To be paranoid about this ?

[CinnamonWhirls]

I am 38. Unmarried, no kids. As soon as people meet me (knowing my age) they always assume I either live with parents or alone. Would you feel paranoid about this ? Surely most would assume I lived with a partner ?
May sound stupid but I have also had a hairdresser ask me the other month “So have you ever had a boyfriend or had one but it didn’t last long ?” Fair enough this time she didn’t know my age (And I am often told I look a LOT younger) but as with the above cases they did all know my age so why make this assumption ?

what are you actually “paranoid” about?

rude hairdresser!

I worry they see me as an oddball or ugly .
As for the hairdresser, that hurt.

People are nosey and rude. And so many people still subscribe to the idea that being half of a couple is what everyone wants and you've failed at life if you don't do it. I suggest having a couple of rehearsed responses to bat these comments away.

@CinnamonWhirls

May sound stupid but I have also had a hairdresser ask me the other month “So have you ever had a boyfriend or had one but it didn’t last long ?”

Well that was pretty rude. What was your response?

In the past when people have asked me intrusive questions I'd stop trying to explain and just say "Why?" Smile when you say it if you wish - or not. Small children have got this down pat - try explaining "Why" to a child you keep asking things from. "Yes but Why mummy, why"?? Then you might have to say "OK" at the end if it and move away, pick up your book/paper/smartphone, etc. 🌹

How are these conversations coming up? Do you not mention a partner in casual conversations? It's weird for people to know you aren't married, but not know you have a partner. Usually people talk about their partners a lot in casual conversations. If you aren't, it could be people are trying to read between the lines and are assuming you're single.

The hairdresser just sounds rude though.

It's usually during a first meeting. Like a snap judgement kind of thing.
Even if I'm not wearing an engagement/wedding ring, why do they assume I am single and/or living alone or with parents at my age ?

Surely most would assume I lived with a partner

Why?! Loads of people in their 30s are single. It's really normal.

I also think that people's assumptions are much more likely to be based on the conversation you're having, not anything else about you. For example, if someone asks you if you're going on holiday this year, and you say 'I haven't booked anything yet, but I'm thinking I might go to Tuscany' then people are probably going to get the impression you're single because you're saying 'I' and not 'we'.

I think you're really overthinking this and building it up in your head to something significant, when it really isn't.

In the specific case of the hairdresser, she was just tactless and a bit of an idiot. It's not about you, she's just got no filter.

Eh?

Being single and/or living alone means you must either be an oddball or ugly?

Maybe it's your preconceptions that are the issue here. There is nothing wrong with living alone, or with parents, or not having a long-term partner, at any age. And frankly nothing wrong with being an oddball or ugly either.

People are just curious, it’s difficult to relate to someone who is an enigma. I feel a little bit biased because if I meet someone and like them, I want to know these details about their lives, like are they married, have kids, work etc. If I meet them and aren’t interested in the least I make polite small talk and ask zero questions.

I know people in mid 30-40s who are married, seperated, live alone, have kids, share kids post divorce, are single parents, have sole custody, can't work because of disability, work part time, work shifts, are studying, are a carer, I could go on. So I wouldn't assume anything like that about someone on meeting them. Maybe you meet a lot of rude people like that hair dresser, maybe it's in relation to what conversation you've had at that stage, like a PP suggested using singular instead of plurals, or maybe this is something you hyper focus on so it feels like it happens a lot more then it actually does.

I don't want to be an enigma though.
Maybe I am saying something that indicates that I am single but often, it is as I have said, seems to be a snap judgement that people automatically make of me.
Also, may just be my circle but nobody my age is single

The hairdresser's question was phrased quite weirdly. It says more about her than about you.

At my workplace, people talk about their partners and kids all the time so if someone never mentioned either, I might assume they were single and didn't have children (although it wouldn't make me assume they lived with their parents, that's a bit odd). Or that they preferred to keep it private.

I know plenty of oddballs and people who are not conventionally attractive who are in relationships and vice versa - I don't think it means that much!

It's people making a quick judgement like as soon as they meet me.

I get what you're saying. You're asking 'Do I look perpetually single?'

I've never met someone before and thought that, so I'd guess no

i bet it did. thoughtless. no doubt leaves a trail of hurt people behind her.

what is your social life like? friends? colleagues?

are you happily single?

I don’t talk about being unhappy single if that’s what you are asking. Would be nice to have a supportive partner but I realise that not all relationships are like that.

so you’re not unhappy?
friends? social life? work?

have you ever had a partner?

I'm 46 and have always lived alone. Had plenty of LT relationships so I dont think living alone is considered pariah.
I usually assume that single people live on their own, but also that they may have partners.

Why all the questions @LemonFawn ?
My question was about people who meeting me for the FIRST time and within a few minutes or so of chatting, will ask me if I am living alone or with parents. This is based on very little information as they have known me literally all of 5 minutes.
I don't know any 38 year olds who get asked if they live at home with parents, even though I know some do. But it's not common at that age which is why I find it weird that people presume that I do. Then I feel paranoid wondering why they assume that.

It is strange if people are really making these assumptions about you so quickly, when I meet someone new my initial thoughts would be about how they hold themselves, what they are wearing, how they speak and that might lead to some shallow assumptions around how much money they have or where they are from (which will often be wrong) but I don’t know what would make me think ‘single, living with parents’ within a few moments of meeting someone. Are you sure you aren’t just being paranoid?

Has happened at least 4 times now from memory. If it was a one off then I would agree that I was being paranoid. But happened too often now.
I must give off a sad single loner vibe is all I can think. Which obviously makes me feel awful.

It seems weird that your living arrangements would come up so quickly. I've never been asked who I live with in small talk, often where I live? Then I might be asked if I had a partner along the way but not necessarily.
For me, I'd want them to ask about me personally. What do you do, where do you go, what do you like, what music are you into etc? It feels odd that it comes to that line of question so often. You said you look younger, but I still don't get it really. Unless it's someone who fancies you and it's a crude way of working out if they have a chance or not?