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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

rude friend of dd's - do I say anything?

34 replies

lemonstrawberryorange · 10/04/2024 16:38

Namechanged as possibly a little outing.

DD (Year 8) has a friend (I'll call her Alice) that she's known since she was born.

Girls went to the same primary and now at the same senior school - always had a really sweet friendship. Our families are super-close as well - I have been friends with the mum since before we had kids, we go on holiday together regularly and it's great.

DD and Alice are in different classes at their single-sex school, and unfortunately Alice is in a class with a bunch of girls that are known for some really catty behaviour - constant tween drama etc. This group of girls have been pretty nasty to Alice on numerous occasions, and my dd is always the shoulder to cry on in these situations. This can get a little tiring for dd, as Alice persists in trying to be friends with these other girls, despite the fact that they are nasty to her. My dd is quite mature though and just sort of eyerolls at this - she has lots of other (lovely) mates and just seems to accept that this is Alice's 'journey'. She's not possessive about Alice whatsoever.

Yesterday Alice came over and she was being quite rude to my dd - acting bored (even though she had chosen to come over), and being snarky. It seemed like she was aping bitchy behaviour - she was like a different kid. Even my DH noticed, which is unlike him 😂

My friend has been pretty concerned about the whole situation with Alice and the 'mean girls' and talks to me about it quite often. She's always saying how grateful she is that Alice is friends with her dd, what a support my dd is when Alice is upset and struggling and so on. I am meant to go for a drink with friend tonight and I am wondering if I should say something, or just leave it?

Sorry this is so long!

OP posts:
TheSnowyOwl · 10/04/2024 16:39

I would say “Alice, you are sounding just like those girls you say are mean to you so I think it’s time for you to go home and we will see you again when your normal personality returns.”

bettycat81 · 10/04/2024 16:59

Your friend is worried so I would kindly confirm her fears...."oh I see why you were worried, I saw quite a change in her when she came over...."

Harvestfestivalknickers · 10/04/2024 17:01

I would ask your friend if Alice is still struggling with her class friends. See what her mother says. Maybe Alice is struggling and taking it out on your DD ? I wouldn't come out and say Alice was rude but I would say that both your DH and you sense she isn't happy. Then I might say ' I wouldn't want DD and Alice's friendship to suffer'

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 10/04/2024 17:05

As your friend is already concerned about Alice’s behaviour and friends I would say something like ‘yes we noticed she wasn’t her normal bright bubbly self and I agree with you her behaviour is concerning’ and gently try to ask if she is seeing a therapist etc etc

Also talk to your DD and remind her what a good friend is and how we should act as a good friend and not to put up with people who aren’t good friends

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/04/2024 17:11

I would talk to your daughter and suggest she doesn't accept any shit from Alice. Every time Alice starts up with that, your daughter immediately announces she has stuff to do and it is time for Alice to leave.

I wouldn't say anything to Alice, and I wouldn't go out of my way to mention it to her mother. But if her mother mentions concerns or asks if you have noticed anything then I would mention that Alice is showing problem behaviour.

Goldenbear · 10/04/2024 17:14

i wouldn’t say anything personally as there maybe a reason behind it and some parents may get defensive or be offended; some don’t even notice as people have different levels of acceptability. It may also be her age, I have a year 8 DD and I think there are lots of changes at this age with socialising and they are discovering who they are or perhaps want to be so can be quite bold if they are that way inclined. DD has a friend who is very direct and will say when she doesn’t like what DD is wearing or the jewellery she has on or how she has done her hair or the music she listens to. DD is very into design and wants to go to fashion college or be an Architect, this friend is not interested at all in the aesthetic so DD doesn’t really care what she thinks when the friend is rude but it does get a bit trying. DD will call her out on her rudeness though, is that an option for your DD rather than via you to your friend?

tennesseewhiskey1 · 10/04/2024 17:15

I would say something (and I have done before)

waterrat · 10/04/2024 17:16

It's a one off from a teenager I think you are massively over reacting

we all have. bad days - unless it becomes a pattern keep out of it

BettyShagter · 10/04/2024 17:25

Alice is growing up and often in doing that, they go through stroppy phases.

I wouldn't bother saying anything to her mum but I'd certainly take it up with Alice if she was rude to me.

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 10/04/2024 17:27

Be very, very careful it could totally blow up in your face. Maybe ask Alice if she’s ok when she’s over next.

muggart · 10/04/2024 17:27

I wouldn't say anything based on that alone. She'll end up getting a bollocking from her mum for being rude and then won't want to come round any more so it seems like you're opening up a lot of big consequences over something quite trivial.

Obviously, if it was regular bullying of your daughter that would be a different matter.

Also I agree with PP that it may be worth talking to DD so she knows she can stand up for herself.

PlasticOno · 10/04/2024 17:29

bettycat81 · 10/04/2024 16:59

Your friend is worried so I would kindly confirm her fears...."oh I see why you were worried, I saw quite a change in her when she came over...."

Yes, say that.

But if the child is around again, tick her off when she actually makes a catty remark. Or just send her home.

MsLuxLisbon · 10/04/2024 17:30

waterrat · 10/04/2024 17:16

It's a one off from a teenager I think you are massively over reacting

we all have. bad days - unless it becomes a pattern keep out of it

Except it isn't a 'one off', is it? It is clearly happening because Alice is hanging out with Regina George et al. It isn't ok for her to use the OP's DD as her emotional punchbag. OP, I would definitely speak to the mother, as she has asked anyway.

Comedycook · 10/04/2024 17:30

I would say something but gloss over the rudeness and frame it as "not her usual cheerful self"

CointreauVersial · 10/04/2024 17:33

Ohhh, Year 8 is SO horrible when you're a girl.

It's when all the primary school relationships start to drift, new friendship groups (not always healthy ones) take shape, hormones, bitchiness.... Anyone without a strong/resilient personality can end up under the influence of the mean girls, trying to fit in with the popular crowd, sometimes discarding old trusted friends in the process. It is indeed a journey.

It sounds like your DD has her head screwed on, at least. Personally, I would stay out of it as much as possible, and not say anything to Alice, but do have a chat with DD. The best solution is for her to manage the situation herself....maybe a little timeout from their friendship is required. In my experience, they all come out the other side. The important thing is that DD isn't being hurt, and has good support from her other friends.

DD2 had an awful time in Y8, with her primary school bestie teaming up with the mean girls, and a bit of minor bullying followed. I was very proud of her firmly turning her back on the unhealthy friendship group, and finding some nicer mates (who she is friends with to this day).

MoonWoman69 · 10/04/2024 17:37

Your DD sounds like a sensible girl. But as Alices mother has already mentioned it, I would say something. All you have to say is that you noticed a change in her when she last came round and take it from there. It sounds like it needs nipping in the bud before it gets out of hand. And if you're good friends with Alices mother, then it should be an easy ish conversation to bring up. Good luck 🌺

JaninaDuszejko · 10/04/2024 17:38

If there's a lot of bitchy behaviour aimed at Alice has her Mum spoken to the school about moving her to a different class to escape the bullying?

Original poster
lemonstrawberryorange · 10/04/2024 17:39

Thanks so much all.

I think I will leave raising it with my friend, but if she brings up her concerns re the catty group of girls, I might say that it's quite difficult for teens not to adopt negative behaviours from their peers etc.

My friend is the first person to say Alice is very easily influenced and has been concerned about this with her.

It's never been an issue before as far as my dd's friendship with Alice goes, but I didn't particularly like what I saw yesterday, particularly given Alice seems to always be running to dd with her problems. While it's up to my own dd to navigate her own friendship with Alice, I'll also have a careful chat with her about it.

OP posts:
Hippomumma2 · 10/04/2024 17:41

If it was my child I would want to know what you saw. Your observation could well cement what the mother has been suspecting is going on and she can talk to Alice. Alice will end up isolated completely if this isn’t sorted, so personally I would speak up.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/04/2024 17:41

While it's up to my own dd to navigate her own friendship with Alice, I'll also have a careful chat with her about it.

Good plan, so she knows that even though you are friends with Alice's mum, you have no problem with her giving Alice the elbow if she is asking for it.

Original poster
lemonstrawberryorange · 10/04/2024 17:50

Thanks again. I'm not particularly worried about my own dd and her friendship here - she's pretty robust and has a lot of friends other than Alice, thankfully. I have said to dd in the past that she shouldn't feel like she always has to be Alice's support network...but today felt a bit different, so I will have a careful chat with dd at some point.

It was more the situation with my own close friend/Alice's mum, because she often chats to me about her concerns over this....

OP posts:
SerenChocolateMuncher · 10/04/2024 17:53

"I'm sorry you are bored, Alice. We love having you here, but don't feel you have to stay if you would rather go home..."

You could also add that bored people are boring people.

It puts the ball in her court so she either has to deny she is bored and change her behaviour, or go home. It also lets her know - without being confrontational - you have noticed her behaviour and won't put up with it.

Original poster
lemonstrawberryorange · 10/04/2024 17:53

Sorry, got a bit distracted as I was posting - aware I slightly repeated myself there!

OP posts:
5128gap · 10/04/2024 18:01

I don't see any way you can help with this tbh. If you've seen a change, it's likely your friend has too. And even if she hasn't she's aware of the wider problem and is presumably working on it with Alice. What I'd be doing is chatting to your DD about what she needs to tolerate. Given they are so intertwined through the family link, she may be putting up with more unpleasantness than she should. I'd be giving her a few stock responses to make to Alice 'if you're bored why not go home?' Etc to help her stand up for herself in an assertive but low key way.

ageratum1 · 10/04/2024 18:02

I think at 13 your dd can fight her own battles especially with someone she knows so well