotherusername · 12/04/2024 08:50

Do his family live in a different timezone - hence the late night whatsapps? But still don't understand why he'd have 2 whatsapps. I suspect that he has a "friendship" with someone from/in his own country that he is hiding from you for some reason.

ZebraZone · 12/04/2024 09:01

Could this other whatsapp be linked to a previous foreign phone number from his home country?

I'd be suspicious he was on the phone to a girlfriend not his sister.

jay55 · 12/04/2024 09:30

Is he a drug user? Is he dealing a bit on the side?
I mean I can think of reasons for a second phone and account but they're just as bad as cheating.

Kijuity · 12/04/2024 09:34

God I wouldn't even bother, if this is how good it gets after just a few months of marriage I'd cut my losses now. Just tell him to leave, he is obviously cheating.

Kijuity · 12/04/2024 09:34

Did marrying you enable him to have a visa here/become a British citizen?

Didimum · 12/04/2024 09:45

Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 08:30

What if he's already deleted messages? Would he even bother deleting them if he's got the disappearing messages thing on? Thing is I don't think I can keep my cool. I feel like I'm going to go crazy.

Show quote history

All good points. I’d trying to be getting my hands on the phone I think. I know people think it’s a slippery road to go down and ‘if there’s no trust then end the relationship anyway’, but I don’t think those things are true. Trust is neither here nor there – people are blindsided by these things every day whether or not they have complete trust in their partner and I don’t think anyone should be asked to have blind faith in anything in this life.

Jellyx · 12/04/2024 10:22

Imallowedthisone · 12/04/2024 07:14

His lies definitely aren't adding up. I know they are set to disappear after 24 hours because he gave me the number when I asked why he had 2 WhatsApps and I added it. He said he never uses it but still I could have the number but as I say he's updated his story on that WhatsApp, his last seen are at random times in the night etc. I feel sick. He is good with me but with our intimate times lacking and all this phone business I just don't know what to think. I've told him in the past that I wouldn't stand for cheating and that would be it and made it clear that cheating to me is not only physical but if you are doing something you wouldn't be happy if your OH was doing etc. He is very tech savvy and that is making me more worried.

I have 2 WhatsApp'- you can have a 'whatsapp business' account. I have 2 numbers (one for when I'm abroad) so I'm able to have whatsapp for both numbers on 1 phone.

Is he possibly anxious / stressed about his work? And thus low sex drive and checking messages anxiously late at night.

I'd speak with him again and say

  • how are you finding marriage / life in general atm?
  • I've noticed we're having less sex and that coupled with finding out about the other whatsapp has made me feel suspicious .