Son’s dad didn’t show up for birthday

[Birthdayeffort]

My son’s dad could only spare one hour to celebrate our 3yo son’s birthday and didn’t get him a present.

He was working in the day and checking our sheep after work but he was further delayed because his neighbour’s sheep got onto the road and they couldn’t sort it because they were having their tea (also they’re knobs — don’t know if this is relevant but they definitely wouldn’t do the same for him).

I’m really upset that our son is evidently less important than someone else’s sheep. And I think it is shit to not go out of your way for your child’s birthday.

I made a big effort: took him away for the weekend, went to the zoo, had a tea party with cousins. Even my cousins’ partners came, not because I asked them to or expected it (I didn’t) but because they wanted to be there. I’m just really sad that my child’s father couldn’t prioritise it a little more.

He says I’m being totally unreasonable and cannot see what the problem is because our son had a good birthday and was happy and safe.

He says his dad was always working on his birthday too and he never minded so it’s fine. But that was my experience too, and I minded. I had to make my own treasure hunt for my 9th birthday and then try to forget where I’d hidden the clues (which obviously didn’t work) because my parents were too busy and I don’t want that to be my son’s experience, I wanted to do better .

So, AIBU to be really upset about this?

I think you massively over compensated, you need to strike middle ground on what you experienced as a child, what your husband's expectations are and a normal family celebration. If you live on a farm then the animals are part and parcel of that and I expect have to come first. Is he generally a gift giving person? Presumably your money is shared and he knew you had organised things so thought it was in hand. If you aren't happy taking on the 'wife' work then next year tell him what you expect, he needs to buy a present and be present for XYZ.

I think you are projecting a little because your parents were so uninvolved. He was there but only for an hour. To be honest on a working day many parents will be out of the house at work for much of the actual birthday. Expecting him to spend some family time/ individual time at some point in the week with him is not unreasonable though. Is this representative of his general attitude or unusual for him? I do agree with him though you can't leave sheep wandering out in the road.

Your child is three, they won't remember anyway.
The sheep are important, your child had a good time. Your husband was at work and then doing more work. I'm not sure what you needed him to do? Tbh I don't think my Civil Servant father had anything to do with our birthday celebrations. (Friends round and a cake) He did things like build the Guinea-pig hutch but was never home before about 7 pm ever. Your husband cares but he has his hands full, seems to me.

Are you still together or split ? Its not clear from your op. Did you all go away at the weekend ? If you're together I would expect you to have arranged a gift together.

The fact he was working during the day is fairly standard. You also say looking after 'our sheep' so if he wasn't doing it you would have too. Yes its annoying hd was delayed by the sherl escaping but he was looking after the sheeps welfare as well as helping your neighbour.

I also don't think my dad every planned a gift really until we got older and into electronics, he would have built it/put it together/picked it up from the shop but I'm fairly sure most presents were a suprise to him. Not because he doesn't care he just doesn't value giving gifts as much as my mum does, nor does he really care for social gatherings and don't think he was ever at a party. He is always there when you needed anything physically done though, if I rang him up now with a leaky roof or car problem he would be around immediately to fix it the best he can. Birthdays are just one day how he shows up the rest of the time is important.

Animal welfare takes precedence over a birthday every single time.

I assume he didn't buy a present because he thought all the presents would be joint which is a normal thing to think with couples. I have never bought my children a birthday or Christmas present without adding their dad's name to the tag.

We don’t live on a farm, he has a full time job then commutes to 2 other farms that belong to our parents but it is 99% certain that we’ll never live on either farm so I don’t really see the point. I’ve subsidised the farm project for many years and I’m now sick of it and have washed my hands of it entirely after being shouted at one time too many while trying to help him with it. So it’s a bone of contention. I thought it didn’t make any money but it seems that it does — all of which goes to his parents to pay their bills while I was paying ours.

He’s not generally a gift giving person. Our money isn’t shared and we didn’t discuss presents, I just got a few things and assumed he would too because that’s what happened at Christmas.

The weekend away was just me and our son.

This is a pretty standard situation that I deal with all the domestic stuff (as well as working) and he throws us the occasional breadcrumb.

So actually this is nothing to do with the birthday and everything to do with your relationship. If you are very unhappy it is much easier to break up and start again whilst DC are small and don't know much different. It doesn't sound like you are compatible and the birthday is just the straw that broke the camels back etc.

He has a full time job, plus does work on two farms for your parents?!

Why celebrate on a weekday? Surely the weekend would be a more convenient time, considering his workload?

I made a big effort: took him away for the weekend, went to the zoo, had a tea party with cousins. Even my cousins’ partners came

All of this seems way over the top for a 3-year-old, and I think you are vastly over-compensating for the fact that you had a difficult childhood yourself.

There is a big difference between what you're describing re. your son's dad and your experience of not having your birthday acknowledged at all. Once your son is a little older, he's going to be at school on his birthday most years and it will be perfectly normal for you and his father to be at work during the day.

Your child had a nice birthday and was happy and will not have even thought any of the stuff you're thinking about.

It's not really clear from your post whether you and his father are still together - you say 'our' sheep but 'his' house so what's the situation? I don't think his dad needs to buy him a separate present - it's pretty normal, even if you're separated, for a child's presents to be from both parents together. If he's contributed to the presents your son got, that's fine.

Quite the drip-feed there, OP.

Never mind about the birthday quibble, that's not the issue here.

It sounds like you actively dislike him and are not happy with anything about your relationship and essentially lead separate lives, so frankly I'm not sure why you're together. Focus on that, not with a minor disparity in how you think a child's birthday should be celebrated.

It would appear that I am being unreasonable for minding that he is barely present in our lives. Thanks for the feedback.

That’s not what people are saying. People were responding regarding the birthday issue.

minding that he is barely present in your life is obviously not unreasonable, but that wasn’t what you asked. It sounds like you’re not happy in your relationship and would maybe benefit for being apart?

Of course you are.

our son is evidently less important than someone else’s sheep

If they're in the road, not only could they cause a danger for drivers, they could have been killed themselves. Your three year old was not in danger of death. The sheep were. Animal Welfare comes first.

Come on now, that's not what you asked and there's not much help getting pissed at mn .

You asked if YABU to mind him only being present at your son's 3rd birthday for an hour when he has sheep to care for at the most busy time for sheep caring and on top of a full time job. That scenario would appear to be understandable to me.

If there is a bigger context and backstory that is at the root of your upset, then maybe that's the question you should be asking about because it's not OK in the wider context for his partner (?) and son to always feel 2nd best.

Yes, you are being unreasonable. Moving sheep from a road is more important, in the grand scheme.

My husband worked away for years when ours were little. They’re adults now, have a great relationship with dad and all love each other dearly. Sometimes, needs must. Your husband is working really hard for your family.

Ok OP, take a breath.

Is his full time job farming related? Either way, working full time then being expected to work on two family farms (is he getting paid? Unpaid? Giving the money to family?) is a lot. The sheep really did take priority from a safety perspective for all, I'm afraid, but why it ended up being his responsibility is a bit crap.

Is he a good dad usually? Is he involved in the day to day care of your child?

Do what you think is right. I agree Df is a knob. You can't change that. His loss. Your ds will work it out for himself when he's older. Accept what you can control. Don't let useless wanker uncaring df spoil your enjoyment of ds.

There's people on here whose children's fathers don't bother at all.

No we get it. This is the straw that breaks the camel’s back. This “farm for my parents “ with no clear inheritance is absolutely shit.

This isnt necessarily true, its perfectly possible to remember your 3rd birthday. I remember my 2nd (although i appreciate thats unusual its still possible!)

I think you're being unreasonable, sorry. It's not like your DH was down the pub with his mates. He was working and then dealing with an emergency. Your son is three and has celebrated extensively and is probably very happy. I don't remember any great fuss on my birthday when I was a child. My parents were often working. I'd have a cake and then usually a small birthday party a few days later at the weekend. I felt very loved.
You just need to celebrate at the weekend (or whenever your DH is not working). It feels like you want a stick to beat him with.

This is a very good post and summarises my feelings quite well. I’m a farmers daughter and a contractors wife, and we also have a farm ourselves. I know the pressures and the difference in lifestyles better than most, but I think yabu in this particular situation. He did see your son. The fact you have difficulties in your relationship otherwise is, imo, separate. I expect your sons birthday just felt like the straw that broke the camels back.

Yes his ft job is farming related but doesn’t involve livestock.
On both farms the deal is that the parents keep the subsidies and he keeps any profits. These profits seem to go on paying things like his parents’ electricity bill.

We used to enjoy doing the farming together but he can’t seem to control his anger when we’re there so I just don’t get involved much now.

He’s a very good dad for the few hours a week that he’s with him. He used to have him every day and take him round the farm while I was working but he’s had to get a proper job because my wage wasn’t enough to cover everything and no money was reaching us from the farm. He’s a bit resentful that I ‘made’ him get a job but I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to chip in to our domestic bills (and nursery). For years I suggested appropriate part-time jobs that he could fit around the farm but he wouldn’t consider them, instead suggesting ridiculous ones (5 half days a week atminimum wage with a commute of over an hour for example) which obviously were not going to work. I have not forced him to work every hour god sends, that is his choice, but what I have demanded after many years of supporting us financially (no longer possible due to cost of living, childcare etc) is that he should contribute something to our bills. I would have carried on paying for everything if he hadn’t declared that I contribute nothing to the family.

As for day-to-day care, he does 50:50 when he’s here. We’re supposed to take it in turns to do bedtime but he’s usually not back in time so I do 2 or 3 bedtimes for every one that he does. I am the only person who deals with nursery, appointments and his social life. I am the only person who completes a laundry cycle including taking clothes off the line and putting them away, he only gets as far as putting them on the line (without pegs so they blow away then I have to start the cycle all over again). We both cook and buy food. He’s good when he’s here, the issue is he’s never here.

I know, and that’s shit, and doesn’t mean we should settle for it.