To see bio father again as an adult?

[YouBelongWithMe]

Mostly posting in AIBU for traffic, but would be great to hear what other people would do in this situation.

I'll try to make the back story as brief as possible, whilst giving all relevant info.

My bio father walked out when I was 18m. Did not maintain contact, no child maintenance. Started a relationship with another woman and then got married and had two more kids.

At my end, my mum met my dad very shortly after. They married quickly and he raised me as his own. Even though they divorced when I was six, he has been a constant presence in my life. He was and is a loving, devoted dad and I couldn't ask for better.

As an adult, the daughter of my bio dad reached out to me and we met on our own terms. We got on like a house on fire and have maintained a relationship for the last seven or so years. We are in touch often and see each other ever time we're in the same city (maybe five or six times a year).

I met my bio dad once at age 10, then not again until I was 30. I don't really feel much needed to keep him on my life, I've moved on entirely. However at the wedding of my half sister we were both there and he was very emotional. He apologised and said how much he regrets waking away and not being part of my life, and he'd like to see me if I'd allow.

I thought he was drunk and didn't think much more of it. However he's got in touch and asked if I'd go for coffee when he's in my city next month.

I don't know what to do. I don't feel the need to see him for my sake, and don't think I'd get anything from it especially. However if he genuinely does carry a lot of regret and sadness, it wouldn't take a lot for me to alleviate that and have a coffee with him once a year.

My mum and dad would probably prefer I didn't see him. They don't think he has the right to waltz back in. However I will continue to see his daughter / my half sister and there will inevitably be cross over events. It would make these easier if I said yes.

AIBU to go, knowing that I'm only doing it to make these events easier and I have no real emotional investment in it?

I’d think about the timing of this. Seven years you’ve had a relationship with your sister and so have been within arms reach. Seven years. And yet it’s only when you’ve been there, right in front of him, that he’s bothered to speak to you. Is it guilt at seeing you in the flesh? Or is he feeling silent judgement from your sister and anyone else who knows you exist and that he’s ignored you for a lifetime?

Having gone nc with my own father at 12, I’ll give you the same advice my mum gave me. If he got hit by a bus tomorrow, is there anything you’d wish you’d asked him or said to him? Do you feel like there’s anything you need to say to him? For me, there was nothing and I’ve never regretted that choice since his death a few years ago. I did have a little cry afterwards but it was grief at realising that I felt nothing more than if you’d told me a stranger up the road had died. Sad, but ultimately meaningless.

Personally, I’d contact him and say that you’d thought about it but had decided that you had long let go of any desire for him to want to be your dad and that you harbour no ill feelings towards him but you can’t really see the point in meeting up with him as you are strangers to each other, you already have a wonderful dad and you can’t envision any positive roles you could play in each other’s life. Tell him that you are more than happy to say hello and be friendly at your sister’s events but that you consider meeting him as nothing more than meeting the parent of a good friend and you’re happy to leave it that way.

I’d also consider whether part of the reason you are a people pleaser is that you’re chasing after the love and approval that he never gave you? You owe this man nothing and it’s not your job to soothe his guilty conscience for him. What is the point of having a coffee once a year? That’s not enough to change anything or build a relationship between you. It’s only enough for him to convince himself that he’s not a bad person. What do you get out of it?

The longer you spend with him in your life, the more you’re going to see the differences in his relationships with you and with your sister and that resentment is likely to grow. Do you want that in your life? Do you want to fall out with him and potentially damage your good relationship with your sister? Is it worth it? And I’d explain exactly that to your sister if she tries to encourage contact between you. She’d be envisioning you all playing happy families but I think it’s too late for that.

My situation is really similar to yours OP, even down to the good relationship with a half-sibling, and a decent step-dad in the picture.

I will never speak to my biological Dad again. He was at my half-siblings wedding and I blanked him. He sent me a Facebook message in lockdown and I blocked him.

The bridges are long burnt and there is absolutely nothing positive he could bring to my life. I'm told through other family members that he's sad and guilty about it all. Tough cookies. I was sad throughout my childhood and had all kinds of issues with my self-worth around Men as a young adult.

I'm in touch and have good relationships with various members of his side of the family and we have a understanding that works just fine, I respect that they have a family relationship with him, and they respect that I don't and why.

I'm pregnant now and it's been suggested that I consider reconciling. If anything it's strengthened my resolve. Anyone who can walk out on their own child without a backward glance is coming nowhere near my child.

Yes, you're right. He's never tried to initiate contact until it makes his life easier.

Ironically, my sister would never encourage me to have a relationship with him. They have a strained or complicated relationship themselves. Most people find it odd but we genuinely very rarely talk about him - our relationship is entirely separate from and does not rely on him being part of it at all. I guess because we met as adults we're more like great adult friends, not siblings with a shared childhood or family history.

I waited till my mum died to get in contact with my biological father as he was abusive and she had been terrified of him. I knew me seeing him would have hurt her.

I'm not sure what I thought I'd achieve. But I wanted to meet my three half siblings. Sadly it wasn't a success. I realised that I didn't want to know him. I knew what he'd done to my mum and how she never really recovered. Two of the siblings decided not to meet. The third I have a amicable but distant relationship with although I'm close to my nephews and nieces funnily enough.

I don't think I'll ever see him again and that's ok.

Ironically, my sister would never encourage me to have a relationship with him. They have a strained or complicated relationship themselves That would cement it for me then. He was a shit dad to you and he’s been a shit dad to her, even though she was right in front of him. Why would you want to invite that into your life, simply to make him feel better?

I disagree with the people telling you to consider your mum’s feelings about this. They are both your parents, for better or worse, and you don’t have to prioritise one over the other - that’s not your responsibility.

I would go, if it was me, because I’d never get over the question of ‘what if’. But I’m not you. It’s ok to make whatever decision actually feels right for you - but it needs to be for you, and not for anyone else.

My mum says that if I had turned out differently he wouldn't be interested. As it is, I have a very successful marriage with a lovely man, three fabulous children and I am well-educated in a successful job. It suits him now to have me in his life. This is probably true.

Your mum and your sister are right, and you've seen him for what he is - he's trying to glom onto you for his own advantage. He has nothing to offer and I suspect this "regret" aka pity party is completely phoney. He's still a leech imo.

It sounds like he is sorry and regrets the choice he made. I would try to forgive him and meet him but I wouldn't look for an ongoing relationship.

I’d go you can’t change undo or fix what has happened you can only move on

There’s no need to try and cultivate a dad daughter relationship
my friend was in a similar situation he has contact but never refers to him as his dad always calls him by his name
but he was extremely clear he had no interest in forming and great relationship
but does have occasional contact
there no passing on pictures of grandkids birthday ,Christmas card and presents or anything like that
He was very clear on that

said he does feel a connection but like a relative not a dad

I'd definitely meet him.

I have a very similar situation op and I too don't feel any need to have my biological father in my life. You do not need to feel any guilt if you don't wish to see him and you certainly don't owe him anything. You sound lovely and like you had a nice upbringing despite him leaving.

The fact that your sister has a strained relationship with him would tell me all I need to know.

If you meet him, he will believe all is forgiven, that he is an equal to your Mum and more important than the Dad that raised you.

Remember, when you were a vulnerable child he did not care if you were fed, cared for, abused, neglected or dead. He abandoned you.

It is not your responsibility to make him feel better. He likely doesn't care about you. You are a tick box on his to do list, daughter forgives me, I can die a good person. Everyone will see daughter forgives me and that I am a good person. He is not a good person.

If you want to meet, you do it for yourself. You can be as explicit as you like with him about your feelings towards him. He did not care about your feelings for the duration of your childhood.

Same situation here, bio Dad left when I was a baby, no contact at all (he lived in another country). I grew up hearing he was an awful person abusive etc.. Ive always sought male approval/insecure and this affected my life, until I had therapy.
Age 40 managed to track his family down, he had died when I was 8. It answered my question as to why he never made contact. I spoke to his daughter, my half sister, who was very kind and sent pics of him. We don't have any contact now though, mutual decision. My questions had been answered, do you want anything from your bio dad OP? What wpuld you gain from meeting him? It seems he has had lots of opportunities to contact you. Saying that I probably would go to speak to him just to establish how things will go if you encounter each other again.

I'm going to look at this from a simply financial viewpoint because the emotional cost of deserting a child is too high to put a price on.

Say, to keep the figures simple, he should have paid £100 per week CM for the entirety of your life, so £5200 per year.

Times that by 16.5 (as you were 18 months old when he left) that's £85,500 without interest or compound interest or a larger (& more accurate) figure of what it cost to raise you.

Essentially over your life, the holidays he went on, the cars he purchased, the mortgage payments he made, the meals out and experiences he had; £5200+ of that, per year, he was only able to do because he trod on your back to do it, and you were a child.

That man was prepared to squash you, physically and mentally, so he could travel, have a nicer car or a bigger house, despite willingly creating you and presumably (at some point) telling your mum and others he would care for you.

That is just what he did financially by not paying CM. He trod on a child's back, pushing them down, to allow him to reach higher.

And now, now you've grown (despite his financial abuse and neglect) and are successful in your own right, he wants a piece of you, really?

Because it paints him in a better light and spares his blushes?

I can see why you're curious OP, but this is not a good man and life is too short to spend time with bad men.

I appreciate what everyone is saying about abandonment 30 years ago still being the same now and I agree somewhat but not always that straightforward. I do agree OP should not feel under any obligation to do anything, that is entirely his loss but what’s one conversation. FWIW DP son thanked him for doing what he did because of the issues his DM had and that DP didn’t split them up (other siblings different fathers). He also came with a very different version of events, some of which have been clarified and some best left in the past.

Your mum and dad love you, and it sounded like your dad is an amazing person, co-parenting with your mum long after they divorced. I would say he's pretty awesome. He IS your dad. You don't need this other pretender to complicate matters.

Nailed it! Mr Sperm Donor is nothing but a pretender and isn't going to add anything of value to OP's life. If anything he's likely to add complications, have a bad effect on her relationship with her parents, and generally still be a waste of space.

You are the child, it’s not your responsibility to make your dad feel less guilty about the past.

Very interesting that he isn’t close to your half sister and that she would encourage a relationship either.

Do you really want to end up with more questions about the past and struggling with being unable to discuss what he says because your mother will want to bury it?

As you’ve discussed above, you don’t know his true intentions and he might want to know about your life so that he can give other family members the impression that you’re closer than reality. Ie make himself look better. You don’t need more rejection or crap behaviour from him. For all we know he could be rude about your half sister and it sounds like you have a great relationship with her.

Yes and the lack of any support even sending money would have been something.

I have friend whose daughter is 17, bright, talented, lovely father has never had any contact left the mother when she was pregnant. He is now 50 and no marriage and no other children / he’s a multimillionaire. Daughter says absolutely no to meeting him but she will take any inheritance that comes her way and give it to her mother. They struggled for years. His friend asked if she wanted to see him and she said if he is serious about meeting me, he can calculate the CMS he owes plus interest for 18 years and hand it over first and prove it wasn’t just about not paying for me and that he meets his minimal financial government commitment without being asked again - he needs to prove it wasn’t just about not paying, because I believe that’s all - he never wanted to pay a penny and I’ve had 17 years of no birthday or Christmas presents.

It's very telling that your half-sister doesn't have a great relationship with him either and isn't pushing you to build one yourself.

There are always so many things to factor in, that you can just read others experiences and cherry pick the advice that best suits your situation.

My father was completely absent by the time I was 2, I have a stepfather who I see as my dad and he raised me completely as his own.
In my situation I was completely unaware someone else was my father until I was 13, and the deceit blew my trust in my family apart.
I met my biological family at the age of 22 - but my father was estranged from them too. I finally met him when I was 32. We have gone on to build a relationship.
It's entirely on my terms, he fully accepts and respects that.

Don't be rushed into a decision, follow your gut and maybe even have some therapy to explore your feelings about it all.

Similar here.

I met my birth dad. He didn't live very long after and l'm glad l did. I had no memory of him.

On a practical level it was helpful to ask about medical history and hereditary issues.