Last night I drank wine on the commute home

[Claphamandeggs]

Last night on the commute home I picked up a can of wine from M&S and drank it on the train after work. I've been drinking too much for months but that's not good is it?

I'm unhappy in my marriage and job. I just can't improve my life. Every Monday I promise myself it will be different but by Wednesday I'm drinking, eating crap, feeling miserable.

Does anyone have any advice how to change things? Does anyone have stories of actually turning things around? I feel on a horrible slippery slope.

Go easy on yourself.

It sounds like you know why you’re unhappy and you are aware that your coping mechanism isn’t healthy. (Not that drinking is inherently bad, just that you sound unhappy about it).

Could you give some attention to how you might fix the job or relationship issues?

Stop it. Now. I've been there and the slope is slipperier than you can possibly imagine. Don't rationalise away your drinking with 'everyone is doing it' or 'I can handle it'. Yes, they are and you probably can, but it's stealing your life away. There is no better time to stop drinking than now as it's so socially acceptable and there are so many resources available- quit-lit books, podcasts, short online courses (avoid AA it's pathetically outdated and ineffective). Start with listening to Over the Influence on your next commuting journey.

I know it might be easier said than done but life without alcohol is actually so much better. If you want to tackle these things that need improving or changing, having a clear head and renewed energy will stand you in good stead to make good decisions. I gave up wine about four years ago and the benefits have been wonderful. My skin, my health, my energy levels, you sleep better, and most of all I got all my creative thoughts back and rediscovered my true personality. I went on Club Soda which is a sober / moderation drinking group for some support and inspiration. Also, read the Unexpected Joy of Being Sober.

I’ve done the same and gone through stages where I was in a relationship I was unhappy and was drinking far too much. If you go back to root cause here the drinking is a symptom- not the problem itself. Is the relationship salvageable if you work on it or it or do you need to start getting your ducks in a row to leave?

I would focus on the relationship, for me the day he moved out was the day I didn’t reach for a glass of wine- and I’ve only drunk occasionally, socially since.

most family lawyers will give you a free hour conversation where they explain to you what you need to do and your considerations. You don’t then need to commit to anything but it will help you.

I hope things improve for you. It can feel daunting-but having come out the other side, life gets better 💐💐💐

@Claphamandeggs theres a topic specific to this. I'd report your post & ask MN to move. Whilst the posters have been kind & helpful so far , this is AIBU & that won't last.

best of luck with your 'journey'

Excellent advice apart from the AA comment. Their meetings come in a huge variety of shapes and sizes, one size doesn’t fit all and you can find a group that feels comfortable for you. And their success rate is phenomenal.

You need to stop drinking and address the reasons you’re doing it.

I'm unhappy in my marriage and job.

What steps can you take to improve either/both?

I think you need to completely stop drinking first, just for a month or two. That will make you feel less anxious, and better able to think clearly. Then you'll be in a much better position to work out how to sort out the relationship and job issues. Take it one step at a time. Don't worry about eating rubbish, in the short term it won't do you much harm, start with the drinking and go from there. Good luck.

Agreed. I know someone doing exceedingly well with AA and another person who was sober for many years through AA.

Wow. AA. I would have never considered that.

I have so much I need to do. Sort out money. Kids. The house is disgusting. I haven't done any exercise for a decade. And every week is started with best intentions and yet now I'm putting eye drops in to make my eyes look less blood shot on my work meetings. I thought 2024 was going to be different. Time is flying past

best advice.

I have recently stopped drinking completely after catching myself saying something that reminded me of my alcoholic mother. I wasn't drinking a lot, but it made me realise that my relationship to alcohol was not good and had the potential to become a real problem. Sometimes we have a moment where we realise we are heading into a 'danger zone' - it's best to listen to yourself and nip it in the bud.

I'm similar to you OP. It's so hard to get started on making change, isn't it?

I haven't bought alcohol alone on a train before but I can definitely relate to that feeling of wanting one after work, big time. I find there is nothing quite as good at relaxing me.

There's some really good advice on this thread. It's helping me too, so thanks for starting it.

Sorry to hear this, OP 🌺🌺 I wonder if counselling might be helpful? It might help you work out the root of your unhappiness with your job and your marriage and it might also help you find other coping mechanisms instead of drinking.

Start exercising again

Just stop- can you cut it out Mon-Fri.

I know how you feel, DH and I unwind with Netflix and a bottle of wine, just sneaks up on you. It was just a Wednesday treat. Then it became Wed, Thurs- almost the weekend, Fri and Sat. Then one bottle between didn’t go far, so it was a bottle and a half. Then we stopped and couldn’t bloody sleep, so started again.

Then felt so bloody tired, got up later, it was winter and thought bugger it. We both put on weight! A few of DH’s friends and some work colleagues have passed away. That was a bit of a wake up call that we are opting for a very unhealthy lifestyle. With alcohol comes snacks,
you don't want to exercise as your too lethargic etc.

So, we are now both drinking more water, not buying the snacks, not buying the wine in the first place. We no longer have a wine rack! It was just too easy. We drink when we go out, on holiday or drink Fri/Sat only. (I know that’s still quite regular) but we enjoy it. We will partake in the sober Oct and we do one in January too. We read a lot about alcohol, how it affects your brain, your health.

If you feel you need more support, it is out there but ultimately it is just stopping the drink. It’s poison at the end of the day, just tastes nice. It’s also getting more expensive, try saving the money and get yourself something nice.

You sound like you have a lot of unhappiness to unpack, drink will take all of that away- until you wake up and do it all over again. Only you can break the cycle.

Hope you get lots of helpful replies and good luck.

It can only be different if you change something.

What's easiest?

The alcohol on the train is fine-you get G&Ts in 1st class but that isn't the issue- it is why you were drinking- not what or when.

What small change can you make?

I can't recommend the books Alcohol Explained and This Naked Mind enough. Both are on Audible. Lat year I was overweight, did no real exercise and drank way too much. Now I'm down several stone, completed couch2 5k and have quit alcohol other than having the odd drink on a special occasion. I feel so much better. The exercise and weight loss would not have happened if I had not quit the booze. I drank to mask other problems which I am now working on with a clear mind.

Please don't let things get out of control before its too late.

Instead of drinking on your commute, pick up a copy of Catherine Gray's "The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober". The first few chapters were hard for me to get through in the beginning as it was all so familiar....things like hiding my drinking and drinking at inappropriate times like this behaviour on the commute. I was the same for years, instead of tackling the root cause (you mention unhappy marriage and job, for me it was depression and loneliness), I turned to drink to mask it all. TUrns out when the drink was gone, the depression disappeared, it was a vicious cycle that I could only see after I got sober.

Unfortunately it took dozens of rock bottoms for me to make the change that was needed. I hope you don't have to experience that. I'm nearly 5 years sober now, met the love of my life, I've been promoted at a job that I was close to losing at one stage.

The bottom line is about caring for yourself to the exclusion of all else. You need to WANT to get better. Once you are in a better place mentally, you'll find you have the clarity and strength to confront your marriage and employment issues.

Join Life's better without alcohol on FB, so much support on there. You can post or just read others comments. There's a 30 day shrink the drink challenge for even more support. I wasn't a big drinker, I've stopped for health reasons but I feel so much better both physically and emotionally, I'd recommend it to anyone struggling on their own to stop drinking.

I was a heavy drinker for 20 years, I lost many friends, jobs, homes and humiliated myself many times, I lost my entire youth and don't remember anything.
My first marriage went down the pan because of my drinking and most of my friends were just drink buddies, when I hit rock bottoms I left town and moved 200 miles away from my home town to start over by the sea.
I went cold turkey and never drank again got a good job and met my now husband who never drinks and he never knew I was ever a drinker, obviously I told him eventually about the past but it was so far removed from the life I'd made here that he accepted it as past.
We married and had 3 lovely children who have never had a mum who drinks.
I have a dodged a bullet, I could have had liver cirrhosis if I didn't stop and be dead but I didn't, and best of all I had no cravings and don't miss it, I think because I moved away and started a happy life it just wasn't part of the life I knew and had no place in it.
I've been sober 15 years and it seems like a different life ago.
Best decision I ever made, usually you have to hit rock bottom but you can just imagine rock bottom and decide on a different route.

You think drinking is helping you cope but the flip side of that is it is enabling you to put up with a shit life that you are not happy with. If you carry on drinking you know how this will go, you will struggle to make a change but if you stop then who knows what wonderful things may happen next! You are shooting yourself in the foot.

Don't drink today. Then tomorrow, one day at a time.

Some inspiring stories here

I recommend Try Dry app. Very helpful to record your drinking, to see in black and white (and yellow!) when you have (not) had a drink

I'd suggest focus on what you can add (eg exercise) rather than what you're trying to cut down (alcohol). When you want to exercise on Sat morning, it just feels less attractive to drink to excess on Fri night