To see bio father again as an adult?

[YouBelongWithMe]

Mostly posting in AIBU for traffic, but would be great to hear what other people would do in this situation.

I'll try to make the back story as brief as possible, whilst giving all relevant info.

My bio father walked out when I was 18m. Did not maintain contact, no child maintenance. Started a relationship with another woman and then got married and had two more kids.

At my end, my mum met my dad very shortly after. They married quickly and he raised me as his own. Even though they divorced when I was six, he has been a constant presence in my life. He was and is a loving, devoted dad and I couldn't ask for better.

As an adult, the daughter of my bio dad reached out to me and we met on our own terms. We got on like a house on fire and have maintained a relationship for the last seven or so years. We are in touch often and see each other ever time we're in the same city (maybe five or six times a year).

I met my bio dad once at age 10, then not again until I was 30. I don't really feel much needed to keep him on my life, I've moved on entirely. However at the wedding of my half sister we were both there and he was very emotional. He apologised and said how much he regrets waking away and not being part of my life, and he'd like to see me if I'd allow.

I thought he was drunk and didn't think much more of it. However he's got in touch and asked if I'd go for coffee when he's in my city next month.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel the need to see him for my sake, and don't think I'd get anything from it especially. However if he genuinely does carry a lot of regret and sadness, it wouldn't take a lot for me to alleviate that and have a coffee with him once a year.

My mum and dad would probably prefer I didn't see him. They don't think he has the right to waltz back in. However I will continue to see his daughter / my half sister and there will inevitably be cross over events. It would make these easier if I said yes.

AIBU to go, knowing that I'm only doing it to make these events easier and I have no real emotional investment in it?

Sorry OP, I agree with your mum and dad here. He absolutely should carry guilt and sadness for what he has done, and it is not on you to alleviate this. I understand people bury their heads, but you’re not an unpaid parking ticket, you’re his child that he wilfully abandoned and no point even offered your DM financial support.

If you felt there was something to be gained from it I’d consider going for it, but if it’s just so he doesn’t feel awkward at cross over events, it would be a no from me. He bloody well should feel awkward!

I would not. If you don't feel the need or will not benefit from it, why do it? You do not owe him anything. You do not owe it to him to alleviate his regret or sadness. He has managed 30+ years with his 'regret and sadness' and did nothing about it, sorry but it is total bullshit. He is only doing something now because you were in the same room recently which was not his doing and that your have a relationship with his other daughter. If it wasn't for her, he still would have nothing to do with you.
I know it shouldn't matter about what your mum and dad think but I'd rather not do something that would upset or make them comfortable over trying to make your bio dad feel less guilty for abandoning his child.
I was in a very similar situation and I don't consider myself bitter as I was better off without my bio dad but do not feel I owe them anything or would open myself up to someone who abounded me.

This tbh!

I'm in a similar situation and have so far decided against - I feel like it's not up to me to make him feel better at this risk of making myself or those close to me feel worse!

I wouldn’t. My father pulled this sort of stunt after leaving when I was nine, claiming he wanted to get to know me. I was in my forties ffs. Told him he’d had his chance and never bothered. I know that’s not the same as your situation, OP, but you have two good parents. He’s just the progenitor who’s feeling sorry for himself. Tricky if you’re going to see him when you see your sister, granted.

I know. It's mad that I probably feel quite guilty for letting him down - how ironic really. I don't like the idea of knowing I could make someone feel better and not doing it.

My mum and dad are totally fine with my relationship with my half-sister. They know neither of asked for this situation or should suffer for it. But I think an ongoing relationship with him would be a different story. My mum says she doesn't mind but I'm not sure she means it.

Also so sorry that literally all the repliers have a similar story. What is with these men?!

Yes, I don’t imagine it would be pleasant for your mother to have the thought of him in her mind - however peripherally - again. No reason for anyone to indulge his self pity. He had decades to do something and didn’t.

@YouBelongWithMe Do you have your own children OP? The reason I ask is I think having your own child puts into perspective the gravity of the decision this grown man made. When you’re the child in the situation, you just kind of accept it for what it is.

I’d guess your mum doesn’t want to want make you feel like you have to chose but to put it bluntly, she chose you, he didn’t. Remember that when you’re thinking about who’s feelings you should put first.

Sorry you’re going through this 💐

I didn't get back in contact with my dad until I was 25. I'm so glad I did, although he isn't an easy man, I enjoy learning about my family line. I've enjoyed understanding my paternal family - grandmothers and fathers etc. Because I know when he dies that knowlege will die with him, and I want to have it to pass onto my children also.

I am also alot like him in many ways. We have alot of similiar traits and I feel a sense of knowing who I am by knowing him. It's a piece of a picture of myself, although not perfect, I don't want to cut it out.

There are two fathers in life, the ones that raise you and then ones that are your ancestors. (in lucky situations one man plays both!)

If I were you though, I would only meet him if you want to, if you feel you will get something out of it. Don't meet him if it is only to alleviate his guilt, you owe him nothing. xx

If it were me I'd probably want to hear him out but then I'm a people pleaser by nature, to my own detriment! I expect he's changed a lot over the last 20 / 30+ years and it might feel beneficial to hear him out ?

It depends what you're like OP, are you likely to get sucked in or do you think you'd be able to hold him at arms length while he says his piece and go from there? If you feel like you'll be risking your own mental health to do this, then prioritise yourself over his demons.

Really tough situation OP, I'm sorry!

30 years ago things were very different to now. Give him a chance I would say. Obviously speaking from personal experience with DP.

I would go for 1 meeting.
Just so at the end of his day's you don't have any regrets.

You're unlikely to fully regret 1 meeting, even if you are annoyed.

Abandoning your child is just as unforgivable 30 years ago as it would be today.

I’d go hear him out over one coffee. You don’t have to forgive him, you don’t have to see him again if you don’t want to, you don't have to do anything to alleviate his guilt. But I’d at least want to have a conversation and hear what he has to say. But it’s totally up to you.

I think the best question to ask yourself is - If you didn’t go meet him and then one year from now you found out he had died - would you be ok with that, or would you always kick yourself that you didn’t go hear what he had to say?

Where was his supposed “regret” on your 2nd birthday, or 3rd, or 4th………..?

Where was his supposed “regret” when your sister was born……..?

Where was his supposed “regret” for the last 30 years?

You were lucky your brilliant mum built a good new life for you and you got a great new dad, a real dad. If it hadn’t gone as well, your bio dad would have still been AWOL, don’t make your mum and real dad’s success at raising you your bio dads way back in.

He isn’t doing this for you, he is, allegedly, trying to alleviate his own regrets and guilt. I think it is more likely to be embarrassment now his dd has an established relationship with you and his dirty linen (you) is being hung out to dry in his shiny new life.

(I might be projecting a bit here on behalf of my niece who has a deadbeat dad too)

Your decision completely what you want to do .

You can just say you have moved on now and don’t have any desire to reopen the subject .

but do what you think will make you happy.

i will say as a mum of a child whose son was abandoned by his Dad at 3 - whilst I would have to suck it up in all honesty I would be bitter he couldn’t sort himself out and left me to raise his dc.

Plus selfish tossers don't necessarily improve at all with time.

Well said, @NoTouch!

I think she does mean it, if it will make you feel at peace. Obviously she won't like it but as she loves you she'll want for you to be happy. If you do meet him be clear on how you feel, it shouldn't alleviate his guilt even if you say you forgive him because it's such a massive thing he's done not acknowledging your existence in your childhood.

I am NC with my dad (he walked out on me at 16 after a messy divorce). He since asked to see me several times and i have always said no, that i am worth more than him deciding when he does and doesn’t want me in his life.

I also have 2 young children now - aged 3, and a new baby, and no way in hell could i imagine walking out on them. I think you have to be heartless tbh. So regardless of how sorry he is, i’d say don’t meet him again.

So your bio dad got bitten by some uncomfortable feelings when both of you were at the same event?

My understanding of this, is that he just wants to make sure that he doesn’t have to feel that way again in the near future (birth of your sister’s babies, etc.).

Nice of him to want to use you for his own comfort. Shame on him.

It's entirely your choice. If you want a relationship pursue it. If not don't.
His want definitely don't come into play.
A friend of mine had a very similar situation and chose to get to know him when she was 17. He died unexpectedly when she was 18 in his 50s and she was glad she had

Yes I do, I have three teens. When I met him as an adult that was really what prompted it - having my own really hit home the gravity of what he did. It was unfathomable to me how he'd been able to do it.

The kids complicate things. If I was to let him back in my life, I think he'd (naturally) be curious about them. I would rather he didn't get to know them, unless they were desperate to meet him in their own right.

@NoTouch I think maybe you've hit the nail on the head.

I've actually seen him a few times - I met him aged 10 when I found out about him, aged 30 when I got to say my piece and ask him lots of Q's, I attended his mother's funeral a couple of years later and then we were obviously there all day at my sister's wedding. In that sense the air in cleared - I know all there is to know, I have no unanswered Q's, he's had his chance to apologise.

I have no interest in demonising him. He did a terrible thing and actually, the consequences are now plain. He doesn't really know who I am, and is not part of my life.

At the wedding everyone knew who I was and that must have been very uncomfortable for him. I am now on the periphery of his life - I see his daughter regularly , I went on a hen weekend with his ex-wife! I am an aunty to his grandchildren. I think the embarrassment idea of @NoTouch is spot on - he won't like the obvious reminder of his choice and having some contact with me is a better 'visual'.

My mum says that if I had turned out differently he wouldn't be interested. As it is, I have a very successful marriage with a lovely man, three fabulous children and I am well-educated in a successful job. It suits him now to have me in his life. This is probably true.

Don't do something to please others. Will this be a positive experience for you? No? Then don't do it.