Last night I drank wine on the commute home

[Claphamandeggs]

Last night on the commute home I picked up a can of wine from M&S and drank it on the train after work. I've been drinking too much for months but that's not good is it?

I'm unhappy in my marriage and job. I just can't improve my life. Every Monday I promise myself it will be different but by Wednesday I'm drinking, eating crap, feeling miserable.

Does anyone have any advice how to change things? Does anyone have stories of actually turning things around? I feel on a horrible slippery slope.

Can you go for a thirty minute walk at lunchtime? Just start making small changes and vow not to drink on public transport ever again. You can do small incremental things like buying more fruit and having a piece with lunch. It is very easy to get into bad habits and I think wine saps your energy for actually doing things.

Hand-hold. Try changing your routine of an evening to avoid the triggers for alcohol. Even just taking a bath (a spa evening!) then doing your feet and painting your nails can help - followed by an early night with a large jug of water nearby to help with dehydration. Just one day without might give you the kick-start you need to continue. Wishing you all the best💐💐💐

Claphamandeggs
Wow. AA. I would have never considered that. "

Yep. And also you think, "but surely I can't give up alcohol completely? What the fuck will I do in the evenings and on the weekends? I mean, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm not homeless and I don't drink any more than my friends or family do."

Which is all perfectly true and rational. Except that you don't have to be homeless, drinking out of a bottle wrapped in a brown paper bag to decide to stop drinking any more. You can be a middle lane drinker and still decide to stop - for your health, your relationships, your bank balance, your head space, whatever. Huge numbers of people are doing it now. And from the other side, I can tell you life really is unexpectedly wonderful without it.

Please stop drinking. I’m an alcoholic and I, and every other alcoholic I know, desperately wished they’d stopped earlier before they reached rock bottom. Please get help from someone - I thought going to AA was “overreacting” or that they’d laugh at me for not being a “real alcoholic”. I promise they won’t, they’ll just be happy for you that you’re getting the help you need to keep you life on track.

Sober Instagram is also a good resource if that’s you’re think. There’s a women called drinking wine in the carpool lane who is very American but some of her content really resonated with me.

PM me if you want, I’m rooting for you.

This sounds like burnout rather than addiction. Do you get sick pay? Time to see the GP and get signed off then get all your ducks in a row - get the house deep cleaned, do some life admin, reconnect with your kids, see a financial adviser/solicitor re separation or marriage counsellor. Good luck OP you've got this. Maybe confide in a good friend because if you were my friend I'd help you with all the above x

No, I'm sorry I'm going to stand by my position that AA is not the right answer. It has been around for a long time, but its anonymous nature helps hide the very low success rate and the approach that you must accept you are a helpless alcoholic is outdated and has been overtaken by far more effective strategies.

William Porters Alcohol Explained; Andy Smith's Sober in Seven; Over the Influence podcast; TryDry and ClubSoda are all far better options and more likely to resonate with modern, female, middle lane drinkers.

I stopped drinking years ago and barely think about it these days. I have alcohol in my house to offer guests, I go out with people who drink, I don't have to white knuckle a 'disease' every day.

There are far better options than AA OP, trust me!

Well all I can tell you is you won't find the answer in the bottom of a bottle. I know this because I tried for quite a few years. It's just numbing the pain. which sometimes is necessary, cos there's nothing else you can do, but, you need to address the root causes I'm afraid.

This was me 5 years ago, OP. The jump from here to full blown alcoholism is frighteningly small. It happened so quickly for me, although looking back I can see it was a long, slippery slope over years - low mood, lack of motivation, low self worth, drink on it, feel worse, drink to feel better, feel even worse…until I was a daily heavy drinker. But it felt like the blink of an eye from a ‘wine after work stressed Mum’ to a proper, cannot deny it alchy.

AA turned my life around. I know how lame that sounds, but it’s true. I was able to stop drinking and stay stopped and start addressing what the real issues in my life were. I quite quickly felt unimaginably better about myself and my life, and five years later I feel like I’m the person I was meant to be, not that stressed, frazzled, sad little person who’s only happiness was a bottle of wine.

Thank you for all your kindness. I really don't feel its an issue in the sense it's not ruining anything but I was taken aback to find myself drinking wine on the train and covering the words "sauv blanc" on the can as felt ashamed. Not being able to wait until I got home. I tell myself I could have waited but I just didn't want to. But not sure that's true really.

I'm going to bed not having drunk anything tonight. Which feels like a bit of a pathetic achievement but I'm pleased.

I did feel v sad this morning. But yes I find it impossible to think of myself as a non drinker. I know its so common these days but drinking wine feels part of me. That's weird to say but it does.

I do know I'm unhappy though and nothing is changing. And I am guilty of doing the same and hoping for different results!

OP, I'm going to tell you a scare story instead.

My DSD's biological mother didn't end up being much of a mother to her because of the alcohol.

She's dead now. She was a middle class alcoholic- you know, the type that appears to function, drank nice wine, managed to hold a job down, albeit with increasing difficulty.

Her death was utterly brutal. Please, don't poison yourself like that. It can all go horribly wrong all too quickly. Get the help you need, now. It's not ok or normal to need to drink on the commute home. But you can turn this around.

How much are you actually drinking, op? It's not the thing that determines whether you have a problem but it would be useful context for people giving advice.

Have you taken any steps re your job and marriage? What do you think would help?

I’d thoroughly recommend The Sober School - you can google it. Aimed at women who are concerned about their drinking / are sober curious.

I completed the online course & haven’t drunk alcohol for 15 months.

Total life upgrade!

Feeling unhappy at home leeches into every part of your life. You can cope with a less than agreeable job if everything else is good. But home - your sanctuary, your safe space - when that is bad, it’s very very hard.

Drinking doesn’t make your problems go away. It actually doesn’t make them easier to cope with. It just blurs them, masks them, until drinking itself becomes the primary problem.

Take lots of great advice here and cut out the alcohol. Then focus on the changes you need to make to get back your happiness. But one day at a time, and start with no train drinking.

A blunt choice for you with no unicorns and rainbows promised;

Would you rather be miserable, skint, feeling tired and lonely - or miserable, lonely, skint, homeless, without your kids, with a permanent hangover-withdrawal symptoms to keep at bay, looking like crap and with a liver that resembles Foie Gras?

If you knock it on the head now, you've got a chance to be just bog standard unhappy and might actually end up in a happy place. If you don't, it's guaranteed misery forever.

Think of your children smelling alcohol on your breath. It can be very difficult to do things for yourself and to treat yourself kindly so do it for them.

Would it be possible to take the children out for a good long walk in the evening before they go to bed? if they go to bed early could you join a gym so that you get out of the house and get fit at the same time? Or go swimming, that's really good for you.

AA has been and continues to be the “right answer” for many, many people @Superlambaanana. I think it’s singularly unhelpful to anyone struggling with alcoholism to write off a solution that might be exactly the one that would help them most. By all means say it’s not right for everyone but I honestly question your motives here because there are thousands of people who owe their sobriety to AA. I live with one of them.

I’d also encourage you to think about the things in your life that are turning you towards drink. For me it was work related stress and moving not just job but industry was really important. Getting proper help for anxiety rather than self medicating with alcohol was also key.

For you it sounds like it might be your marriage. I know it’s not as straightforward as all that, but you need to change not only your drinking but the things that are making you want to drink.

Honestly my friends and colleagues don’t seem to give a shit that I don’t drink. I thought it would be a huge issue but actually people are really supportive (/wrapped up in their own lives). I barely think about alcohol these days, it’s just not a part of my life and that’s not a big deal. Or rather it is, but only in a good way!

You don’t have to never have a drink again if the concept scares you. Just aim to not have a drink for 6m and see if your life improves for the better.

@BIossomtoes I know that people who like AA won't have a word said against it but I'm sorry i don't believe it has actually helped anyone. It persuades people that they have an incurable disease that they can never be free of and will have to fight every single day for the rest of their lives. I strongly believe that is a lie. It may well be told in good faith, but it is false nonetheless. It is perfectly possible to stop drinking after having become a problem drinker/ physically and mentally addicted, and to recover entirely to the extent that you don't have to nurse an infinite recovery and live in a state of victimhood until the day you die.

I'm sorry i don't believe it has actually helped anyone.

The evidence is to the contrary. Your knowledge of AA is clearly limited and skewed. It obviously isn’t the right path for you and that’s fine. Nonetheless it works for thousands of people and it’s entirely wrong to tell lies about it which could deter someone from seeking the help and support that’s right for them. The person I live with most certainly doesn’t live in “a state of victimhood”, being sober has set them free.

I got sober with AA. I don’t recognise what you’ve described @Superlambaanana

I found the community and support invaluable for helping me not just to stop drinking but to stay stopped. And I feel like it’s the absolute opposite of living in victimhood. I am wide awake now, conscious of my actions and responsible for them. It’s a great way of life for me. Emotional sobriety not just sobriety.

I appreciate it doesn’t work for everyone, but it’s irresponsible to say it doesn’t work for some (many) alcoholics and problem drinkers. It clearly does.