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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Holiday abroad breaking us

38 replies

Trufflebutter24 · 11/04/2024 23:11

In December after never affording an abroad holiday with family, I sat down with my husband and we booked a very reasonable eurocamp style holiday for this year.
We got a little money at Christmas which covered a third of the accommodation and worked out that if my DH worked some Saturdays we’d be able to do it.
We booked it and since then, I feel like it’s pretty much broken us.
DH has been working 6 day weeks most weeks in a very tough and physically demanding job.
Every time we talk about the holiday it’s my fault for booking it.
We go next month and at this point I actually really don’t want to go, we can’t get our money back it’s paid for now, but we also wouldn’t have to worry about spending money.
My husband said that he can’t say no to me so that’s why we’re going (he says no all the time) he also said it’s our different upbringings that mean I want a holiday abroad but he doesn’t care for it.
I do every ounce of planning in our relationship and I don’t think I’d go abroad again if I didn’t plan it.
I feel angry at him for giving it the ok all those months ago and now blaming me for it. He said it’s breaking him working 6 days a week, which I have empathy and understanding for. I’m PT at the moment. Unable to work more due to nursery fees.
The thought of never going on holiday again makes me depressed, am I just an entitled cow?

OP posts:
Haydenn · 11/04/2024 23:15

If it’s paid for then it’s paid for. Other expenses like food you’d have to pay for at home anyway. I’d start researching free things to do when you are there- walks, trips to a beach etc. you might find you have exhausted free things at home- but in a new place you can find some more new cheap activities.

Trufflebutter24 · 11/04/2024 23:23

At this point it’s less about money and more about the fact the that its caused untold friction. I feel like it’s not worth it 😥

OP posts:
Woahtherehoney · 11/04/2024 23:26

Can you maybe pick up some shifts at the weekend so he can have weekends off and you can work a few hours for the extra money?

ZiriForGood · 11/04/2024 23:28

A plan based on him working 6 days majority of the weeks was stretching it from the beginning - not allowing for illness or much rest and family time.
However, it is done now, go and enjoy.

It isn't this on nothing for the future - you can save slower over longer time, and at some moment you will work more hours without paying nursery fees, so the money will get better.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 11/04/2024 23:28

Woahtherehoney · 11/04/2024 23:26

Can you maybe pick up some shifts at the weekend so he can have weekends off and you can work a few hours for the extra money?

This. Can you get hours somewhere in the evening or at the weekend?

Infinity234 · 11/04/2024 23:28

Not ideal but can you use a credit card for spending then transfer the balance to a 0% credit card when you get back?

I’m in a similar situation, we’ve never had a beach holiday, but my son was invited abroad with a friend this year, in the end we declined the offer but then I felt like we had to book something similar for us as a family to make up for it 🙈

Trufflebutter24 · 11/04/2024 23:29

Woahtherehoney · 11/04/2024 23:26

Can you maybe pick up some shifts at the weekend so he can have weekends off and you can work a few hours for the extra money?

I’ve picked up a side gig and I’m desperately trying to raise some money by applying for flexible weekend work but to no avail at the moment. The difficulty is, I would earn have of what he’d earn in a day. So if always falls on him unfortunately.

OP posts:
Trufflebutter24 · 11/04/2024 23:29

Half*

OP posts:
Bionlible · 11/04/2024 23:31

It doesn’t have to always fall on him. You could work the Saturdays and just have a cheaper holiday.

StormingNorman · 11/04/2024 23:32

You aren’t being unreasonable to want to go on holiday and see some of the world.

Your husband is probably just tired from the extra shifts and wondering whether it’s all worth it.

I’m sure he’ll enjoy it once you get there.

Zippedydoodahday · 11/04/2024 23:32

If you refuse to go now after he's worked so hard to pay for it, that would be a real kick in the teeth for him. Next time you need more money as a couple why don't you pick up weekend shifts in a pub or restaurant instead so that childcare isn't an issue? That would spread the load more fairly.

I'd try to agree to both put what's happened to date behind you and focus on having a good time.

calligraphee · 11/04/2024 23:34

You can't afford a holiday and him working his guts out to pay for one isn't fair.

Save up more slowly for the next one, going abroad is not an essential.

dancingdaisies · 11/04/2024 23:37

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

DiamondSS · 11/04/2024 23:37

Omg this is us! We would never have been anywhere if I didn’t book it. Obviously I do like that as I can’t imagine rocking up to the airport to a holiday he had booked, I dread to think! We are in the same boat financially this year. We skinned ourselves for a holiday at the end of last year as we didn’t go in the summer because I was pregnant. He did the same thing as it came about and said we wouldn’t have spending money and made every negative into being my fault. The weather was cloudy most of the week and I got the whole ‘see I told you it would be like this’. Having said nothing and agreed to booking it when asked 🤦🏻‍♀️

As much as we’re struggling week to week just now, I really do prioritise a holiday, even more so now with young kids. I look back on pictures of holidays when our first child was young and I took so many pictures and spent time only enjoying doing stuff with him rather than constantly spinning plates and working. I look at all those pictures and now my daughter will be a similar age this summer I think about the fact that if we don’t go a holiday we won’t take a break together and I won’t have all those memories and pictures crammed into a week. I feel like my life is just constantly running from one mess to the next, while making at least one of them wait on me all the time because I’m always too busy to stop and do something with them.

How long is it until you go? Could selling things on vinted or facebook marketplace with any old kids stuff you have lying around be an option or have you already exhausted that one? I reached a stage a few months ago that my wedding dress was about all I had left and considered selling it

AliceMcK · 11/04/2024 23:38

I think you both have to suck it up for now, it’s done, paid for and almost here. Just sit down and agree it’s not happening like this again. If you don’t have the money in the bank to go you don’t book.

DH grew up with lots of overseas holidays, me we were lucky for a week at pontins. We never pay for holidays if we don’t have the cash upfront. Last time we went on an overseas holiday was term time 6 years ago. We’ve no intentions of doing another, we are quite happy with cheap weekends away and haven holidays. We are a single income family and just can’t see the justification of paying for a holiday overseas just because it’s overseas.

snowlady4 · 11/04/2024 23:39

I think it sounds like you're both just stressed. I often get very stressed before a holiday- not specifically because of the cost, just an unsettled feeling.
I bet you will have a lovely time.
Agree on a budget for when you're there, agree not to go over this if possible. Breathe and enjoy!

DiamondSS · 11/04/2024 23:43

Remember, you have your whole lives to do this. You don't have to be in a position to do something right now if it's slightly out of reach

As much as I’m reading this like yip, this is the sensible thing to do. I’m also like think of everyone who has dropped dead unexpectedly and was planning to book that trip next year or go that day out etc. I don’t take the same view on buying anything designer as I think it’s much easier to pass up but when it comes to making memories, especially with kids, I say skin yourself and go! 🙈

CulturalNomad · 11/04/2024 23:47

The thought of never going on holiday again makes me depressed, am I just an entitled cow?

Nothing entitled about wanting to go on holiday, but frankly it sounds like you can't afford it right now.

What's done is done, but in the future the two of you need to save before making nonrefundable reservations/deposits. Just hoping you'll be able to scrape up the money is bound to cause stress.

Can't really fault someone for not wanting to exhaust themselves working loads of extra hours for a short vacation. But since you both agreed to do this it is unfair of him to blame you.

Runnerinthenight · 11/04/2024 23:52

It's booked and paid for now so you would be mad not to go. Your husband is probably just pissed off working Saturdays but he agreed to it! In future you could have lovely staycations. That's what we did when the childcare fees were a killer. We went abroad once (my parents paid god bless them) when the kids were between 2 and 9, but for years we saw beautiful parts of the country on Groupon deals and using Clubcard vouchers (used to be x4 for short breaks!!!)

We've lots of lovely memories and lovely photos from then. Just as much as from our later holidays in Spain, France or Portugal. I don't like flying with small children anyway - too much hassle!

It's not always about where you are, but who you are with. Have a chat and agree to no further recriminations - it is what it is, and you don't want to spoil your hard-earned holiday.

Enjoy!

KidsandKindness · 11/04/2024 23:59

It sounds to me like you really need to sit down and have a good, honest chat about why you booked this holiday, before you go away OP. You've probably both said things in frustration and tiredness that has undermined the reasoning behind why you originally chose to go, which is why you're left wishing you'd never booked it, but it's done now, and you BOTH need to accept that you made a mistake in rushing into going away this year, rather than taking your time, saving up, and taking the holiday next year. You also need to make up your minds, that after all the hard work you've put in, and the resulting stress, to have a lovely time while you're away, and that if the slightest thing goes wrong, you don't start blaming each other. Make sure that you do lots of homework between now and when you go away, so that you know all of the things that you can do in the area.

As a previous poster said, you would have to eat and pay normal bills for living if you were at home, so don't worry about every penny you spend while you're away, it's just money you would have spent anyway, with perhaps a few little treats thrown in. It sounds like you only have one small child at present, so hopefully there won't be demands from older children to do things which will cost additional money. So just make up your minds to enjoy it, hopefully the weather will be lovely, and if that's the case, you can have a great time just relaxing, with maybe some long romantic walks, and perhaps a picnic thrown in. You don't necessarily have to spend a lot of money going to bars while you're away either, go to the local supermarket, and buy fresh bread, and things like local cheeses, fruit, and wine to enjoy, these things always taste nicer away from home.

It does sound though as if your partner wasn't as into the idea of going abroad as you were OP, perhaps he got excited at the time, but has then had time to reflect, and with the extra work, has begun to regret being impulsive, but if that's the case, you need to point out, that it was a JOINT decision, as presumably you wouldn't have booked it otherwise. I hope that it all works out, and you have a great time, and then in the future, if you find you BOTH enjoy it, perhaps make plans for a nice holiday every other year, and then save towards it from the moment you get back.

Floralnomad · 12/04/2024 00:02

No holiday is worth this much angst and working 6 days a week + using money gifted to you . I feel a bit sorry for your husband .

Octomama · 12/04/2024 00:03

This is a learning curve. You booked a holiday you couldn't afford. Of course he is going to feel resentful

@dancingdaisies THEY booked a holiday. He agreed to what it was going to take at the time, now doesn't like the reality. Stop infantilising him.

OP - you need to have a frank conversation with him. Tell him his moods and complaining are taking all the joy out of it. Does he want to go or not. If he does then agree no whining or resentment about the overtime while you are away. Tell him you'll never make an arrangement like this with him again, because it's clearly not worth it. If you are pandering to him then stop it, just tell him it's fine now as you won't take him
At his word again

dancingdaisies · 12/04/2024 00:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

suki1964 · 12/04/2024 00:19

Holiday is booked and paid, so you have to go. However I think you were wrong in putting the pressure on OH to raise the money

Like you, money is tight here and we have decided we are going on holiday next year one way or other so we too are saving. Both of us work Pt ( we are old ) he earns more then me, but I dont leave it down to him. Whilst taking on extra shifts would leave me out of pocket, adding an hour to existing shifts doesn't so thats what I do. I also take on an odd shift at weekends where I used to work. DH has a hobby renovating things, he buys cheap, sells higher - that all gets put in the pot. We save in a money box - well a few - and it all mounts up. Emptying the pockets of change, finds from the streets, all goes in. Anything I can sell on FB or Vinted rather then giving to a charity shop gets sold and thats put in. Its amazing how much stuff you can find in your home you have no use for that someone else does

I think whats helping us is we have given ourselves loads of time to save and havent even looked to book yet. We decided in December the same as you, but have said 2025 - and no set date

Right now the rates bill has come in after a huge electric and oil bill and its tempting to dip in, but nope , we both need a holiday, we are tightening the belts a bit more

chillidoritto · 12/04/2024 20:19

Where are you going OP? It is still low season in May in a lot of places.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. My DH can be a bit like this over holidays, but he always has a great time when we are there!

People who are saying stick to UK holidays - have you seen the price?!?

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