Page 2 | Should I have left him

unsync · 12/04/2024 06:44

YABU saying he's toxic but that he's amazing too. His actions are most definitely the former. Financial control is just that - control. Does he involve you in all the financial decisions or does he control access?

TTPD · 12/04/2024 06:49

Regardless of the age of the baby or how clingy he is, a message "I hope you're having fun as he's crying his eyes out" is a really dickish thing to say, and obviously an attempt to emotionally manipulate you into coming back early.

Treacletreacle · 12/04/2024 06:51

How old is your baby? My daughter was very clingy and only wanted me and i stupidly caved into the guilt trips given by her useless dad. He then used her want for me as a green light to get out of doing everything. I even had to take her to a funeral because he said she wouldn't stay with him. To add insult to this he even informed me when we got home he had a nap while we were away. Please don't be a fool like me. I ended up essentially being a single parent living in the same house as the father. I did every bedtime bath time everything. Use my foolishness as an example of how not to be. You're husband needs to learn to parent while your not there and not guilt trip you whwn your not there. You need to be able to go out and enjoy yourself. Please dont feel bad.

Olika · 12/04/2024 06:51

If my DH sent me videos like that I would definitely keep leaving our DD with him more often so he can learn to take care of her.

waftabout · 12/04/2024 06:57

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 12/04/2024 01:26

How old is the baby? If you're only a few weeks in and both massively sleep deprived then it's forgivable to completely lose the plot when you're just so desperate for the crying to stop. If the baby is more like 6 months old and a bit more manageable then you DH is a nasty controlling arse and I'd be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Nope! No it isn't.

None of that is ok. Even if the baby is massively kicking off, you suck it up and deal with it without making the other parent. Feel guilty for daring to leave the house.

He's trying to make sure she never does that again because the baby can't be without her and the husband can't cope without her. Bullshit.

Popchippps · 12/04/2024 06:58

paying for everything does make up for him being a shit parent if anything it makes you more vulnerable and enables him to act like a total twit

Nicole1111 · 12/04/2024 08:06

He’s a controlling asshole who is using your child to control and emotionally abuse you. It will only get worse with time. Glad to hear you’ve got a friend looking out for you who has your partner’s measure. Please look at this image to better understand what abuse is and do the freedom programme online, or even better go to your local children’s centre and ask if you can do the course with them.

Nicole1111 · 12/04/2024 08:06

The image …

Foxblue · 12/04/2024 08:10

Sounds like he needs more practice with the baby, so you need to plan a lot more opportunities to leave then alone together, what a wonderful opportunity for him to spend one on one time with his child, which of course any decent father would welcome!

Ps. He's a twat. It's okay to struggle, it's not okay to guilt trip the other parent for leaving you alone with YOUR OWN CHILD.

Do not avoid leaving them alone together, he needs the practice.

SecondHandFurniture · 12/04/2024 08:14

Come on, OP. You know he was punishing you for daring to go out and leave him solo with the baby. It's textbook.

OnGoldenPond · 12/04/2024 08:21

This is pretty chilling behaviour from your DP. He should be perfectly capable of looking after his own baby for a lot longer than two hours. A decent partner would be encouraging you to get out to see your friends for a break.

Actually filming your poor baby crying to guilt trip you instead of getting on with comforting them is pretty twisted behaviour. I wouldn't put it past him to have done something to make the baby cry on purpose so he could film them. That may seem extreme but these men go to great lengths to keep their partners under control. They often ramp up their behaviour after you have had a baby as they consider you to be trapped.

I think your friend is right about him. Please think very carefully about whether you should stay in this relationship for your and your baby's sake.

JMSA · 12/04/2024 08:22

How old is the baby?

Yes, he is an absolute arse for doing that to you. But I would have built up my time away from the baby gradually, rather than going out for a meal the very first time.

Calamitousness · 12/04/2024 08:24

I bet your partner goes out without you both. As soon as he does, give it half an hour and send him videos of baby upset and ask him to come home the baba needs him. Fucker!

Venturini · 12/04/2024 08:24

Hes a fucking monster. Who sends a mother a video of their baby crying when they are out for a rare moment of time off from parenting?! What a complete arsehole he is.

Tadpole10 · 12/04/2024 08:25

To add... it's not "watching the baby" (or even worse "babysitting") when it's his own child! Calling it that makes it sound like he's covering for your work/ helping you/ doing you a favour which it isn't! It's just... being a parent to his son!

Venturini · 12/04/2024 08:25

OnGoldenPond · 12/04/2024 08:21

This is pretty chilling behaviour from your DP. He should be perfectly capable of looking after his own baby for a lot longer than two hours. A decent partner would be encouraging you to get out to see your friends for a break.

Actually filming your poor baby crying to guilt trip you instead of getting on with comforting them is pretty twisted behaviour. I wouldn't put it past him to have done something to make the baby cry on purpose so he could film them. That may seem extreme but these men go to great lengths to keep their partners under control. They often ramp up their behaviour after you have had a baby as they consider you to be trapped.

I think your friend is right about him. Please think very carefully about whether you should stay in this relationship for your and your baby's sake.

This. Its twisted. He is twisted. Tread carefully OP.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 12/04/2024 08:26

He is utterly vile! Why would he not get on and comfort the baby (his own child!)?????

Took videos to make you feel guilty and come back home is the sign on a controlling POS.

He is not a good person.

Noyesnoyes · 12/04/2024 08:30

Shocking 😳 behaviour! Sent you videos?

NamelessNancy · 12/04/2024 08:31

What a horrible way to treat you. Your baby and you both deserve much better.

The fact that you are financially dependent upon your partner without being married leaves you very vulnerable unfortunately.

Didimum · 12/04/2024 08:31

Wow. Your partner is a dick. Firstly for not being able or wanting to parent his own child and secondly for deliberately trying to ruin your time out and press you with guilt. Who does that to their family and the one they love?

I’d be demanding a major change and admission of that or I’d be gone.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/04/2024 09:07

What a horrible message, that is purely designed to make you feel guilty...for seeing friends, for one lunch? That's not at all normal, and is him trying to manipulate you.

A decent partner and parent would be doing everything they can to spend more time with their baby and build up the bond, before it gets to this stage. And would want you to have some time off, as I assume he does, otherwise its not in any way fair. If that was my husband he would have pretended everything was fine until I was back and then we'd have talked about things he could do / could have done differently so that it isn't as bad next time (eg you pop out for 10 min a few times a day so the baby gets used to it and knows you're going to come back and build up to longer periods of times, think of some special games or activities that he can play with the baby to distract them etc).

Ask yourself why does he think his crying baby is solely your job to sort?

randomchap · 12/04/2024 09:28

Sounds like he needs more practice at settling the baby.

When you're at home together does he even try to settle?

Maybe you should have more time out with your friends

ThisBlueMoose · 12/04/2024 09:46

Whydidshedothis · 12/04/2024 00:53

I went out to meet some friends without my baby for the first time.
My baby is very clingy and always cries for me, even when my partner tries to take the baby.
My friend came back from aboard so we all met up for lunch.
I could tell my partner wasn't too keen about being left by himself but he agreed to watch the baby.
About one hour in, he messaged me saying 'hope you are having fun as he is crying hs eyes out' and then sent me two videos 5 mins apart of my baby crying.
I felt bad at the time and couldn't enjoy rest of the lunch. I left early (finished lunch) but didn't go with them for dessert due to this.
At the time I thought 'oh he's having such a tough time' but when I told my friend later on what happened, she told me my of partner is a narcissist and toxic.
He has this toxic tendency but every other way he is amazing. He makes me laugh, supports me financially so I can afford to take a year maternity and pays for everything.
Am I over thinking? Or am I a bug (unreasonable)

Yes You should leave your partner.
how unfair is that.
he should be able to cope for a lunch
is it his child?

CKL987 · 12/04/2024 19:57

He needs to learn to settle his own child. Babies also have to learn at some point to be separated from their mothers. I've looked after other people's children and they have got upset at points but you just have to try and soothe them. He needs to put his big boy pants on and be a parent.

startingagain202 · 12/04/2024 20:23

It's doesn't really matter if he makes you laugh - what he did was abusive to his baby (choosing to video them while they were distressed rather than try anything to settle them, including googling tips or taking them out for a walk in the pram or taking them for a drive etc. And obviously abusive to you blackmailing you and making you feel like shit for having lunch with your friends. He's obviously a controlling arsehole.

He also should be supporting you financially while you look after his baby on maternity leave. That is the minimum he should be doing if he is a partner.

It's great you posted on here and also that your friend has been honest with you about what his motivation was/what type of person he is.

Maybe this was a one-off, maybe there's lots more to come, keep talking to your friends (abusive people isolate their victims) but be prepared to think that this relationship is temporary. Don't give up work, don't marry him, don't have another baby with him. It will make it much harder to leave him if you do and then he really will have complete control over you.