rude friend of dd's - do I say anything?

[lemonstrawberryorange]

Namechanged as possibly a little outing.

DD (Year 8) has a friend (I'll call her Alice) that she's known since she was born.

Girls went to the same primary and now at the same senior school - always had a really sweet friendship. Our families are super-close as well - I have been friends with the mum since before we had kids, we go on holiday together regularly and it's great.

DD and Alice are in different classes at their single-sex school, and unfortunately Alice is in a class with a bunch of girls that are known for some really catty behaviour - constant tween drama etc. This group of girls have been pretty nasty to Alice on numerous occasions, and my dd is always the shoulder to cry on in these situations. This can get a little tiring for dd, as Alice persists in trying to be friends with these other girls, despite the fact that they are nasty to her. My dd is quite mature though and just sort of eyerolls at this - she has lots of other (lovely) mates and just seems to accept that this is Alice's 'journey'. She's not possessive about Alice whatsoever.

Yesterday Alice came over and she was being quite rude to my dd - acting bored (even though she had chosen to come over), and being snarky. It seemed like she was aping bitchy behaviour - she was like a different kid. Even my DH noticed, which is unlike him 😂

My friend has been pretty concerned about the whole situation with Alice and the 'mean girls' and talks to me about it quite often. She's always saying how grateful she is that Alice is friends with her dd, what a support my dd is when Alice is upset and struggling and so on. I am meant to go for a drink with friend tonight and I am wondering if I should say something, or just leave it?

Sorry this is so long!

@ageratum1 - oh yes, she totally can. It's not really about dd's 'battles', it was more about how I handle my own friend if she brings it up.

Also just realised - I meant to put this is parenting, not AIBU! Sorry if that's confusing 😂

I think your mature daughter should be handling this on her own with a bit of support from you. You can tell her that you heard her friend being rude and unkind and ask her how she felt about it and help her to come up with ways she can handle this in the future.

Perfect!

If your daughter chooses not to be friends with the girl and your friend brings it up then you can explain to her that the girls are 13 and are responsible for their own relationships.

If I told off my 13 year old's friend like this they would be utterly mortified. She needs to be the one to impose those boundaries.

@CRE2024 - yeah I get the sentiment but they wouldn’t be my choice of words either 😅

DS1 had a friend at about 10 who always sulked and claimed he was being left outbu the other three lads. A close eye on them one session showed that was not the case - he just sulked if he didn’t get his way all the time, usually sitting on the stairs. I asked if he wasn’t happy did he want me to ring his mum and ask her to pick him up now? He shot back in the room as fast as anything. I didn’t say anything to the mum as she was already worried about his behaviour. I just let him know without stating it clearly that I wouldn’t tolerate that behaviour.

I think I would tell my dd that you noticed that Alice was a bit different when she came and ask her if she’s often like that these days. Being a bit catty and seeming bored is usually teenage talk for I’m going through something hurtful but I don’t know how to talk about so I’ll just act out with those I care about instead.

I would absolutely not confront Alice in your home, she needs to feel safe, but I would also make sure my dd understands that it’s not all in her head or anything she’s done. I would also bring it up with my friend. I wouldn’t say she was rude, just that she seemed a bit down and not herself.