Or is he an alcoholic?

[ringoffiire]

My partner loves fancy wines and whisky. Middle class, very good salary in tech, and there's pressure to be sociable and popular among colleagues. He drinks socially but also recently when he's alone. He's even started a blog about fancy wines with one of his colleagues.

I think he might be using the idea that he appreciates good wines/ 'the finer things in life' as an excuse for his inability to control his drinking. Almost like aspirational alcoholism?

He's overweight and overindulges regularly in both alcohol and food. It's like he doesn't have an off switch, he struggles to stop. He's very gregarious and sociable and a bit hedonistic, but would never describe himself as having an alcohol problem.

AIBU to think he might?

This.

Also, it's irrelevant whether you think he's middle class or not! Class is an ancient way of trying to segregate society.

Look up grey area drinking. Andy Ramage talks about this a lot and the One for the Road podcast addresses it too. Good luck! It won’t be easy to tackle it but you are right to be concerned.

There's definitely a dependency on alcohol there with your DH.

My DH is the same to an extent - he buys from independent brewers and writes blogs, so he sees himself as a "beer aficionado" who appreciates pub culture etc, and thinks this makes him a cut above your average piss head.

A while ago he had a bit of a health scare, and it's only then that he's cut right down on his drinking to more acceptable levels.

He’s drinking almost double the recommended weekly amount in just one night at the weekend. Let’s assume it’s 10 units per bottle. Does the ‘weekend’ include a Sunday? If not, he’s having maybe 40 units Friday and Saturday and then in the week another maybe 6 units a night..so that’s what? 70 units per week? Does he drive? It takes about 1 hour to process a unit of alcohol so he may well not have cleared it all before he drinks again.
If he’s already had a TIA, he’s at increased risk of another cardiovascular event (TIA, stroke, heart attack): BHF info on alcohol
He does need to recognise it as a problem himself though. My XH drank heavily (not every single day although it was moving towards it, he justified not being an alcoholic by the fact he didn’t drink every day). I tried numerous times to talk to him but he wasn’t ready to accept it was a problem. We didn’t divorce because of his drinking specifically but it definitely caused issues in our marriage.

Most people drink alcohol because they like the taste and it makes us feel good, and that sounds like why your husband drinks.

However, just because it makes us feel good doesn't mean it's good for us, and to be fair your husband probably knows that.

Do I think he's an alcoholic? I don't know but probably not, and I say that as an alcoholic in recovery. I think he is an extremely heavy drinker though, and he does potentially fit some of the criteria for alcohol use disorder (worth googling).

Now some people can live long and fruitful lives as heavy drinkers, heck some people can live to 100 and smoke a pack of cigarettes a day, however as he's already overweight and diet sounds like it's maybe not the best he could be doing himself some long term damage.

I would suggest watching the Adrian Chiles documentary drinkers like me (available on youtube), to see if anything he says resonates. It's not a documentary about alcoholics, but about middle aged heavy drinkers.

Two bottles of wine in a night. We can certainly tell that he's a very problematic drinker.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6761899/

As a grateful member of AA for 10+ years I can say that the only question that matters when trying to distinguish heavy drinking from problem drinking is: “Is it costing me more than money?”
When I walked into my first meeting I knew that for me the answer to that question was (finally) “Yes”, but I honestly could not have told you what, specifically, “it” (my drinking) was costing me (the denial was very very strong).
It’s only through doing a lot of work that I can give some examples:

• My spouse’s peace of mind
• My children’s peace of mind
• sleep
• physical health
• constant minor and not-so-minor “UDIs” (unidentified drinking injuries)
• the respect of my colleagues
• countless formerly close friendships
• my wider family relationships
• and many more.

If you (as the spouse of a heavy drinker) feel that his drinking is affecting you, the only thing you can do is seek support for yourself and your children from Al-Anon family groups. You can and should communicate your upset to your DH and maybe he will listen. But you cannot change him or guide him to working out if it’s costing him more than money. Good luck.