Or is he an alcoholic?

[ringoffiire]

My partner loves fancy wines and whisky. Middle class, very good salary in tech, and there's pressure to be sociable and popular among colleagues. He drinks socially but also recently when he's alone. He's even started a blog about fancy wines with one of his colleagues.

I think he might be using the idea that he appreciates good wines/ 'the finer things in life' as an excuse for his inability to control his drinking. Almost like aspirational alcoholism?

He's overweight and overindulges regularly in both alcohol and food. It's like he doesn't have an off switch, he struggles to stop. He's very gregarious and sociable and a bit hedonistic, but would never describe himself as having an alcohol problem.

AIBU to think he might?

What do you mean by over indulges? Do you want to have a partner who does this?

Maybe a GP checkup could give factual evidence if he is. Liver scan? (see The Archers)

How much does he actually drink a night/week?

He might but it's impossible to say from your post. How much does he actually drink?

I would not suggest liver scans or tests- these can come normal even when someone has a real problem (the liver is very resilient, until suddenly it isn't) and can give false comfort.

How often does he drink?
Can he moderate his drinking?
Whats he like when he drinks?

He will easily drink 2 bottles of wine to himself on a weekend night.

He will usually drink a 2 or 3 glasses on a week night, occasionally more, but he doesn't easily get drunk so it's not always obvious how much he's actually had.

I’m not sure we can really tell from what you’ve said. But if you feel that it’s becoming unhealthy then that in itself is quite a well recognised warning sign.

‘He doesn’t easily get drunk’ = red flag.

That's a drinking problem. Say 2 nights with 2 bottles and realistically a bottle on other nights- 9 bottles a week, 90 units. Plus the whisky presumably.

Have you spoken to him about it?

I don't think this place has particularly good form for assessing whether people are alcoholics or not, with a glass of sherry once every three weeks seemingly the usual threshold.

Still, it does sound like he drinks a lot and if he is not an alcoholic already he is probably well on the way towards being one.

He had a TIA a while ago and was diagnosed diabetic so he's doing his best to cut back with the food.

He is a lovely person and never ever violent/ abusive.

Just a bit of a glutton/ hedonist.

He has a bit of a barrier with drink, probably as it's such a strong part of his social life and he sees it as appreciating a fine wine/ whisky.

I am tempted to say he’s more hedonist than alcoholic.

Could he cut back if he wanted to?

You really don't need to drink 2 bottles of wine a night to appreciate good wine. And given he's had a mini-stroke it's really important he stops or cuts right down. From the body's point of view it makes little difference whether it's 90 units of Chateau Lafite or Special Brew.

Yes I think he is a hedonist, definitely.

He's tried cutting back on the food... he can do it in short bursts but usually regresses.

He hasn't really tried with alcohol as it hasn't really been recognised as an issue.

Maybe suggest a night at the cinema where his drinking will be restricted? His reaction will give you a clearer idea.

If he rushes home and downs a bottle before he’s got his shoes off or spends the whole film getting up and down for more drinks, you could have a problem.

does he have an alcohol free night?

You say he drinks socially and sometimes lately when he’s alone - but presumably he’s often with just you (and kids if you have any). Does he drink then? Or maybe you don’t live together and seeing you is part of the socially? Just trying to establish whether you’re actually meaning drinking every day or not.

Alcoholic is a pretty outdated term, but he’s clearly a heavy drinker. I think whether he’s alcohol dependent or not would depend on whether he finds it easy/difficult to have nights off.

https://www.stroke.org.uk/stroke/manage-risk/drink-less-alcohol

It might be worth reading through this.

“he doesn't have an off switch” and “drinking alone”- those are red flags OP. He doesn’t see it as a problem despite a mini stroke and diabetes and is dependent on alcohol. This idea of explaining it away as hedonism is just a way of not accepting what is going on with him but ultimately unless he accepts that he has a troubled relationship with alcohol then you are powerless. For context I am a recovering alcoholic, I know I can’t just have one drink so I don’t have any at all anymore.

I think he has a drink problem.

I like the sound of him! Not that I'd recommend continuing drinking so heavily if it's affecting health. But just a live for the moment, like what you like and go for it attitude.

It doesn't seem like a "problem" in that he's not nasty or abusive, and it's not negatively social - it's not affecting his quality of life or yours

But it's certainly very heavy drinking which may be causing him health consequences that will certainly become a problem for everyone eventually

He probably struggles to cut down on food because of his drinking also. I know I’m more likely to overeat if I’ve been drinking or I’m hungover.

i used to know someone who was a ‘wine snob’ in order to try and disguise their alcoholism. It was fine to drink 3 bottles if it was expensive ‘natural wine’ wasn’t it? Almost good for you! The denial is so strong.

except it’s the same poison and sugar. The body doesn’t know the difference.

If their lifestyle is causing them serious problems in their health and relationships and they still won’t cut down, then yes I’d say they had a problem. Don’t let it drag you down too.

9 bottles of wine a week, wow.

Let's say it's red wine, at 625 calories a bottle, and a tenner a pop (easy maths, but how long is a piece of fancy string). He's looking at 5000+ calories and a hundred quid a week for his 'hobby'.

He doesn't need a label to recognize this is a huge problem.

If he's diabetic and has had a TIA he really, really needs to be cutting back. 20000 extra empty calories a month is insane. Can your household budget manage £400 a month on his wine alone?

If he is drinking this regularly and using his 'hobby' as an excuse he has a problem. If you aren't happy with any aspect of his drinking then your relationship is in jeopardy. What do YOU want op?

Does he drive himself to work the next morning?