To feel so incredibly angry all these years later

[ExhaustedGoose]

Have NC'd for this as situation is identifying to those who know the details. I've recently lost my Mother and found in her attic a box of paperwork, including all of my medical records and school reports.

When reading through these, despite the paperwork being 20-30 years old, I've become furious to the point of rage crying and I need to know IABU.

When I was born I was immediately moved to a children's hospital, as I was found to have severe cardiac problems & antenatal checks weren't what they are today. My whole childhood was peppered with cardiac surgeries, clinics, treatments and the associated conversations.

My school reports up to the age of 9 say I am able to the point of being gifted, popular and happy. In the summer between being 9-10, I was sexually abused by a family friend who was babysitting while my parents worked. My school reports from year 5 onwards, dismay at my 'appalling attitude' and my 'unfortunate need for attention'. The theme continues into secondary school. In secondary, I was so badly bullied that an incident led to me having a broken arm and fingers (from having my arm slammed in a door repeatedly). The perpetrators were given a day in isolation then rejoined all our usual lessons. The reports go on to say that I don't work well with others and I must learn to respect other pupils.

I'm now mid 30s, with a wonderful DH, 4 DCs, a nice house and a management career I'm brilliant at. So clearly, I turned out ok, but why do I feel so monstrously angry? I think no one thought to ask why my behaviour changed so suddenly and so drastically after being abused. I was bullied to the point of near suicide and yet I was the problem in class. Why are all these feelings happening when I'm already vulnerable over the complicated feelings over the loss of my mother. I also feel furious that her dismay at my failures at school, led to our relationship breaking down beyond all measure. I don't know what I hope to gain, but please be slightly gentle (but honest) with me!

Because you have unresolved trauma. What you went through was horrendous.
Therapy - with a well qualified psychologist would probably be very helpful. But look at the difference branches/theories of psychology and find one in an area that appeals to you.

You are angry because your childhood was not as it should be and you weren't asked what was wrong never mind listened to or heard.

Please seek help.

Oh OP. That broke my heart reading that. Anger is the only reasonable initial response. I’m furious on your behalf.

You were let down badly. Back then we didn’t understand children as well as we do now and even now children acting out are still judged as ‘bad’ or ‘naughty’. We ask ‘what’s wrong with you?’ Rather than ‘what’s happened to you’ which is the much more helpful question.

You deserved better.

You have done amazingly to get to where you have. You are allowed to feel whatever comes up.

May be you need some time to grieve and rage and process it all. Some trauma therapy (EMDR) might help if things don’t shift after a while.

Is there someone you can talk to?

Sending you a massive unmumsnetty hug. 💐

This is a very very hard situation for you . As an adult with insight you are reading about yourself as a child and it is very very painful . It sounds like that little child ur reading about just needs a big hug and the adult may need help unpacking all that went on in the past so to heal .
from what you have said even though you had suffered in many ways as a child you bright light never dimmed and you went on to develope a lovely life. You deserve that lovely life and more . If and when you are ready to unpack what has happened in the past as mentioned seek a service or resource to help you . Take care and sending you a virtual hug 💕

My DH has suggested therapy before now, as he knows every horrid detail. But my fear is that there's so much to unpack, it could be like opening Pandora's box.

My DC are the most precious things on this earth, and I don't want anything to impact the way I regulate my emotions, or how I form my relationships etc. My understanding of therapy is that these areas can be affected as you attempt to 'heal' the trauma.

I'm honestly wondering if I ceremoniously burn all the paperwork, bury the ashes and try and move on with the life I've built for myself. But this evening at least, I'm having a cry and a bottle of very naice wine.

Working back to when you were at school - issues around bullying, mental health and general pastoral care were pretty poor
Unfortunately there are many teachers who - for whatever reason- never thought to ask why children had a change of behaviour
It was easier to blame the child or to do some surface intervention with the bullies

Many if us had experiences like this - however as you say you have thrived and are doing well. Therapy might help - but also take time to be kind to yourself. You are grieving your mum, your inner child and what could have been.

I work in education dealing with students with behaviour issues. There is very rarely no reason for the behaviours they display and the first thing I do when getting to know a student is seeing what background info we have on them-is there known past/ present trauma? Is there bullying? What do we know about the family?
Not sure how old you are but there was no-one who actually gave a shit when I was at school, they just punished bad behaviour.
It's absolutely understandable that you feel anger, I'd feel the same.

You're justifiably angry and she's dead so you cannot even have a chance to redress this issue. Find a good person to speak to, someone suitably qualified and open Pandora's Box. You've done very well to keep all those plates spinning but your anger and pain is righteous and you need strategy to deal with it now the perpetrators and those who ignored it aren't here and you're left holding the trauma. You're a remarkable and strong person to have persevered and succeeded against the odds but give yourself the opportunity to heal, that much is within your control. And fwiw, I am so sorry you were hurt and weren't taken care of, you deserved better.

A good cry is good.

A well trained trauma therapist will work with you in a paced way. The first stage is stabilisation so processing only happens when you feel ready. With EMDR you don’t need to go into all the nitty gritty. You mostly just need to honestly feed back what’s happening in your mind and body so the therapist can pace things and look after you.

You have so much to unpack here and trying to do it all in your head must be so hard. I’m glad you can talk to your husband.

You will get through this. So much personal growth can come from trauma but it is so very very hard. You sound so strong and capable and your values as a parent will help you to keep going and look after yourself.

My one very strong piece of advice is (and I’m going to shout this) BE KIND TO YOURSELF. Allow yourself to feel and think without judgement.

💐 🍷

I might be jumping to conclusions here but did you have parents that didn't like to make a fuss and were worried about what people may think? I have a friend whose parent's need for the family to be seen as respectable and untouched by drama over rode any need/help their children were so desperate for. It wasn't until my friend became a parent themselves that they realised that their own parents desire to be seen as respected, upstanding and successful quashed any of their children's need to be heard. There was no talk or anything unseemly or problematic. Ever.

You know you .. if your gut is telling you not to unpack or reopen old wounds ..well then that is the way to go . Everyone is different and going different routes is ok it’s about you being comfortable

For sure burn the lot …I actually would do this myself tbh …. It’s a really good idea … you enjoy your wine … be happy healthy and continue living your best life .

I often wonder whether our parents didn't have their own traumas which made them double down...it was as if they protected themselves from their own personal suffering by refusing to acknowledge their part in our distress. It's very complicated. I read my grandmothers account of my mother's acute homesickness being sent to boarding school, this a woman who hated her own school days and herself was acutely homesick. Why did she let my mother suffer and then accuse her at the time of surly ingratitude, aged 12/13? And then my mother inflicted her own version of this on me (not school related though)
Sometimes the pain doesn't settle on the right target though, it was the abuser who hurt you and the school that let you down and allowed the bullies.

Your mother failed to protect you however, and surely that is a mother's first duty to protect. When our mothers don't protect us it is like a visceral betrayal of the child bit of us and it feels like abandonment ....something to howl and scream over, justifiably. I certainly have gone over a certain situation in my mind over and over again (not child SA), wondering why my mother or father thought it best to act the way they did.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you, but I can look at the situation more dispassionately now as her own way of protecting herself, low self esteem, conviction that to be good parent required X y z, fear of being thought a bad parent etc (my mother died recently and we were on good terms). EMDR helped me recently

I wouldn't burn the stuff yet. I'd get therapy first. You can burn later but you can't get it back if you change your mind.

have heard that emdr is highly effective for trauma and it isn’t a talking therapy exactly so won’t dredge up the past in the way that you fear.

@Harvestfestivalknickers my mother was certainly more concerned with what people think rather than how unhappy her daughter was. My DDad was working 6 days a week, 12-14 hour days, so he wasn't around for the hospital appointments, parents evenings or anything else (except the big stuff).

Thank you to those who have justified my pain, it genuinely helps

Burying emotions is a false form of forgiveness; it gives very little peace. The freedom you get when you acknowledge and confront pain in past relationships is a different kind of forgiveness entirely. But forgetting wrongs isn't the same as forgiving them.
People have written to me on my mother's death that my relationship will change and deepen after death and in a strange way that has been true.

Sounds like your mum was left to muddle through and didn’t know how. I'm so sorry for what happened to you and hope you find peace

I'd go down the burning and getting pissed option.
You don't have to revisit it.

I’m so sorry reading your opening post. It is heartbreaking you went through all that.

Therapy would help deal with all the anger and other feelings have. An exploratory first session to discuss your worries about how you opening the Pandora’s box might affect your children will help them understand what is important to you and how to help you.

If you’re this angry, and you’re right to be, it may just be it is time now to really work through these traumas. I think with the right therapy you can go at a safe and steady pace and it doesn’t have to be like a floodgate opening you can’t shut.

My experience was it went in waves - like you I was very anxious about opening up the box as it were and maybe having some sort of breakdown and not being able to parent properly. But my MH was affected anyway and I was dealing with a lot of unresolved pain and so of course in some ways my parenting was already being impacted just with the sheer effort it took to hold it all in.

What I found was the mind is kind of an amazing thing sometimes - I was able to work through layers bit by bit in stages of therapy, over time. It didn’t all come out in one massive go, it was like slowly allowing each part and working it through.

All in all it took about four years of therapy - I didn’t go for four years solid, I did four ‘rounds’ of about 6-8 months each time with breaks in between. It was the best thing I ever did for my health and I would consider myself basically ‘healed’ -in that these experiences no longer have such a grip on me and i’m so so much happier.

Whatever you choose to do I think will be right for you, you may want to wait a bit longer or test the waters sooner. I’d say that you’re writing and talking about it here is maybe a sign you are ready but it is completely up to you.

You are amazing OP that you have come through all that.
And now you are bereaved all sorts of emotions are going to surface.

Just be one day at a time, being gentle with yourself and if and when you feel ready, put out some feelers for a group or a counsellor/ therapist for some additional support.
I'm so sorry for what you went through. You are entitled to grieve for the childhood you didn't have. Once you have grieved and come to peace and acceptance, you will find ways to give yourself the nurturing and joy you need going forward.

I have had EMDR. You do have to think about the tough times. So it is pretty difficult but really works.

Theres a saying, i think its actually Dr Phil lol but it always stuck with me, as it applies to me.
Sometimes you have to rise above your rearing.
And thats what you have done. Its what ive done. Ive had therapy, its hard. But years before therapy, i cosntantly worked to rise above my rearing. To do better. To be better. To know better.

I was a much better person, friend, wife and mother because i learnt how not to be.

Youve done this. All by yourself.
How fucking amazing are you to have done ll that?
All by yourself?
Dont be angry. Be fucking proud. Proud of the fabulous person you carved out of the shambles.
Thats what matters. You owe them nothing. Not even your anger.
Burn it if you want. Or stash it in the attic for when you are ready to burn it.

So sorry OP, for what happened back then and for the loss of your mother, both then and now.

You have every right to feel furious, what happened was a gross injustice and it’s a shocking oversight that no one at the time thought to consider that something might have happened to precipitate this change. Also, wtf was the deal with the way the bullying was handled. Contemptible response from the school. None of this was your fault and you deserved better. It is saddening that the situation this utter prick created also impacted relationships with those around you. You should have been safe and looked after and should never have had this burden to deal with. Putting myself in your shoes I think I might feel robbed and just so very angry at the unnecessary sadness of it all. It sounds like an additional grief on top of the loss of your mum.

What an achievement that you have gone on to build such a thriving life for yourself.

Re therapy, it can be incredibly freeing. You can usually arrange an introductory chat over the phone with any prospective therapist, so this could be an opportunity to share your concerns and find out what approach they might take to address these concerns (and consider different therapists). You can go along and speak about what you like – there shouldn’t be any pressure to go more in depth than you’d like or discuss anything that feels uncomfortable or too heavy.

Enjoy the wine this eve xxxx

Sending you a big hug, OP. I’m really sorry you went through what you did with such little support xx