Should I have left him

[Whydidshedothis]

I went out to meet some friends without my baby for the first time.
My baby is very clingy and always cries for me, even when my partner tries to take the baby.
My friend came back from aboard so we all met up for lunch.
I could tell my partner wasn't too keen about being left by himself but he agreed to watch the baby.
About one hour in, he messaged me saying 'hope you are having fun as he is crying hs eyes out' and then sent me two videos 5 mins apart of my baby crying.
I felt bad at the time and couldn't enjoy rest of the lunch. I left early (finished lunch) but didn't go with them for dessert due to this.
At the time I thought 'oh he's having such a tough time' but when I told my friend later on what happened, she told me my of partner is a narcissist and toxic.
He has this toxic tendency but every other way he is amazing. He makes me laugh, supports me financially so I can afford to take a year maternity and pays for everything.
Am I over thinking? Or am I a bug (unreasonable)

Whats the point of him if he can't watch his own baby for a couple of hours?

Perhaps suggest to him that next time he tries comforting the baby instead of videoing him crying to guilt trip you into doing all the hard work

He's a controlling arsehole! No 1 he should be able to settle his own baby and no 2, he should have left you to enjoy your lunch instead of putting the guilts on you!! Not impressed!! He did that deliberately!!

How old is the baby? If you're only a few weeks in and both massively sleep deprived then it's forgivable to completely lose the plot when you're just so desperate for the crying to stop. If the baby is more like 6 months old and a bit more manageable then you DH is a nasty controlling arse and I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Hi OP, it's really hard to say based on this one example alone. your baby might just be going through a clingy phase, how old is he/she?

In a certain light it comes across very poorly and would be a serious issue if this behaviour by your hubbie becomes a trend.

however given this is the first time this has happened, I would use it as an opportunity to have a non confrontational chat with him. it could be he was feeling overwhelmed and distressed due to not being able to settle baby. he may also feel insecure that baby cries for you even when with him and could be feeling inadequate as a first time parent. this can explain his behaviour.

explain to him how his msgs made you feel and agree a plan going forward re you getting regular outside adult time for your MH. explain your boundaries etc. and then see how you get on next time. if the pattern repeats, then it's time to get worried.

To some extent it depends on age but that is so awful to send videos of the baby crying and to comment like that!
Even if a baby does have separation anxiety, as the FATHER he should be doing everything he can to soothe the child.

Wtf he videod your crying baby and sent it to you when you were at lunch not once but twice and you think your in the wrong.
This is classic coersive control, he is manipulating and emotionally blackmailing you. What's worse is the fact that instead of trying to comfort your baby he instead chose to allow it to continue so he could film it TWICE.
Please leave this abusive twat before he harms your dc again

He's trying to guilt trip you so he never has to parent his own baby again. He's pathetic.

Needing you for a clingy baby is one thing.

Guilting, videoing it, being PA, all fucking terrible. And yes, dumpable. Unless you read him the riot act and tell him never again.

Instead of comforting his own baby he took videos of him/her distressed and sent you them to make you do what he wanted. Just let that sink in.

Ignore anyone who tells you it depends on age. It really doesn’t depend on anything.

I think my concern is that your thread title is referring to whether you should have left your son. As you can see from many comments, I think a lot of people assume you’re asking if you should leave your partner. So that should instantly make it clear to you how unreasonable his behavior is, not yours. Maybe @ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine has a point that if your baby is very tiny and your DH has no experience, and you’re both sleep deprived, perhaps he just panicked. BUT he still owes you an apology for handling this in such a toxic way - passive aggression, guilt tripping, more concerned with punishing you than comforting the child; all the flavors of coercive control.

If the baby is not a very young newborn, then… there’s just no excuse for this. He is attempting to punish you and guilt trip you so you never go out without your baby again and never force him to parent the baby/eventual child, and by just standing there like a fucking lump and videoing your baby crying, he’s making it clear he would rather punish you than: learn how to parent, learn how to soothe his child, try to comfort his child.

He sounds too much of a selfish shitetrumpet to be trusted with a hamster, much less a child. But it’s a little too late. In answer to your thread title, yes, I would take stock of everything, consider how big the “toxic” part of him is, and possibly leave him. YWNBU.

@Whydidshedothis

HE is being unreasonable & nasty it's a spiteful thing to say.

That's him trying to control you. If you stay with him, you're really going to have to watch out because it can lead you to dropping your friends & family & becoming isolated.

& obviously it's a horrible way to live.

he shouldn't have messaged you anyway, he needs to work on being able to settle his own baby.

but it's nasty & controlling to send you videos of your baby upset and accusing you of having time out at your baby's expense. When actually it's just him failing both you and your baby.

@Whydidshedothis

and to what you actually asked.

yes it's fine to leave him if DP has a way to feed him.

Having a hard time is one thing, making you feel guilty about it is another. He is toxic.

Should you have left him?
Baby - yes
Partner - also yes

Your partner? Yes
Baby- yes, baby’s cry. It’s up to whoever has baby to look after baby.
It’s hard enough leaving baby the first time without the added guilt.

You aren’t married and you’re reliant on your partner financially? He’s very controlling, you need to cover yourself. I have a feeling it will potentially end badly!

My sister left her 2 month old baby and went out for dinner. The baby cried for 4 hours, until my sister came home. My sister found out the baby had been crying when she came home. My bil wanted her to enjoy her evening.
Why is your husband so selfish?

I’m sorry op that’s very disappointing and unkind he did that. It takes time to create bonds with small babies and he clearly can’t be bothered to take that time so you can have a much deserved break.

Your friend is right. And I bet their opinion is based on more than this incident. But what happened here is abusive arsehole 101.

You see him as generous because he can afford and is willing to pay for everything. There’s a good chance, given what you have said that it’s not generosity it’s to get some control.

As it currently stands, you would find it incredibly difficult to leave him. I assume your aren’t married. Hopefully, you go back to work.

Having no income leaves you vulnerable, especially when you are with a manipulative arsehole. Financially, not being married to said arsehole leaves you in a slightly worse position. I hope your name is on the home you share.

Should you have left him? Your baby, of course. Your husband? Most definitely

He's pathetic.
He's trying to train you to never leave childcare to him.

Ok, not his finest hour but to consider leaving? Makes no sense.

I went out for a family birthday when baby was a few months old. It was the first time I’d been out without either partner or kids since having our oldest, who was 3. Partner had a nightmare. Neither kid would go to sleep. Baby had a 3 hour (happy at first) squealing session, which turned to crying, probably overtired. 3 year old cried for me and wouldn’t go to bed. Partner’s mum was here and it made no difference. Very frustrating night for him.

I didn’t know anything about it until I got him the next day. And that is the way it should be because I was not home, couldn’t do anything about it, and so there was no reason to tell me. He also wanted me to just enjoy my night and have a proper ‘child free’ meal for the first time in ages.

Your partner is a dick. He sees baby as ‘your job’. He’s training you not to leave him with the baby again. Lazy, selfish, manchild.

Sounds like someone needs to spend some time learning how to ‘parent’, rather than ‘agreeing to watch’ the baby, as you put it. Is he the father or the teenage babysitter?

Your partner sounds dreadful, he is controlling you, decent men can manage to look after their own babies without guilt-tripping their partner.

The only person that's ever sent me a video of my child crying is my abusive ex. Because I had done something he didn't like and was punishing me. You are entitled to see your friends, does he never see his friends? He spends all his free time helping you look after the baby?

Another useless twat