Son’s dad didn’t show up for birthday

[Birthdayeffort]

My son’s dad could only spare one hour to celebrate our 3yo son’s birthday and didn’t get him a present.

He was working in the day and checking our sheep after work but he was further delayed because his neighbour’s sheep got onto the road and they couldn’t sort it because they were having their tea (also they’re knobs — don’t know if this is relevant but they definitely wouldn’t do the same for him).

I’m really upset that our son is evidently less important than someone else’s sheep. And I think it is shit to not go out of your way for your child’s birthday.

I made a big effort: took him away for the weekend, went to the zoo, had a tea party with cousins. Even my cousins’ partners came, not because I asked them to or expected it (I didn’t) but because they wanted to be there. I’m just really sad that my child’s father couldn’t prioritise it a little more.

He says I’m being totally unreasonable and cannot see what the problem is because our son had a good birthday and was happy and safe.

He says his dad was always working on his birthday too and he never minded so it’s fine. But that was my experience too, and I minded. I had to make my own treasure hunt for my 9th birthday and then try to forget where I’d hidden the clues (which obviously didn’t work) because my parents were too busy and I don’t want that to be my son’s experience, I wanted to do better .

So, AIBU to be really upset about this?

Did he have this working pattern when you decided to have a child? Did you discuss how you wanted things to change?

I think your phrasing says it all.

You don't refer to him as DP / DH but as your "Son's dad" which is in my experience common terminology when parents are separated.

Do you feel separated? Do you want to be separated?

ok this isnt about the birthday/party at all is it?

Exactly. I can see him busily burying himself in both farms, avoiding all other responsibilities, until they inevitably and probably quite soon cease to exist . How long do we keep flogging the dead horse for? Is our son going to look back in years to come and be glad his dad missed out on his childhood because he was trying to farm two farms whose owners have NO PLAN for the future? His dad hasn’t even made a will and my parents intend to either live to 140 (I wish I was exaggerating) or move to a town in the next 5 years.

With your follow up post op, I’d be upset too, and resentful. He doesn’t sound appreciative of what you do at all. My husband works stupid hours, and we can go long periods of time without seeing him at all (asleep when he gets up, asleep when he gets home) over the busier months but he is always appreciative of what I do and, rather importantly, he contributes to the household by paying the bills, which allows me to be a SAHM (also partner in the business so do paperwork etc as well). Also, he’s working purely for us. He’s not lining anyone else’s pockets and he’s hoping to be able to take a step back in the next 10 years. What your family is trying to do is unfair and unsustainable.

I feel abandoned.
I want to not feel this way.
We used to be very loving. But he has gradually removed himself physically and emotionally from our home.

Tell your husband what you said in your last post.

The birthday is not the issue to me, and please don't go overboard with birthdays or other events. The issue is a dad spending seemingly little time with his child.

No, he just did the two farms. They were meant to bring in an income by now but we’ve had a number of setbacks at my parents’ place (one of them involved their dog killing fifteen of our sheep in the space of a fortnight, and there was a TB outbreak, and a year where we had no calves because something went wrong with AI etc etc etc). His parents’ farm is profitable but they seem to keep the profits despite not doing more than about 10% of the work.

We wanted the farming operation at my parents’ to be profitable and worthwhile but for a number of reasons it just isn’t. Then my parents u-turned re the future and the plan changed from us eventually living there in 5-10 years time to that being off the cards.

Unfortunately we didn’t realise how little the farm means to my parents or that they would rather destroy it than tie up/ rehome their dog . It’s put a lot of pressure on us and all fun and pleasure has now gone from that farm, along with the longterm goal of eventually living there.

Sorry this is a drip feed. I didn’t realise people would be so interested in the wider context.

Yabu about the birthday (you went OTT trying to bet compensate for your childhood and he did the right thing sorting the sheep since it’s not something that he could predict)

Yanbu to be pissed off about the voluntary work and financial /parenting pressure that he’s put on you over time. It’s not fair on you or your child and he needs to wake up and prioritise his family ( you and your child )

Yeesh.....that's a mess. So he grafts for his parents, they benefit entirely physically and financially, and he grafts for your parents for no reward either? And in both cases, neither farm will be inherited? Can he explain WHY he is choosing to do all this when he could just work and come home??

No he can’t explain.
This is the problem.
He has been telling himself that he’s making the sacrifice for us, but I don’t want him working his fingers to the bone and coming back too tired and grumpy to speak. I want a partner who chats and takes an interest in my life, and our son just wants to see his dad.
Increasingly I just see it as an alternative to the pub

Singling out just the birthday issue alone, you have gone way OTT for a 3 year old. Your DH has gone way under. But buying separate presents is really weird. Also you saying about making your own treasure hunt, well your son didn't need to do that while he was whisked away for the weekend and lots of other things so there's no comparison. Those sheep could have been killed, your DH was kind to sort them out.

This is no longer about a birthday.
Would he agree to stop farming your parents property since there has been zero profit over the years and you will no longer be living there?

He also needs to come to a proper agreement with his parents regarding share of profits and reinvestment in stock and keep a really close eye on it, ie both take 20% leaving 60% to plough back in. Add in any subsidies as they are a form of profit. If not then he has to walk away. Has he looked into getting his own smallholding/farm?

If he refuses then it might be ultimatum time. I don't think it's just about lack of physically seeing you (although that helps), it's about financially and emotionally investing in your joint future.

He couldn't leave the sheep in the road. At that moment, yes they were more important.

Agree

It's not unusual for parents to have to work long hours. I had 3 kids under 4yo and my husband was working 80-90 hour weeks as a police officer, doing shifts, working rest days, 7 days a week. It was exhausting both on him and us, but he did it because we needed the money!!

Your husband working so much appears to be bringing no benefit to your family, and that is the issue.

Re the birthday yabu. The sheep had to come first, you know that really. And you went over the top, but I see why. Kids at that age are happy with cake and new toys. Save those kinds of things for when they're older.