To feel so incredibly angry all these years later

[ExhaustedGoose]

Have NC'd for this as situation is identifying to those who know the details. I've recently lost my Mother and found in her attic a box of paperwork, including all of my medical records and school reports.

When reading through these, despite the paperwork being 20-30 years old, I've become furious to the point of rage crying and I need to know IABU.

When I was born I was immediately moved to a children's hospital, as I was found to have severe cardiac problems & antenatal checks weren't what they are today. My whole childhood was peppered with cardiac surgeries, clinics, treatments and the associated conversations.

My school reports up to the age of 9 say I am able to the point of being gifted, popular and happy. In the summer between being 9-10, I was sexually abused by a family friend who was babysitting while my parents worked. My school reports from year 5 onwards, dismay at my 'appalling attitude' and my 'unfortunate need for attention'. The theme continues into secondary school. In secondary, I was so badly bullied that an incident led to me having a broken arm and fingers (from having my arm slammed in a door repeatedly). The perpetrators were given a day in isolation then rejoined all our usual lessons. The reports go on to say that I don't work well with others and I must learn to respect other pupils.

I'm now mid 30s, with a wonderful DH, 4 DCs, a nice house and a management career I'm brilliant at. So clearly, I turned out ok, but why do I feel so monstrously angry? I think no one thought to ask why my behaviour changed so suddenly and so drastically after being abused. I was bullied to the point of near suicide and yet I was the problem in class. Why are all these feelings happening when I'm already vulnerable over the complicated feelings over the loss of my mother. I also feel furious that her dismay at my failures at school, led to our relationship breaking down beyond all measure. I don't know what I hope to gain, but please be slightly gentle (but honest) with me!

So sorry to read about your experiences. Like another poster said, you are encountering a child part of yourself here, and the trauma that child went through - at the same time trying to deal with feelings of loss. I second the recommendation to find a trauma-informed therapist. Many parents past and present have doubled down on their own trauma/shame but this does not justify bad parenting/abuse. Getting help from the right person could also help you to see any toxicity in family patterns and help in your own parenting. See also the Insight podcast which I have found hugely helpful. Good luck.

I am so sorry this happened to you.

The same thing happened to my sister when she was a child and as is usually text book she was also badly bullied. She was abused from probably birth til the age of 9. She does to this day have problems. She manages them. She holds a well paid position in child protection for the MET. In many ways I think that is like therapy for her also. Saving other children in a way she could never be saved.

What I will say is if you push feelings down. They will come back up - sometimes at very inconvenient moments.

I have had EMDR. For some reason it didn’t particularly work on me but it should and does work for many people.

Its worth remembering you can’t control your thoughts. Let them come and go without judgement. You are entitled to feel all the spectrum of feelings you feel and you should be so proud of that little girl for surviving and going on to raise beautiful children of her own.

It is a lot to revisit your childhood. Especially when there has been abuse. If you ever need to talk please feel free to message me. There’s not much I haven’t been through growing up in the house of horrors that I called home as a child.

I promise you’ll be okay.

I don't have anything particularly helpful to add but feel upset for you as a child. No wonder you feel angry. Well done on building a wonderful life and family. All the best.

Someone I know very well was in a similar situation. At one point feelings that had been shoved into a metaphorical corner started to come out. Anger is ok and an appropriate feeling right now.

You say you’re afraid to open Pandora’s box, but I’m afraid that it’s already opening. It’s unlikely that the anger and hurt are going fit back where they were before so you might as well face it and get some help.

I will say that the person I know came out the other side… it’s not forgotten but they have tools to help them now.

You are angry because that is the appropriate, healthy and natural emotion to express over what happened to you.

I am so sorry that all the adults who should have looked out for you were so inadequate.

Be angry, be really furious. But express it somewhere you are properly supported - in therapy or a group for survivors of sexual abuse and/or childhood bullying/school brutality. Try not to take it out on your DH or let DC see it as that could harm your strong positive relationships - and you deserve to keep those intact.

You could write too - journalling or a memoir could be therapeutic. I recently read an extract of Charles Spencer's heartbreaking account of his childhood. It's a long time ago but he's only recently felt able to face what he endured. Writing it down is a very powerful way of honouring and authenticating what actually happened to you.

Sorry, but I think you need to unpack the box - with a therapist's help.
Why? Because you've already had a glimpse of what's inside it and it's really affecting how you feel.
As PP have said, you've clearly gone on to move upwards, but this may be the one thing that drags you down when you're feeling low.
Being angry and having a few drinks is all very well as it reduces your emotions for now, but they will always be there.
My situation isn't the same as yours, @ExhaustedGoose, but I do speak from experience. I was very lucky to be able to work through things that were a problem for me, including a chronic health problem and a troubled childhood. I'm not 'fixed', but I can recognise now when things are spiralling and the help I've had gives me the tools to deal with it.
All the best.